Love and all it's pain

You are God's chosen people.  You are hold and dearly loved.  So put on tender mercy and kindness as if they were your clothes.  Don't be proud. Be gentle and patient.  Put up with each other.  Forgive the things you are holding against one another  Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you.  And over all of those good things put on love.  Love holds them all together perfectly as if they were one.  Colossians 3:12-14

So, I wanted to go to a Sunday night service that I had only been to one other time. While preparing myself to go (stress and anxiety always being a factor), I was heading face first into cinder blocks every time I looked up.  First, chaperone seemed as though they would be unable to attend.  Then, grumpy kids, lengthy family conversations, delayed departures....it was definitely stacked against me to attend.  But, I remembered sweet Pastor Blake Hayes saying "when it seems impossible to attend God's house, you must".  So, I headed out.

When making our way to and finally sitting in the sanctuary/auditorium, I noticed that the current topic (this church does lessons in series) was on relationships, specifically marriage and dating.  The emotional roller coaster of my recent days said this was the last lesson I needed/wanted to hear.  But, now I am stuck and I am not a quitter, so, listen I did.  So focus on this for a moment:

"until you allow yourself to be loved by God, you cannot allow yourself to be fully loved by another"
"when you allow yourself to be loved by God, you want to fully give your love to another"
"we have to give trust because we are loved, trust cannot be earned"

These are statements (though there were others) that resonated with me the strongest and drove me to my 'thinking' spot for the evening.  Those who truly know me, know that I do not trust, I do not easily allow myself to express my love (even though I love many deeply, they likely do not know) and I always have a wall, my protection, to prevent other from getting deep enough inside of my heart and head to cause lasting damage.  Through the abuse in my life time, by others and myself, I carry enough guilt to sink several Titanic ships.  Sexual abuse that led to not so healthy habits in the form of sex, drugs, alcohol, demeaning relationships (friends and others), eating disorders and I'm sure there are others not here listed.  It's been a long, hard road to get where I am today and then I attend this service and realize what I have always taught my children....life is nothing but continuous learning and evolving. The lesson on this Sunday night? It's time to seek out God's love for me. Not my kids.  Not others.  But, for me.  That means forgiveness, right? Dang.  That means no strings, right? Dang again.  Why must I allow holes in my wall in order to learn and evolve?  When will I see easy improvement?

So, not so long ago, I decided that I wanted what I wanted.  I have made changes to attract circumstances in which I can obtain what I want.  And then, learning and evolving simply to realize that in order to end my race at the finish line I desire, I must allow myself to be fully loved by God so that I can fully obtain my own heart's desire.  This does not sound easy.  Probably not much fun.  Will the end result be worth it?  Yes....I see a rainbow in my future.

Allow God's love to fully penetrate your heart no matter the current condition you find it in.  1st place is waiting for you!  Much Love, Me.