Do you look for the blessings that are in your path even when you feel you are being cursed? I saw so many blessings recently within a situation that could certainly have been devastating.
So, two of us in my car driving in the rain that has been drenching our area for several days. We're on the highway headed several miles away to watch my first ever professional football...not only my first in person professional game, but my team, the Indianapolis Colts were playing. Just about the time I was going to ask for a stop, we start hydroplaning. I closed my eyes and prayed until I heard someone asking me if I was ok. We had wrecked, pretty badly. My immediate thought after I realized I was not seriously injured and I remembered to be thankful for that answered prayer, was, "well this well planned out trip has just been severely interrupted. Hotel that was paid for and is now too late to cancel with a refund. Tickets bought months earlier will be left unused. AND we have to figure out how to get back home which was 2 plus hours away."
But then, I called the insurance company while we were waiting for the tow truck that the trooper called. First blessing: we had rental coverage and there was going to be a car waiting in the next town, just 10 minutes up the highway. Next: the insurance company would also be taking care of the tow bill, I didn't have to figure that one out. The trooper took us to the rental car place once the tow truck came. Another blessing: out of all of the charges we could have received, we only received a non-moving violation ticket. Then: the lady at the rental car place went above and beyond to get us in our car and on our way. So, we head to where the car was towed so we can get out things out of it. As we get out of our car, we are approached by an insurance rep who is working on the estimate for the car...we should not have run in to him that soon, another blessing.
We get our things, drive off. We get to the hotel, find out that we will have 30 minutes of down time to relax from the afternoon's events AND the hotel has a shuttle to get us to the game and pick us back up after!! More blessings! So, we make the game, even in the rain!!
Another curse, we get home the next day and the insurance company calls to tell me my car is totaled. Not good at all...I'm still paying on that car and will not be able to obtain another loan so now what will I do? Pray...during all of this, I am praying like never before. Tuesday, one week and one day after the wreck, I get a new car. It's a pretty awesome car. I even got a return on the rental that I paid to have an extra week since I turned it in early. More blessings.
My ordeal is not over, however, there have been so many blessings, so many answered prayers that God has truly showed me the promises of His rainbow. Through all the rain and clouds and the things that seemed impossible, God has covered my eyes with rainbows. I am blessed. Look for your rainbows even when you think you can't see through the clouds.
All my love, me.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
When the words do not come
I am asked how I feel. I don't have the words. I am asked what I want. I cannot express that verbally. Being an introvert makes verbalizing anything deep excruciating. Having the past that I have, the abuse and negativity, makes expressing myself to another, paralyzing.
This is not me being dramatic or attention seeking. Just the opposite. I don't want drama in my life (though there's always an abundance) and I don't want attention, I don't know what to do with it. It's simple really. I want what I want. I feel what I feel. I think what I think. But, to express that? HHHMMM.
I want to be valued. I know deep down that I am intelligent, however, I down play that, especially to men, because others tend to be so intimidated by my intelligence that they have to find ways to out do me or put me down when they cannot. I have a wide area of interests, but I do not share them with many because I will sound unintelligent about the subject matter or another will think my interest makes no sense. I have a lot to offer someone, more than on a physical level. But I have had it made clear that my worth falls to a physical level and without that, time with me will be limited.
I want to be purely loved. I'm talking fairy tale stuff here. I want someone to be somewhere, see something and have no choice but to share it with me. Whether it is a purchase (though I am not good at receiving) or a picture or a text to tell me what it was, I want to be important enough to someone to consume their thoughts in this way. I don't want to think that someone loves me this way, I want to KNOW it with everything in me.
I want to wake up and smile. This doesn't happen. I have to search out my smiles. They don't happen often and very rarely are they unexpected. I want a companionship where I am reading and look up to catch them smiling at me. I want a companionship in which I can, without notice, take a walk in the woods with them or an unexpected road trip...to a museum would be cool :) I want to sit in a coffee shop and read, or write (as I am now) in quiet companionship with the occasional conversation. Sometimes, alone time can be spent in someone's company.
I do feel and think and want. I do not know how to verbalize most of these things in person let alone on demand. I feel overwhelmed when I am held by someone who loves me. I cry when I hear words spoken with passion and compassion. Words that I don't know how to hear, am not used to hearing. I cry because I don't believe them. I cry because I want to believe them. I cry because I feel. I think I want too much from others but I think others want me to give more than I have the power to give.
I write because I cannot speak. I write because it's my rainbow.
All my love, me
This is not me being dramatic or attention seeking. Just the opposite. I don't want drama in my life (though there's always an abundance) and I don't want attention, I don't know what to do with it. It's simple really. I want what I want. I feel what I feel. I think what I think. But, to express that? HHHMMM.
I want to be valued. I know deep down that I am intelligent, however, I down play that, especially to men, because others tend to be so intimidated by my intelligence that they have to find ways to out do me or put me down when they cannot. I have a wide area of interests, but I do not share them with many because I will sound unintelligent about the subject matter or another will think my interest makes no sense. I have a lot to offer someone, more than on a physical level. But I have had it made clear that my worth falls to a physical level and without that, time with me will be limited.
I want to be purely loved. I'm talking fairy tale stuff here. I want someone to be somewhere, see something and have no choice but to share it with me. Whether it is a purchase (though I am not good at receiving) or a picture or a text to tell me what it was, I want to be important enough to someone to consume their thoughts in this way. I don't want to think that someone loves me this way, I want to KNOW it with everything in me.
I want to wake up and smile. This doesn't happen. I have to search out my smiles. They don't happen often and very rarely are they unexpected. I want a companionship where I am reading and look up to catch them smiling at me. I want a companionship in which I can, without notice, take a walk in the woods with them or an unexpected road trip...to a museum would be cool :) I want to sit in a coffee shop and read, or write (as I am now) in quiet companionship with the occasional conversation. Sometimes, alone time can be spent in someone's company.
I do feel and think and want. I do not know how to verbalize most of these things in person let alone on demand. I feel overwhelmed when I am held by someone who loves me. I cry when I hear words spoken with passion and compassion. Words that I don't know how to hear, am not used to hearing. I cry because I don't believe them. I cry because I want to believe them. I cry because I feel. I think I want too much from others but I think others want me to give more than I have the power to give.
I write because I cannot speak. I write because it's my rainbow.
All my love, me
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
What Do You See?
What do you see when you look at me? Do you see someone who doesn't look you in the eyes and think it's because they think they are better than you? Do you see someone who doesn't engage in small talk and think it's because they don't like you or have time for you? Do you see someone who reacts defensively and think they are rude or mean? Do you see someone who doesn't go out with people from work or engage in personal conversation with co-workers and think they are self centered or hiding something? Do you see someone in a group that doesn't engage in the group conversation unless pulled into it and think they are bored? Do you see someone who is not thin or fit drinking too much coffee or eating unhealthy and think they should do something about it?
All of these things are wrong. It's hard to look people in the eyes when they talk to you because you are always expecting to see disapproval in their eyes. Small talk is excruciating when you always think you have nothing of value to add to the conversation. Reacting defensively is a learned behavior from having been talked down to for most of your life and always seeming to disappoint those you most want to impress. Personal conversation is difficult at best with co-workers or others in general as it is painful to share information that can be made fun of or used against you or gossiped about.
Group conversations are hard because it causes multiple people to focus on you and what you say and then they form opinions/judgments about you that cause you to stress and worry about. What if you say something that doesn't make sense or what you say is wrong or appears unintelligent? Coffee is an addiction but it replaces other addictions such as smoking or excessive eating and it gives you something to focus on other than your true addiction/mental illness that is a life long battle with an eating disorder which is also why you are unfit and don't always eat as you should. It is so easy to flip on that compulsion switch yet so very hard to get back out of it.
I have heard all of these opinions and more and the opinions are a lot less painful sometimes with some people than making the changes required to put myself out there more. Anxiety, depression, being an introvert, a damning and damaging past, abusive situations/relationships (among other things of course) have all led to how I handle social situations of any kind, personal or more broad. It is so very easy to make visual snap judgments about others but so very hard to always try to remember that though the packaging may appear to be one thing, the contents within may very well be something completely opposite. Mental illness comes in all forms, shapes, sizes and varieties. A lot of the behaviors that people exhibit are learned from past experiences. Some healthy, some not and some just learned out of self protection. Yes, we need to focus on unlearning some of these things. Yes, we may need medication. Yes, maybe only therapy is needed and maybe only for a short time. But, the single most important thing that we as a people can and should do without fail is quit making judgments on the visuals of others without trying to understand or converse as to why it seems as it seems.
Mental illness has always, throughout the history of mankind, carried a quieted stigma with it. This should not be the case, especially in today's society where we accept so many other "out of the normal" type situations. I enjoy constantly learning, researching and I have enjoyed the growing that I have done through all of my mental health challenges. I embrace each issue I may have and learn how to make changes or accept the need to live with it. Mental health is the same as coronary health, lung health, joint health and every other type of health issue that we have to encounter. If we ignore our mental health it can become deadly. Don't look at me or thru me, try to look into me. My rainbow is remembering that we all have many layers and many pieces that make up the puzzle of our lives and as I try to approach every person I meet with this mindset, I am hopeful that people will approach me in like manner. I love you more than words Mom, thank you!!
All my love, Me
All of these things are wrong. It's hard to look people in the eyes when they talk to you because you are always expecting to see disapproval in their eyes. Small talk is excruciating when you always think you have nothing of value to add to the conversation. Reacting defensively is a learned behavior from having been talked down to for most of your life and always seeming to disappoint those you most want to impress. Personal conversation is difficult at best with co-workers or others in general as it is painful to share information that can be made fun of or used against you or gossiped about.
Group conversations are hard because it causes multiple people to focus on you and what you say and then they form opinions/judgments about you that cause you to stress and worry about. What if you say something that doesn't make sense or what you say is wrong or appears unintelligent? Coffee is an addiction but it replaces other addictions such as smoking or excessive eating and it gives you something to focus on other than your true addiction/mental illness that is a life long battle with an eating disorder which is also why you are unfit and don't always eat as you should. It is so easy to flip on that compulsion switch yet so very hard to get back out of it.
I have heard all of these opinions and more and the opinions are a lot less painful sometimes with some people than making the changes required to put myself out there more. Anxiety, depression, being an introvert, a damning and damaging past, abusive situations/relationships (among other things of course) have all led to how I handle social situations of any kind, personal or more broad. It is so very easy to make visual snap judgments about others but so very hard to always try to remember that though the packaging may appear to be one thing, the contents within may very well be something completely opposite. Mental illness comes in all forms, shapes, sizes and varieties. A lot of the behaviors that people exhibit are learned from past experiences. Some healthy, some not and some just learned out of self protection. Yes, we need to focus on unlearning some of these things. Yes, we may need medication. Yes, maybe only therapy is needed and maybe only for a short time. But, the single most important thing that we as a people can and should do without fail is quit making judgments on the visuals of others without trying to understand or converse as to why it seems as it seems.
Mental illness has always, throughout the history of mankind, carried a quieted stigma with it. This should not be the case, especially in today's society where we accept so many other "out of the normal" type situations. I enjoy constantly learning, researching and I have enjoyed the growing that I have done through all of my mental health challenges. I embrace each issue I may have and learn how to make changes or accept the need to live with it. Mental health is the same as coronary health, lung health, joint health and every other type of health issue that we have to encounter. If we ignore our mental health it can become deadly. Don't look at me or thru me, try to look into me. My rainbow is remembering that we all have many layers and many pieces that make up the puzzle of our lives and as I try to approach every person I meet with this mindset, I am hopeful that people will approach me in like manner. I love you more than words Mom, thank you!!
All my love, Me
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