I am asked how I feel. I don't have the words. I am asked what I want. I cannot express that verbally. Being an introvert makes verbalizing anything deep excruciating. Having the past that I have, the abuse and negativity, makes expressing myself to another, paralyzing.
This is not me being dramatic or attention seeking. Just the opposite. I don't want drama in my life (though there's always an abundance) and I don't want attention, I don't know what to do with it. It's simple really. I want what I want. I feel what I feel. I think what I think. But, to express that? HHHMMM.
I want to be valued. I know deep down that I am intelligent, however, I down play that, especially to men, because others tend to be so intimidated by my intelligence that they have to find ways to out do me or put me down when they cannot. I have a wide area of interests, but I do not share them with many because I will sound unintelligent about the subject matter or another will think my interest makes no sense. I have a lot to offer someone, more than on a physical level. But I have had it made clear that my worth falls to a physical level and without that, time with me will be limited.
I want to be purely loved. I'm talking fairy tale stuff here. I want someone to be somewhere, see something and have no choice but to share it with me. Whether it is a purchase (though I am not good at receiving) or a picture or a text to tell me what it was, I want to be important enough to someone to consume their thoughts in this way. I don't want to think that someone loves me this way, I want to KNOW it with everything in me.
I want to wake up and smile. This doesn't happen. I have to search out my smiles. They don't happen often and very rarely are they unexpected. I want a companionship where I am reading and look up to catch them smiling at me. I want a companionship in which I can, without notice, take a walk in the woods with them or an unexpected road trip...to a museum would be cool :) I want to sit in a coffee shop and read, or write (as I am now) in quiet companionship with the occasional conversation. Sometimes, alone time can be spent in someone's company.
I do feel and think and want. I do not know how to verbalize most of these things in person let alone on demand. I feel overwhelmed when I am held by someone who loves me. I cry when I hear words spoken with passion and compassion. Words that I don't know how to hear, am not used to hearing. I cry because I don't believe them. I cry because I want to believe them. I cry because I feel. I think I want too much from others but I think others want me to give more than I have the power to give.
I write because I cannot speak. I write because it's my rainbow.
All my love, me
