Blessings Hiding Darkness

 I've been learning a lesson lately. I used to look for the blessings hidden within my darkness. I worked tirelessly on this task and often times at great pain. I also used to pray to see more blessings than darkness. Well, since November, 2023, I have been living in this specific answered prayer. I met Robert in November, just before Thanksgiving. We texted quite a bit after that but didn't see each other again until Christmas Eve. But, we have been nearly inseparable since then and actually got married on January 31, 24; just 2 months and some change after our initial meeting.

The almost year since has been an amazing whirlwind of an adventure. I have been so very focused on all of the good things going on in my marriage that it seemed as though the dark had taken a deep slumber akin to a bear's winter hibernation. So many rainbows have enveloped my daily life. Until...

Ladies and gents, when I tell you that the until came in hard and fast and relentless!! I have not been sleeping and when I do the nightmares are so very disturbing. I have known for quite some time that I had some seriously repressed memories that I would one day have to confront. It seems that my mind believes that I am, at 51 years of age, ready to rediscover what has been so graciously hidden from me. I am so nervous about what has been hidden in the deep recesses of my tangled brain. Though I do KNOW that I will be able to work through them because my Father in Heaven will give me the strength and peace that I will need, I am not looking forward to learning the information that is to be forthcoming.  Also to be noted is that, to my belief with what I currently know, all of my past abusers save 1 have passed so I will not have to learn this information with anyone that is currently in my life. So that provides a bit of relief as well.

Still, how much trauma must have been endured for my child brain to shut down around the trauma and hide it from me for all of these years? Truthfully, every therapist I have confided in enough to share have all been of the same opinion, that what I have remembered of my abuse has been more than any one person should endure. So, to know that and remember that there is yet more, that's very heavy and very dark and very threatening to my new found peace. 

But, until my mind reveals the secrets held within, I will continue to focus on the blessings that come in as rainbows and right now, there are many!!

All My Love, 

Me

Family Secrets

 Family secrets...all families have them, right? Some secrets are just maybe someone wet the bed after being potty trained or another being a bit slow to talk. Seemingly simple things. Some however, are dark and scary and traumatic. I believe that childhood traumas are some of the hardest traumas to heal from, especially when there's no real resolution to the trauma. I have found, through, therapy and research, that my childhood traumas have robbed me of my memories. They are repressed, in bulk, within the confines of my head.

I have glimpses of memories and I have some full memories. But mostly, when I try to remember it's like sitting in front of a blank easel with nothing yet painted on it. But, there are things I remember without trying.

I was a little girl, just learning to print my name. There's a house on State St in Indianapolis that inside the closet, really close to the floor, my child printed name in red crayon is on the wall. That's not the important part. Here we go, secret number one. My name is in that closet because I was being punished and punishment meant being locked in the closet. I was able to sneak a crayon in once, and wrote my name. Well, when that name was discovered by my mom, the light bulb was taken out of the closet so that I couldn't see to do anything during punishment. Now, I'm so extremely claustrophobic that it paralyzes me.

We grew up, my sister and I, watching Mommie Dearest with Faye Dunaway cast as Joan Crawford, the toxic and abusive Mommie. We were NOT allow to call our mom "Mommie Dearest" as it would instantly enrage her and create a fight. My sister does not watch shows or movies that depict moments of her trauma, they upset her. I however, find them healing and educational. There is a specific scene in this movie where Mommie Dearest has daughter on the floor, pinned by Mommie's body and Mommie is choking her and banging her head into the floor over and over. I was the daughter in this scene when I was 15, but, unlike the daughter in the movie, I did not have anyone come to my rescue. I don't even remember why she quit, but she did and she left the kitchen and left me on the floor stunned. 

I wrote before that losing my mom is a pain like no other. However, the hard pill to swallow logically for me, is the relief that I have experienced. I have realized that I do not need to be scared anymore. I'm not going to endure her verbal abuse anymore. I won't see her judgmental looks. I have realized that my history of abuse and negative self thinking began long before I could understand what was going on and what was wrong with it.

I have always been careful with family secrets but now, it's my time to heal. It's time for my voice to be heard. It's time for me to love me.

Death Changes Life

 The last few weeks have been an extreme emotional roller coaster. My siblings and I had been watching my mom's expiration date get closer and closer for weeks. Death was changing her and watching these changes were changing us. 

My mom was a very formidable woman in her mothering. I was always so very intimidated by mom, so much so that even as an adult with my own family in my own home, mom was still the boss when she was around. It was the very rare instance that I stood up to my mom when I disagreed with her, I usually and quite often  just generally held my opinion to my chest and did it mom's way. In fact, on those rare occasions that I did speak up to her, it was only to defend one of my children or the way that I mothered my children, never in defense of myself.

I have lived away from my natural family for over 25 years so most of my "watching mom" was done via video calls or pictures that my sister would take. So I knew she had lost a tremendous amount of weight. I knew her features had changed. But, I was given a soul shaking visual and emotional shock on Monday, October 11, 2021 when I flew into my home town to be with mom in her final lap of her journey. I walked into mom's bedroom and saw my mom that did not look like my mom and I had to take a breath to steady myself before walking to her on the bed and speaking to her/sitting with her. I only stayed a few moments as her meds kicked in and she drifted away for a rest. I went outside and sat on the porch and waited for my dear friend-brother to arrive.

He arrived, walking up the path to the porch and I spoke out to him and made him stop. I went to him, he embraced me and I let go and cried. My first words to him were, 'how does someone lose their scary?' My formidable mother was a frail shell of what she had been. I wasn't intimidated now and I didn't know how to handle that realization. My mom was the controller of the universe when I was growing up and now there was nothing that she could control. 

I've lost many people in my life, but the day that my mom took her last breath, Thursday, October 14, 2021 at 1:19 am, my comprehension of loss was rewritten. This was brand new. I had never experienced what was happening in my heart and mind. I became overwhelmed with disbelief in what was now my life as a motherless child. This isn't real I thought. How could I still be breathing and walking and feeling and thinking without a mother? I had things I had to do, but somehow, I no longer understood how to do things that I had been doing for years or a lifetime. She wasn't there. Her voice forever gone. I didn't know how to live.

But, there's a rainbow, right? Yes, there was and is a rainbow. My mom is forever out of pain.

All My Love, Me