Growing Yourself and Others

I believe we humans, in many, many ways, are nothing more complicated than plants. Though, this comparison alone brings to the mind all of the manner in which plants can be and are quite complicated. First, let’s look at the simple ways in which humans are like plants. Put yourself next to an apple tree. Both started from a seed. Seed was cultivated. Seed started growing due to the surroundings. Seed blossomed. Throughout it’s life to this point in time, that seed has become what it is through lessons learned, someone’s love and care, life sustaining essentials. All sounds pretty simplistic.

Now, complications can be seen when you begin dissecting all things that took that seed into what it has become. First, the seed needed to be cared for in order to blossom. This took love, patience, and attention to be given by an outside source requiring the seed to be dependent upon this source. The blossomed seed now begins learning. The more love, patience etc that the blossom receives, the more trusting it becomes, making it more and more dependent upon the giving source. However, there are times when that source is no longer available. This hurts the blossom and teaches the downfall to being dependent upon another. The blossom shows this hurt by wilting, not producing it's own seed or not nurturing the existing seed(s). 

Throughout the life of this blossom, lessons are learned about love, dependency, nourishment, stability, and resiliency. Self sufficiency is a tough lesson that is only taught through pain, negligence, suffering and heart ache. But, these are all lessons learned from the time that the seed is planted and throughout the life of the Apple tree.

The same is true of humans.  We are a product of everything that is poured into us from the time of conception throughout our lives. Some of these things are good and positive, some, not so much. With the lessons that I have had taught to me throughout my 43 years, focusing on the bad right now, I learned that I am unworthy, undesirable, less than good, I could go on but it becomes tedious. But, I have also been blessed with good things (and people) being poured into me, when I allow it. Here's the thing though, I don't depend upon any one person or thing. It's already known that I will be let down. So, when I have become dependent upon someone, I tend to suffocate them through my learning. I want to know every tiny, minute detail about what makes them tick. Especially, I am devouring everything I can about how they find their happiness, how they stay in the light, how they decide that they are good, worthy, desirable, etc. I devour this information and store it and draw off of it over and over and over in order to improve these things about myself. 

This is especially true regarding faith and how God feels about and see me. I crave learning from others so strong in their faith that they can allow that faith to lead them through the smallest and into the greatest areas of their lives. I don't know how to do this and I crave learning how to submit to travelling through the rest of my life by being led by someone who could love me so very much. I have found such a dependable source but my access to them is so very limited and threatened. I am, unfortunately, very independently co-dependent. I know how to learn, but I do not know how to step into the unknown part of learning on my own. I need direction and I need direction from someone who has not only the knowledge of this subject, but the confidence of having this knowledge. 

So, to those who has the knowledge, love, patience etc that others need in order to grow, don't give up and walk away, look for a way to teach what you know so that the plants you are given do not have stunted growth. My rainbow in all of this craziness? I am still a planted seed that has blossomed and continues to grow. I can't see tomorrow but I can say that tomorrow, I will have grown to be more than I am today.

All my love, Me

Worthless Words

So, I have finally figured out what was bothering so much in a heartbreaking situation that caused me to not be able to let go of that situation. It hurts. It's had me so very raw. But, I have the clarity I need in order to let go and move forward.

I had this person that I was close to, confided in and took direction from in order to better myself and my future. This person has an amazing relationship with God, thrives on ministering to others and wants nothing more in life than to help others and please God. This person really took time to get to know the hidden parts of me. The things that make me, me and are the cause of my actions, decisions, feelings and thoughts. But then, they made a decision that not only knocked the breath out of me, but the manner in which they executed this decision was such that I felt destroyed.

My confidant informed me months ago that I could no longer be a part of their life and one of the reasons given was that no matter how much they told me I was not worthless, I didn't believe them. If they were as important to me as I claimed, I would be able to believe them. Well....if that didn't solidify my feelings of being worthless!!! I am now so worthless that it is a reason to walk away from me and break promises. I confided this information to another, looking for direction. I was met with the clarity I needed. I very rarely feel worth anything, generally, I feel worthless in everything I do which is why I exhaust myself in trying to better who I am. Sometimes, I feel like I might have something, though very little, to contribute. These days are not only rare, but they only seem to happen after I have received confirmation from someone close to me that I am, in fact, not worthless.

When I receive affirmation of something positive about myself from someone close to me, I try with everything I have to believe them. Sometimes that lasts for a day or two, often times it last only for moments. I require a lot of positive put into me in order to feel a little positive about myself. So, when this person let me know that my feelings of worthlessness were a reason to set me aside, it destroyed me inside and out. I haven't known what to do with the emotions I had been dealing with and sorting through. But, in looking for my direction, I received very valuable information. My worth cannot be found in others. My worth is shown to me each day that I awake and am able to once again search for rainbows. Each rainbow I find, shows me my worth.

My heart has been lifted. This person may well think I am worthless. They may think their relationship with me was wasted time. They may be....WRONG. I am not worthless. I did not waste their time or mine. They messed up when they dropped my heart to the depths of hell. But, I have been emotionally resurrected and will continue looking for the rainbows that God puts in my path to prove to me my worth in His eyes.

All My Love, Me

When You're Lost, Where do You Look?

So, I have been lost for a few months. Something so very important to me was taken away from me. Something I had come to depend upon in my daily life. No, I didn't want it taken away and I didn't consent to that being done. Every time I distract myself, something happens, I see something, I hear something or I think something and I want to run to this missing piece of me and share. But, I cant and this is tortuous for me. See, being an introvert and being co-dependant means that I don't share easily with others and if I do let someone intimately in, I have to have access to them. Taking away this access, no matter the method, causes severe angst for me.

This is what has happened. A cinder block on my chest has prevented me from being able to breathe. I have a question in which I need direction but my map is unaccessible. I am lost. So, I have been trying to figure out a new normal. I have reached out in other directions. I have tried to smother out the emptiness that now threatens to destroy me. And then, I think, maybe this is God's way to punish me for all of the wrong directions I have insisted on going recently. Maybe this is His way to shake me up and pay attention to Him again. So I am thinking about this and I have several conversations with different people that provides me, when all is pieced together, with some very sound direction.

I put my self worth in others opinions of me so heavily that when someone is disappointed, hurt or angered by me, I know I am worth nothing. I don't believe God could ever love me because I am truly unlovable. I don't believe He hears my prayers. I know, I believe, that He has left me due to how unworthy I am. There's really so much more that I could say, but we'll stop here.

So, new direction to my map. I read on a sexual abuse site that survivors of incest generally feel as I described above because, in theory, if my family doesn't love me enough, who will love me enough to protect me? So, this helps. Then, I am told by someone that I have to learn to be me in all manner of what that means and to not so heavily rely on others to hold me up. That hurt, but I understood the context in which it was intended. Then, someone else tells me, that I have to pray and have faith that God hears me and that if I pray, I believe. That one may be the most profound missing piece. I never had it said that way before. When people tell me I need to believe, I tell them that I try. No one has ever replied with "if you pray, you believe". I have analyzed that statement so thoroughly. This is what I get.

When I am lost, I look inward. This is ok, but my focus tends to go on me. However, when I pray, I am looking inward at the Holy Spirit that resides within me. I am believing what Christ said about leaving a comfortor with me. I am believing that God is always with me. And, if He is always with me, then He HAS to hear my prayers. I know now, in this moment, that I need to look inward at the Holy Spirit and He will provide me with all of the direction, satisfaction and help that I so desparately need. He will, in fact, meet me where I am.

My rainbow in my most recent heartbreak and turmoil, is knowing that I have the ability to believe.

All My Love, Me