The last few weeks have been an extreme emotional roller coaster. My siblings and I had been watching my mom's expiration date get closer and closer for weeks. Death was changing her and watching these changes were changing us.
My mom was a very formidable woman in her mothering. I was always so very intimidated by mom, so much so that even as an adult with my own family in my own home, mom was still the boss when she was around. It was the very rare instance that I stood up to my mom when I disagreed with her, I usually and quite often just generally held my opinion to my chest and did it mom's way. In fact, on those rare occasions that I did speak up to her, it was only to defend one of my children or the way that I mothered my children, never in defense of myself.
I have lived away from my natural family for over 25 years so most of my "watching mom" was done via video calls or pictures that my sister would take. So I knew she had lost a tremendous amount of weight. I knew her features had changed. But, I was given a soul shaking visual and emotional shock on Monday, October 11, 2021 when I flew into my home town to be with mom in her final lap of her journey. I walked into mom's bedroom and saw my mom that did not look like my mom and I had to take a breath to steady myself before walking to her on the bed and speaking to her/sitting with her. I only stayed a few moments as her meds kicked in and she drifted away for a rest. I went outside and sat on the porch and waited for my dear friend-brother to arrive.
He arrived, walking up the path to the porch and I spoke out to him and made him stop. I went to him, he embraced me and I let go and cried. My first words to him were, 'how does someone lose their scary?' My formidable mother was a frail shell of what she had been. I wasn't intimidated now and I didn't know how to handle that realization. My mom was the controller of the universe when I was growing up and now there was nothing that she could control.
I've lost many people in my life, but the day that my mom took her last breath, Thursday, October 14, 2021 at 1:19 am, my comprehension of loss was rewritten. This was brand new. I had never experienced what was happening in my heart and mind. I became overwhelmed with disbelief in what was now my life as a motherless child. This isn't real I thought. How could I still be breathing and walking and feeling and thinking without a mother? I had things I had to do, but somehow, I no longer understood how to do things that I had been doing for years or a lifetime. She wasn't there. Her voice forever gone. I didn't know how to live.
But, there's a rainbow, right? Yes, there was and is a rainbow. My mom is forever out of pain.
All My Love, Me
