So, I have finally figured out what was bothering so much in a heartbreaking situation that caused me to not be able to let go of that situation. It hurts. It's had me so very raw. But, I have the clarity I need in order to let go and move forward.
I had this person that I was close to, confided in and took direction from in order to better myself and my future. This person has an amazing relationship with God, thrives on ministering to others and wants nothing more in life than to help others and please God. This person really took time to get to know the hidden parts of me. The things that make me, me and are the cause of my actions, decisions, feelings and thoughts. But then, they made a decision that not only knocked the breath out of me, but the manner in which they executed this decision was such that I felt destroyed.
My confidant informed me months ago that I could no longer be a part of their life and one of the reasons given was that no matter how much they told me I was not worthless, I didn't believe them. If they were as important to me as I claimed, I would be able to believe them. Well....if that didn't solidify my feelings of being worthless!!! I am now so worthless that it is a reason to walk away from me and break promises. I confided this information to another, looking for direction. I was met with the clarity I needed. I very rarely feel worth anything, generally, I feel worthless in everything I do which is why I exhaust myself in trying to better who I am. Sometimes, I feel like I might have something, though very little, to contribute. These days are not only rare, but they only seem to happen after I have received confirmation from someone close to me that I am, in fact, not worthless.
When I receive affirmation of something positive about myself from someone close to me, I try with everything I have to believe them. Sometimes that lasts for a day or two, often times it last only for moments. I require a lot of positive put into me in order to feel a little positive about myself. So, when this person let me know that my feelings of worthlessness were a reason to set me aside, it destroyed me inside and out. I haven't known what to do with the emotions I had been dealing with and sorting through. But, in looking for my direction, I received very valuable information. My worth cannot be found in others. My worth is shown to me each day that I awake and am able to once again search for rainbows. Each rainbow I find, shows me my worth.
My heart has been lifted. This person may well think I am worthless. They may think their relationship with me was wasted time. They may be....WRONG. I am not worthless. I did not waste their time or mine. They messed up when they dropped my heart to the depths of hell. But, I have been emotionally resurrected and will continue looking for the rainbows that God puts in my path to prove to me my worth in His eyes.
All My Love, Me
