I haven't seen very many rainbows lately. Truth? I haven't been focused on finding them. So, I finally got work, though it's only part time and seasonal. Pay is half of what I am used to making. Then, the first real week I'm scheduled, a snow and ice storm shut down all the towns around me for days. So, I didn't focus on the rainbow of having a job. My finances have been depleted. I haven't been able to run away to the beach, Greensboro or Durham as often as I have become accustomed to doing. So, I haven't focused on the rainbow of getting to go when I do, but on the dark of not going as often as I desire.
Instead of focusing on the rainbow of having made it to church Wednesday evening, I focused on my failure to make it to the sanctuary. Rather than seeing the rainbow of Sunday lunch with Dad, I focused on his declining health and rapid aging. I haven't been able to reach out to my friends so I see that failure rather than the rainbow of having true friends. Then, all emotional hell breaks loose! Where's my daddy when I miss him? Why can't I talk to mama anymore? When will I get to see my mom and siblings again? How do I help my children, each with their separate situations? How do I envision my future when I cannot see past this moment in time?
I started gaining focus. I started looking for rainbows. I started planning. I stepped out and made it to Durham. I reached out to Greensboro. Then, I'm set aside, again. I'm not the future anymore. I'm not even the present. I can't even discuss the situation as it's now become taboo. I can't breath and feel as though I'm drowning. How do I even think about looking for rainbows now? The pain is too deep. The scars from before have been sliced open and left to bleed. So...I turn to thinking. Which, for me, can be a dangerous line to step up to as I often fall deep into the darkness. But...my thinking has produced rainbows!
My children choose to have lunch with me. I enjoy my job/coworkers. Though finances are non-existent right now, we haven't lost anything. My rainbows...the small things that are so very often over looked when we are faced with trials, heart break and depression.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Monday, September 11, 2017
When Nothing is Best
For the first time in 16 years, I did not spend today remembering the heart breaking events of this day, 2001. Don't get upset yet, I remembered, it's just that 9.11.01 was not my primary focus today. With years past, the events of that U.S. tragedy consumed most of my day. I've attended events, watched them online and on television. Discussed that day with others. Sat quietly at memorials. But today, that's not what happened.
Today, I experienced a different kind of tragedy. Why, as a victim of mental illness, must I always feel everything so very deeply? Why do I feel the words that have not yet been spoken? Why do I understand the feelings not yet voiced out loud? Most importantly, why do I let myself willingly step in to places that I know will be the destruction of something that once was amazingly beautiful?
Yet, this is precisely what I did. I convinced myself that something was better than nothing. I was certain that 10 minutes of anything would be better than a lifetime without. Once again, I was tragically wrong. I wish I could take those 10 minutes back. I don't think I regret my decision, but the reality of that decision has devastated my heart.
I'm trying though, to hold on to my decisions of late, and look for something positive that has come out of today. I think to myself that I am, once again, lost and alone. I go to the ocean which is in a turbulent state due to an imposing storm. The conditions fit my mood and my heart. I cry. It helps. Then I get an unexpected text, seemingly to check up on me. I smile. It disappears. It was a selfish text, as are most from this person. I go back to the ocean. I walk the beach. I feel better. I head home.
I take a nap. Enjoy dinner with most of my family. Watch football. I have rainbows today despite the tragic condition of my heart.
Sometimes, nothing is best. Sometimes, nothing is exactly what is needed.
My rainbow today, family, football and naps.
All my love, Me.
Today, I experienced a different kind of tragedy. Why, as a victim of mental illness, must I always feel everything so very deeply? Why do I feel the words that have not yet been spoken? Why do I understand the feelings not yet voiced out loud? Most importantly, why do I let myself willingly step in to places that I know will be the destruction of something that once was amazingly beautiful?
Yet, this is precisely what I did. I convinced myself that something was better than nothing. I was certain that 10 minutes of anything would be better than a lifetime without. Once again, I was tragically wrong. I wish I could take those 10 minutes back. I don't think I regret my decision, but the reality of that decision has devastated my heart.
I'm trying though, to hold on to my decisions of late, and look for something positive that has come out of today. I think to myself that I am, once again, lost and alone. I go to the ocean which is in a turbulent state due to an imposing storm. The conditions fit my mood and my heart. I cry. It helps. Then I get an unexpected text, seemingly to check up on me. I smile. It disappears. It was a selfish text, as are most from this person. I go back to the ocean. I walk the beach. I feel better. I head home.
I take a nap. Enjoy dinner with most of my family. Watch football. I have rainbows today despite the tragic condition of my heart.
Sometimes, nothing is best. Sometimes, nothing is exactly what is needed.
My rainbow today, family, football and naps.
All my love, Me.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Speak Love
How many ways does mental health affect our lives? If you do not deal with depression, anxiety, MPD, Bipolar, and any number of other "negative" types of mental health, the affect upon your life is generally a positive outlook, seeing rainbows in spite of the darkness. You most likely glide through difficult life moments with a good nature and a smile.
However, if you have any of the before mentioned "stigmas", then there are likely a thousand ways in which they affect your daily living. When I wake up in the mornings, I often have to talk myself into getting out of bed. I don't want to face the day and all that might appear. That's depression helping me. I've already mentally organized my day a million times starting the day before. So, when something not on the list happens, anxiety steps in to assist. Simple things, maybe the dogs want to go out early and other things have to happen after. Well, simple as it may well be, now my day seems to be spiraling out of control quicker than I can complete a thought.
Things like this occur everyday, all throughout the day for me. I have learned a lot of tricks to get through these events. Deep breaths, counting, nature, call someone. However, at the end of the day and the end of every attack, there's always one thing that holds me together as I get through the day. Love. Unconditional. Nonjudgmental. Love is stronger than any hand, word, emotion that I could possibly think of and there's not near enough of it in our daily lives.
Please, whom ever you care for, however much or little, let them know daily that they are loved. Let them know that the lack of their presence would impact your life. Let them never wonder how you feel about them.
My rainbow recently, my friend who has only loved me and expected nothing else from me. I cannot repay that except to say that I love you.
All My Love, Me
However, if you have any of the before mentioned "stigmas", then there are likely a thousand ways in which they affect your daily living. When I wake up in the mornings, I often have to talk myself into getting out of bed. I don't want to face the day and all that might appear. That's depression helping me. I've already mentally organized my day a million times starting the day before. So, when something not on the list happens, anxiety steps in to assist. Simple things, maybe the dogs want to go out early and other things have to happen after. Well, simple as it may well be, now my day seems to be spiraling out of control quicker than I can complete a thought.
Things like this occur everyday, all throughout the day for me. I have learned a lot of tricks to get through these events. Deep breaths, counting, nature, call someone. However, at the end of the day and the end of every attack, there's always one thing that holds me together as I get through the day. Love. Unconditional. Nonjudgmental. Love is stronger than any hand, word, emotion that I could possibly think of and there's not near enough of it in our daily lives.
Please, whom ever you care for, however much or little, let them know daily that they are loved. Let them know that the lack of their presence would impact your life. Let them never wonder how you feel about them.
My rainbow recently, my friend who has only loved me and expected nothing else from me. I cannot repay that except to say that I love you.
All My Love, Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)