What do you see when you look at me? Do you see someone who doesn't look you in the eyes and think it's because they think they are better than you? Do you see someone who doesn't engage in small talk and think it's because they don't like you or have time for you? Do you see someone who reacts defensively and think they are rude or mean? Do you see someone who doesn't go out with people from work or engage in personal conversation with co-workers and think they are self centered or hiding something? Do you see someone in a group that doesn't engage in the group conversation unless pulled into it and think they are bored? Do you see someone who is not thin or fit drinking too much coffee or eating unhealthy and think they should do something about it?
All of these things are wrong. It's hard to look people in the eyes when they talk to you because you are always expecting to see disapproval in their eyes. Small talk is excruciating when you always think you have nothing of value to add to the conversation. Reacting defensively is a learned behavior from having been talked down to for most of your life and always seeming to disappoint those you most want to impress. Personal conversation is difficult at best with co-workers or others in general as it is painful to share information that can be made fun of or used against you or gossiped about.
Group conversations are hard because it causes multiple people to focus on you and what you say and then they form opinions/judgments about you that cause you to stress and worry about. What if you say something that doesn't make sense or what you say is wrong or appears unintelligent? Coffee is an addiction but it replaces other addictions such as smoking or excessive eating and it gives you something to focus on other than your true addiction/mental illness that is a life long battle with an eating disorder which is also why you are unfit and don't always eat as you should. It is so easy to flip on that compulsion switch yet so very hard to get back out of it.
I have heard all of these opinions and more and the opinions are a lot less painful sometimes with some people than making the changes required to put myself out there more. Anxiety, depression, being an introvert, a damning and damaging past, abusive situations/relationships (among other things of course) have all led to how I handle social situations of any kind, personal or more broad. It is so very easy to make visual snap judgments about others but so very hard to always try to remember that though the packaging may appear to be one thing, the contents within may very well be something completely opposite. Mental illness comes in all forms, shapes, sizes and varieties. A lot of the behaviors that people exhibit are learned from past experiences. Some healthy, some not and some just learned out of self protection. Yes, we need to focus on unlearning some of these things. Yes, we may need medication. Yes, maybe only therapy is needed and maybe only for a short time. But, the single most important thing that we as a people can and should do without fail is quit making judgments on the visuals of others without trying to understand or converse as to why it seems as it seems.
Mental illness has always, throughout the history of mankind, carried a quieted stigma with it. This should not be the case, especially in today's society where we accept so many other "out of the normal" type situations. I enjoy constantly learning, researching and I have enjoyed the growing that I have done through all of my mental health challenges. I embrace each issue I may have and learn how to make changes or accept the need to live with it. Mental health is the same as coronary health, lung health, joint health and every other type of health issue that we have to encounter. If we ignore our mental health it can become deadly. Don't look at me or thru me, try to look into me. My rainbow is remembering that we all have many layers and many pieces that make up the puzzle of our lives and as I try to approach every person I meet with this mindset, I am hopeful that people will approach me in like manner. I love you more than words Mom, thank you!!
All my love, Me
