For the first time in 16 years, I did not spend today remembering the heart breaking events of this day, 2001. Don't get upset yet, I remembered, it's just that 9.11.01 was not my primary focus today. With years past, the events of that U.S. tragedy consumed most of my day. I've attended events, watched them online and on television. Discussed that day with others. Sat quietly at memorials. But today, that's not what happened.
Today, I experienced a different kind of tragedy. Why, as a victim of mental illness, must I always feel everything so very deeply? Why do I feel the words that have not yet been spoken? Why do I understand the feelings not yet voiced out loud? Most importantly, why do I let myself willingly step in to places that I know will be the destruction of something that once was amazingly beautiful?
Yet, this is precisely what I did. I convinced myself that something was better than nothing. I was certain that 10 minutes of anything would be better than a lifetime without. Once again, I was tragically wrong. I wish I could take those 10 minutes back. I don't think I regret my decision, but the reality of that decision has devastated my heart.
I'm trying though, to hold on to my decisions of late, and look for something positive that has come out of today. I think to myself that I am, once again, lost and alone. I go to the ocean which is in a turbulent state due to an imposing storm. The conditions fit my mood and my heart. I cry. It helps. Then I get an unexpected text, seemingly to check up on me. I smile. It disappears. It was a selfish text, as are most from this person. I go back to the ocean. I walk the beach. I feel better. I head home.
I take a nap. Enjoy dinner with most of my family. Watch football. I have rainbows today despite the tragic condition of my heart.
Sometimes, nothing is best. Sometimes, nothing is exactly what is needed.
My rainbow today, family, football and naps.
All my love, Me.
