Desire

So, we all have things we desire, right? Money. Houses. Certain jobs. Children. These are just a few examples. Well, desire has been driving me a lot lately. Desire for inner peace; true and deep in the soul peace.

Sometime before the present, probably close to 4 years now, I made a decision that I had fought with, prayed about, stressed about and sunk into a severe depressive mode about. It took me well over a year (yes, that puts us back to 5 years ago) to make this decision and make it final. I knew that I knew with everything in me that I had made the right and best decision. From within this decision, I would, one day, finally have that inner peace that I so desire, that drives me on my most difficult days. Within this decision, I would also figure out who I am, who I want to be, what I like, etc.

Well, then desire sets in and hard! I have figured out some of these things and I continue to learn about myself and I am enjoying the process for the most part. The problem is, the decision that I made that I knew was the right decision to make, is now no longer something I am content in having in my life. I want more. But, in some things, I want less. I want what I want and I want it now!! (direct Veruca Salt quote here). Some of these things I want, I can certainly achieve, even if difficult, within this decision, however, some things, some pretty large things, I cannot achieve right now no matter how much I desire to do so. This decision requires time, no, I don't know how much time and that is where my desires drive away my contentment with this decision.

I want to be happy, really I do. I have seen a glimpse, tasted, smelled, heard and felt glimpses of what my happiness would be like and I want it! But, time. Who's time? Not mine but it affects me. I pray, not as often as I should and not the way that I should, but I do pray that this time will be soon. But, God controls this clock that determines my happiness date. How do I then, wait? How do I find contentment again with this decision that I made while still pursuing further knowledge of ME and my happiness and inner peace?

Well, if that isn't the million dollar question! (Yeah, this game show quote reflects my age). I have struggled with answering this question, or rather obtaining the answer to this question from the Time Holder and I will share this with you. I have to continue to do what I KNOW is the right thing(s) to do (yes, it's painful, boring and unsatisfying at times) but I have had to learn the hard way that going against the Clock is going to cause me more pain and dissatisfaction than I desire to endure. I also must find positive reinforcements of the decision I made (who does this decision affect, why did I make this decision, how can I stay content within this decision) and focus on them rather than my selfish and impatient desires. Well, I have done this for the majority of my life (I have been a mother for more of my life than I haven't been) so should be easy, right? WRONG!! It has been easy, for me and for the most part, to put myself after my children, yes this means even those children that I didn't birth. There haven't been many times where I struggled with doing what was best for them when it was in conflict with my personal desires. But this, this is overwhelming on some days to not be selfish and impatient. I cry to God sometimes about my happiness.

He has recently sent me a rainbow to focus on during all of this messiness I call my life's desire. One day, I will be happy. Deeply, soul touchingly happy. My happiness here will come and it will be nice, but, my patience and self sacrifice in this decision will bring me eternal happiness because it is what He wants of me and my desire to accomplish His desires will be eternally rewarding. I have been given a rainbow in my children. I have been given a rainbow in my loved ones. I have been given a rainbow in love that has been shown to and for me. I will focus on these rainbows and continue learning who I am and try to be patient and self sacrificing until the clock has come to my time.

All my love, Me