I haven't seen very many rainbows lately. Truth? I haven't been focused on finding them. So, I finally got work, though it's only part time and seasonal. Pay is half of what I am used to making. Then, the first real week I'm scheduled, a snow and ice storm shut down all the towns around me for days. So, I didn't focus on the rainbow of having a job. My finances have been depleted. I haven't been able to run away to the beach, Greensboro or Durham as often as I have become accustomed to doing. So, I haven't focused on the rainbow of getting to go when I do, but on the dark of not going as often as I desire.
Instead of focusing on the rainbow of having made it to church Wednesday evening, I focused on my failure to make it to the sanctuary. Rather than seeing the rainbow of Sunday lunch with Dad, I focused on his declining health and rapid aging. I haven't been able to reach out to my friends so I see that failure rather than the rainbow of having true friends. Then, all emotional hell breaks loose! Where's my daddy when I miss him? Why can't I talk to mama anymore? When will I get to see my mom and siblings again? How do I help my children, each with their separate situations? How do I envision my future when I cannot see past this moment in time?
I started gaining focus. I started looking for rainbows. I started planning. I stepped out and made it to Durham. I reached out to Greensboro. Then, I'm set aside, again. I'm not the future anymore. I'm not even the present. I can't even discuss the situation as it's now become taboo. I can't breath and feel as though I'm drowning. How do I even think about looking for rainbows now? The pain is too deep. The scars from before have been sliced open and left to bleed. So...I turn to thinking. Which, for me, can be a dangerous line to step up to as I often fall deep into the darkness. But...my thinking has produced rainbows!
My children choose to have lunch with me. I enjoy my job/coworkers. Though finances are non-existent right now, we haven't lost anything. My rainbows...the small things that are so very often over looked when we are faced with trials, heart break and depression.
