Blessings Hiding Darkness

 I've been learning a lesson lately. I used to look for the blessings hidden within my darkness. I worked tirelessly on this task and often times at great pain. I also used to pray to see more blessings than darkness. Well, since November, 2023, I have been living in this specific answered prayer. I met Robert in November, just before Thanksgiving. We texted quite a bit after that but didn't see each other again until Christmas Eve. But, we have been nearly inseparable since then and actually got married on January 31, 24; just 2 months and some change after our initial meeting.

The almost year since has been an amazing whirlwind of an adventure. I have been so very focused on all of the good things going on in my marriage that it seemed as though the dark had taken a deep slumber akin to a bear's winter hibernation. So many rainbows have enveloped my daily life. Until...

Ladies and gents, when I tell you that the until came in hard and fast and relentless!! I have not been sleeping and when I do the nightmares are so very disturbing. I have known for quite some time that I had some seriously repressed memories that I would one day have to confront. It seems that my mind believes that I am, at 51 years of age, ready to rediscover what has been so graciously hidden from me. I am so nervous about what has been hidden in the deep recesses of my tangled brain. Though I do KNOW that I will be able to work through them because my Father in Heaven will give me the strength and peace that I will need, I am not looking forward to learning the information that is to be forthcoming.  Also to be noted is that, to my belief with what I currently know, all of my past abusers save 1 have passed so I will not have to learn this information with anyone that is currently in my life. So that provides a bit of relief as well.

Still, how much trauma must have been endured for my child brain to shut down around the trauma and hide it from me for all of these years? Truthfully, every therapist I have confided in enough to share have all been of the same opinion, that what I have remembered of my abuse has been more than any one person should endure. So, to know that and remember that there is yet more, that's very heavy and very dark and very threatening to my new found peace. 

But, until my mind reveals the secrets held within, I will continue to focus on the blessings that come in as rainbows and right now, there are many!!

All My Love, 

Me