So, we all have things we desire, right? Money. Houses. Certain jobs. Children. These are just a few examples. Well, desire has been driving me a lot lately. Desire for inner peace; true and deep in the soul peace.
Sometime before the present, probably close to 4 years now, I made a decision that I had fought with, prayed about, stressed about and sunk into a severe depressive mode about. It took me well over a year (yes, that puts us back to 5 years ago) to make this decision and make it final. I knew that I knew with everything in me that I had made the right and best decision. From within this decision, I would, one day, finally have that inner peace that I so desire, that drives me on my most difficult days. Within this decision, I would also figure out who I am, who I want to be, what I like, etc.
Well, then desire sets in and hard! I have figured out some of these things and I continue to learn about myself and I am enjoying the process for the most part. The problem is, the decision that I made that I knew was the right decision to make, is now no longer something I am content in having in my life. I want more. But, in some things, I want less. I want what I want and I want it now!! (direct Veruca Salt quote here). Some of these things I want, I can certainly achieve, even if difficult, within this decision, however, some things, some pretty large things, I cannot achieve right now no matter how much I desire to do so. This decision requires time, no, I don't know how much time and that is where my desires drive away my contentment with this decision.
I want to be happy, really I do. I have seen a glimpse, tasted, smelled, heard and felt glimpses of what my happiness would be like and I want it! But, time. Who's time? Not mine but it affects me. I pray, not as often as I should and not the way that I should, but I do pray that this time will be soon. But, God controls this clock that determines my happiness date. How do I then, wait? How do I find contentment again with this decision that I made while still pursuing further knowledge of ME and my happiness and inner peace?
Well, if that isn't the million dollar question! (Yeah, this game show quote reflects my age). I have struggled with answering this question, or rather obtaining the answer to this question from the Time Holder and I will share this with you. I have to continue to do what I KNOW is the right thing(s) to do (yes, it's painful, boring and unsatisfying at times) but I have had to learn the hard way that going against the Clock is going to cause me more pain and dissatisfaction than I desire to endure. I also must find positive reinforcements of the decision I made (who does this decision affect, why did I make this decision, how can I stay content within this decision) and focus on them rather than my selfish and impatient desires. Well, I have done this for the majority of my life (I have been a mother for more of my life than I haven't been) so should be easy, right? WRONG!! It has been easy, for me and for the most part, to put myself after my children, yes this means even those children that I didn't birth. There haven't been many times where I struggled with doing what was best for them when it was in conflict with my personal desires. But this, this is overwhelming on some days to not be selfish and impatient. I cry to God sometimes about my happiness.
He has recently sent me a rainbow to focus on during all of this messiness I call my life's desire. One day, I will be happy. Deeply, soul touchingly happy. My happiness here will come and it will be nice, but, my patience and self sacrifice in this decision will bring me eternal happiness because it is what He wants of me and my desire to accomplish His desires will be eternally rewarding. I have been given a rainbow in my children. I have been given a rainbow in my loved ones. I have been given a rainbow in love that has been shown to and for me. I will focus on these rainbows and continue learning who I am and try to be patient and self sacrificing until the clock has come to my time.
All my love, Me
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Blessings and Curses
Do you look for the blessings that are in your path even when you feel you are being cursed? I saw so many blessings recently within a situation that could certainly have been devastating.
So, two of us in my car driving in the rain that has been drenching our area for several days. We're on the highway headed several miles away to watch my first ever professional football...not only my first in person professional game, but my team, the Indianapolis Colts were playing. Just about the time I was going to ask for a stop, we start hydroplaning. I closed my eyes and prayed until I heard someone asking me if I was ok. We had wrecked, pretty badly. My immediate thought after I realized I was not seriously injured and I remembered to be thankful for that answered prayer, was, "well this well planned out trip has just been severely interrupted. Hotel that was paid for and is now too late to cancel with a refund. Tickets bought months earlier will be left unused. AND we have to figure out how to get back home which was 2 plus hours away."
But then, I called the insurance company while we were waiting for the tow truck that the trooper called. First blessing: we had rental coverage and there was going to be a car waiting in the next town, just 10 minutes up the highway. Next: the insurance company would also be taking care of the tow bill, I didn't have to figure that one out. The trooper took us to the rental car place once the tow truck came. Another blessing: out of all of the charges we could have received, we only received a non-moving violation ticket. Then: the lady at the rental car place went above and beyond to get us in our car and on our way. So, we head to where the car was towed so we can get out things out of it. As we get out of our car, we are approached by an insurance rep who is working on the estimate for the car...we should not have run in to him that soon, another blessing.
We get our things, drive off. We get to the hotel, find out that we will have 30 minutes of down time to relax from the afternoon's events AND the hotel has a shuttle to get us to the game and pick us back up after!! More blessings! So, we make the game, even in the rain!!
Another curse, we get home the next day and the insurance company calls to tell me my car is totaled. Not good at all...I'm still paying on that car and will not be able to obtain another loan so now what will I do? Pray...during all of this, I am praying like never before. Tuesday, one week and one day after the wreck, I get a new car. It's a pretty awesome car. I even got a return on the rental that I paid to have an extra week since I turned it in early. More blessings.
My ordeal is not over, however, there have been so many blessings, so many answered prayers that God has truly showed me the promises of His rainbow. Through all the rain and clouds and the things that seemed impossible, God has covered my eyes with rainbows. I am blessed. Look for your rainbows even when you think you can't see through the clouds.
All my love, me.
So, two of us in my car driving in the rain that has been drenching our area for several days. We're on the highway headed several miles away to watch my first ever professional football...not only my first in person professional game, but my team, the Indianapolis Colts were playing. Just about the time I was going to ask for a stop, we start hydroplaning. I closed my eyes and prayed until I heard someone asking me if I was ok. We had wrecked, pretty badly. My immediate thought after I realized I was not seriously injured and I remembered to be thankful for that answered prayer, was, "well this well planned out trip has just been severely interrupted. Hotel that was paid for and is now too late to cancel with a refund. Tickets bought months earlier will be left unused. AND we have to figure out how to get back home which was 2 plus hours away."
But then, I called the insurance company while we were waiting for the tow truck that the trooper called. First blessing: we had rental coverage and there was going to be a car waiting in the next town, just 10 minutes up the highway. Next: the insurance company would also be taking care of the tow bill, I didn't have to figure that one out. The trooper took us to the rental car place once the tow truck came. Another blessing: out of all of the charges we could have received, we only received a non-moving violation ticket. Then: the lady at the rental car place went above and beyond to get us in our car and on our way. So, we head to where the car was towed so we can get out things out of it. As we get out of our car, we are approached by an insurance rep who is working on the estimate for the car...we should not have run in to him that soon, another blessing.
We get our things, drive off. We get to the hotel, find out that we will have 30 minutes of down time to relax from the afternoon's events AND the hotel has a shuttle to get us to the game and pick us back up after!! More blessings! So, we make the game, even in the rain!!
Another curse, we get home the next day and the insurance company calls to tell me my car is totaled. Not good at all...I'm still paying on that car and will not be able to obtain another loan so now what will I do? Pray...during all of this, I am praying like never before. Tuesday, one week and one day after the wreck, I get a new car. It's a pretty awesome car. I even got a return on the rental that I paid to have an extra week since I turned it in early. More blessings.
My ordeal is not over, however, there have been so many blessings, so many answered prayers that God has truly showed me the promises of His rainbow. Through all the rain and clouds and the things that seemed impossible, God has covered my eyes with rainbows. I am blessed. Look for your rainbows even when you think you can't see through the clouds.
All my love, me.
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