I am lost in the dark. Does anyone who does not deal with depression understand that statement? I don't think many do, it's truly hard to explain. But, I want to try to do just that with this entry. I have thought for a bit now that my entry would be one thing, but tonight, it's another. Depression...sucks!
So I am in the middle of fighting my way back up from the depths of my darkness. Overwhelmed with so many negative emotions/situations going on right now in my life. Losing a friend from my daily life to maybe seeing them weekly. Losing a loved one to a move 4 hours away. Finances. Finding out that what I thought was one way, well, it really wasn't that way at all. Worry about my kids and the kind of mother I have been and the mistakes I have made, and still make. These are just a few of the things contributing to my abyss. Then, tonight while I was home for a few moments, I find out about 3 youth suicides this past weekend. One of them extremely close to home. I am devastated, heart broken, taken down by this news.
Then, I call my go to person that I have been avoiding during this light sucking spiral I have been in recently. I start talking, intending to explain, yet again, that I am sorry I haven't called and I have been hiding/avoiding again when out of my heart, head and mouth comes the devastation about the suicides that have occurred. We are discussing this, and I tell this person some information that I haven't before shared. People often think that suicide is selfish, however, in so many cases, the person that is suffering truly believes that they are doing their loved ones a favor by removing themselves and all of their problems from the loved ones lives. Believing that their lives will be so much better and happier when not dealing with the problems of the sufferer. I tell my confidant that I wish there were more understanding from non-sufferers about what we deal with in the darkness.
Then, even more previously unshared information spills out. I explain to them that in some cases, like mine, when we get to the edge of the cliff, while we are thinking and believing that our loved ones will be better off, sometimes those thoughts turn to how our loved ones may actually always hurt over our lost life, how they would suffer more after we're gone rather than less. I then begin to explain some of my life saving moments such as my daddy telling me "Chrissy, if you can smile, you're not dead". About thinking about my kids having to grow up without a mom (there were 2 and they were very young). Then, and most likely the most impressing upon this person, I was explaining to them that when I was younger, I remembered that a friend of theirs had lost a child, not to suicide, but still lost a child to death and how this person was so devastated for this mother and how this person was so broken in expressing how destroyed they would be if they lost one of their own children to death. I do not remember seeing or hearing this kind of pain or expression of love for their children before this time. This truly impacted me and pulled me away from cliff more than one time.
I have been miserable recently, lost in my darkness. Tonight, through dumping my head and heart upon this person, I found my rainbow. My mom. My go to person. My confidant. My brightest rainbow of the day. Thank you mom, for saving my life.
All my love, Me.
