Do you ever seem to have so many things that are overwhelming and consuming in your head at one time that you physically feel dizzy? I am there....and so very overwhelmed. I have explained to others that at any given time on any given day, that I have 50 to 100 things in my head demanding my attention. For as long as I can remember, I have been this way. I do not understand those that are not good at multi-tasking because I have never been given a choice to be anything else. Most times.
I do not often follow trends, trendy clothing, etc. I am one of "those" people that I am sure will be called eccentric in my later years. I dance to my own beat. On and on with the phrases. But, recently (as in November, thanks MA!) I did fall into an ever growing, still spreading trend. Adult coloring books. I have always liked coloring, it's a favorite past time that I have encouraged in my children. I have, as a mother, always had my own crayons and my own books. But, I just wasn't sure about these adult coloring books...they are really quite different. But, I have fallen in love with this trend. Why? Because they are so busy, so detailed that they require ALL of my attention. I have found that when I am coloring in these books, everything else in my head goes somewhere else. For me, that is a huge break! A generally welcomed break!! Except...now.
My head is so erratic lately. Instead of topping out at a hundred things, it's more like 200 right now. That's too many even for me. I am not sleeping. I am finding my concentration lacking. I am very indecisive. My control is non-existent. Coloring isn't even appealing. I have alot in front of me right now, both professionally and personally. I am losing someone so very close to me. It's a good thing for them, however, as I do not open my heart to many, it is severely breaking as this change is occurring. I have a dream of a lifetime trip coming up, I am going to Ireland. That is huge, overwhelming and consuming. On top of that, I will finally meet someone, who opened my heart over 3 decades ago and has never broken it. That, whoa, that is knocking me off balance for sure.
I have made a few decisions that I know are the best decisions for a million reasons, however, they are each breaking my heart in their own way. My children, well, they aren't children anymore so I am facing what all parents must eventually face, the birds leaving the nest. Oh, I know moms go through this and I know moms that are as close to their children as I am that have survived. But, change. But, leaving. But, my heart. My finances have been, for years, restricted and under sufficient, and I have learned how to juggle them the way a clown does his juggling balls. But, I fear I am beginning a terrifying dissent that will have a tragic outcome if I begin dropping them.
My work is currently overwhelming, even for me. I thrive with deadlines. I am best under pressure. I enjoy being so busy that I am busy. I do not do downtime at work well at all, never have. But, currently, my pie is split into so many pieces that it is truly falling apart before being served. So, I was thinking today. How can I get myself out of this spiral that I woke up to recently? No immediate answers. I have tried all of my normal things. Reaching out to a trusted friend. Hiding. Sleeping. pushing through. But, I came to a decision. Find my rainbow. I have been forgetting to look for them. I have almost convinced myself that I didn't have any readily available and if this was/is true, what on earth would get me back in focus? Even the ocean didn't help today. That's when I got serious.
So, my decision was to dissect each situation that was consuming my head and find a rainbow in each. So, what is the rainbow in losing someone that is moving away? I thought back to this relationship's beginning and came forward to the present. Oh my, so many rainbows. I fell in love with her and her husband. To the core, they are amazing people. They are brilliant, creative, tough, loving, sincere, and oh so many other things. I think about the stories they have shared with me about their lives and so many rainbows come flooding into my heart. A story of love and heart break shared with her resulted in such a loving bandaid being received, I will never forget it. Not only do I have a tangible reminder that I can hold in my hand, but I cannot forget the love I felt in that moment.
My trip and my meeting, there are so many rainbows contained within that so that I do not even have the words to get them all out. So, instead of allowing my anxiety to steal my joy, I have decided to talk to my mom (I will be with her during all of this) and say to her, Mom, give me a rainbow. She will do this, she's good at knowing how to pull me out of my anxiety. My finances, well, that's a bit more challenging. But, I have thought back over the years that I have been on my own and all of the challenges that I have successfully overcome...these are all rainbows. So, I have decided that I will take a deep breath, pray, and take each item one at a time. My decisions that are heart breaking...there are different rainbows in those. Most important for my future is doing the right thing. The other rainbows are in focusing on what is best for others involved that will be affected by my decisions. That usually comes easy to me, however, my heart has become quite selfish and I have decided to remind myself that my heart must do for others before myself.
My children. Well, I cannot and will not hold them back so I have no choice but to seek out the rainbows. There are no drugs. No unwanted/unexpected pregnancies. They are all loving children who care greatly for others. They all know God. They are intelligent. They love me. They make me proud to be a mom. Finally, work. I will do what I have always done, get one thing at a time completed until I get through the list. I will focus on each and my rainbow will come with the completion of a job well done.
But, from where will I pull the strength to focus on these rainbows when I have no focus? That's the best rainbow of all. I will focus on the love that I know is extended to me through the cross. The promise that I am never alone. The hands that are all encompassing. The only one who knows everything thought that overwhelms my head besides myself. This is where my focusing strength will come from, my Lord and Savior that showed His love for me by sacrificing His own life to save mine.
Find your rainbows no matter how overwhelming your life is, then ask your Lord to give you His strength to keep your focus on those rainbows.
All my love, Me.
