I am thankful

First night taking care of my kitty friends, I'm so excited to see them again.
But my joy is short lived,
The ride home was unexpectedly long and delayed.
Ample time to reflect while sitting in the broken down car on a dark rainy night.
Tow truck arrives earlier than projected,
Finally safe from oncoming traffic, this young man is quite protective.
My Wednesday is finally over,
as I send my baby girl back with her father.
The dark rainy night hides my pain and my tears.
Thursday brings marathon watching Gilmore Girls,
No more traditions or all the frills.
My blessing, my safe place will soon be home,
I must find the courage to prepare his dinner.
We eat in my new and foreign fashion,
Night two of insomnia waits for the quiet.
I cry, I fidget and fuss, waiting for rest or the sun to arise,
Time to say goodbye as he leaves me isn't very wise.
Thru the rest of this dreadfully long and lonely weekend I find my reasons,
It's good to be thankful during the Thanksgiving season.
My grown children don't visit or call,
They've made a life for themselves is all.
I have an added child that fights to call me mom,
She doesn't realize yet how my heart has expanded.
I have the room in this huge spacious heart,
Always waiting for the ones God sends to bring new art.
My life is heavy but no longer so dark,
I have found my way thru to the light.
Tell them you're good and no longer so lonely,
Then when you're alone you can strip down the layers.
Alone allows all the judging of the ways you've gone wrong,
The comments, the actions that just didn't belong.
I know how to reflect, analyze and regret,
But I cannot give up, there's more to fail yet.
I have the rules, the authority and gavel,
I know too well how far my mistakes will travel.
But to be wiser and fairer and smarter and giving,
All to make another's life worth living.
I am so very thankful for all the new chances,
I try and I pray that I make no new messes.
I love my life and I know I am blessed,
But there's still so many areas of my heart that are wrecked.
How do I keep going, forward I know,
But my messy heart heals so very slow.
I miss them, so very much and I wish they knew,
Just how thankful I am to have a reason to be blue.
Red is my favorite color, of this I can now share,
But she wouldn't be proud of me, how could she dare.
I've made so many wrong steps and stupid decisions,
She only would impart her judgmental wisdom.
Red is for whores, this you should know,
If you do not do as I say, I will always say go.
Go away from me, far enough away to miss,
Then I can brag about you to others as I reminisce.
Of the perfect child, though you were not,
But I tell them how perfect you became and how I miss you alot.
I miss so very many though they will never guess,
My life is always so complicated, a mess.
I'm thankful today, I truly am,
I have a life that I never thought was real.
God has given it to me and to me alone,
It is mine until the day I receive my headstone. 

Blessings Hiding Darkness

 I've been learning a lesson lately. I used to look for the blessings hidden within my darkness. I worked tirelessly on this task and often times at great pain. I also used to pray to see more blessings than darkness. Well, since November, 2023, I have been living in this specific answered prayer. I met Robert in November, just before Thanksgiving. We texted quite a bit after that but didn't see each other again until Christmas Eve. But, we have been nearly inseparable since then and actually got married on January 31, 24; just 2 months and some change after our initial meeting.

The almost year since has been an amazing whirlwind of an adventure. I have been so very focused on all of the good things going on in my marriage that it seemed as though the dark had taken a deep slumber akin to a bear's winter hibernation. So many rainbows have enveloped my daily life. Until...

Ladies and gents, when I tell you that the until came in hard and fast and relentless!! I have not been sleeping and when I do the nightmares are so very disturbing. I have known for quite some time that I had some seriously repressed memories that I would one day have to confront. It seems that my mind believes that I am, at 51 years of age, ready to rediscover what has been so graciously hidden from me. I am so nervous about what has been hidden in the deep recesses of my tangled brain. Though I do KNOW that I will be able to work through them because my Father in Heaven will give me the strength and peace that I will need, I am not looking forward to learning the information that is to be forthcoming.  Also to be noted is that, to my belief with what I currently know, all of my past abusers save 1 have passed so I will not have to learn this information with anyone that is currently in my life. So that provides a bit of relief as well.

Still, how much trauma must have been endured for my child brain to shut down around the trauma and hide it from me for all of these years? Truthfully, every therapist I have confided in enough to share have all been of the same opinion, that what I have remembered of my abuse has been more than any one person should endure. So, to know that and remember that there is yet more, that's very heavy and very dark and very threatening to my new found peace. 

But, until my mind reveals the secrets held within, I will continue to focus on the blessings that come in as rainbows and right now, there are many!!

All My Love, 

Me

Family Secrets

 Family secrets...all families have them, right? Some secrets are just maybe someone wet the bed after being potty trained or another being a bit slow to talk. Seemingly simple things. Some however, are dark and scary and traumatic. I believe that childhood traumas are some of the hardest traumas to heal from, especially when there's no real resolution to the trauma. I have found, through, therapy and research, that my childhood traumas have robbed me of my memories. They are repressed, in bulk, within the confines of my head.

I have glimpses of memories and I have some full memories. But mostly, when I try to remember it's like sitting in front of a blank easel with nothing yet painted on it. But, there are things I remember without trying.

I was a little girl, just learning to print my name. There's a house on State St in Indianapolis that inside the closet, really close to the floor, my child printed name in red crayon is on the wall. That's not the important part. Here we go, secret number one. My name is in that closet because I was being punished and punishment meant being locked in the closet. I was able to sneak a crayon in once, and wrote my name. Well, when that name was discovered by my mom, the light bulb was taken out of the closet so that I couldn't see to do anything during punishment. Now, I'm so extremely claustrophobic that it paralyzes me.

We grew up, my sister and I, watching Mommie Dearest with Faye Dunaway cast as Joan Crawford, the toxic and abusive Mommie. We were NOT allow to call our mom "Mommie Dearest" as it would instantly enrage her and create a fight. My sister does not watch shows or movies that depict moments of her trauma, they upset her. I however, find them healing and educational. There is a specific scene in this movie where Mommie Dearest has daughter on the floor, pinned by Mommie's body and Mommie is choking her and banging her head into the floor over and over. I was the daughter in this scene when I was 15, but, unlike the daughter in the movie, I did not have anyone come to my rescue. I don't even remember why she quit, but she did and she left the kitchen and left me on the floor stunned. 

I wrote before that losing my mom is a pain like no other. However, the hard pill to swallow logically for me, is the relief that I have experienced. I have realized that I do not need to be scared anymore. I'm not going to endure her verbal abuse anymore. I won't see her judgmental looks. I have realized that my history of abuse and negative self thinking began long before I could understand what was going on and what was wrong with it.

I have always been careful with family secrets but now, it's my time to heal. It's time for my voice to be heard. It's time for me to love me.