Great Life Moments

When thinking about great moments of one's life, most people would relate to a marriage, birth of a child, completing high school or college, a prestigious career, etc. But I say, there are much greater things in life. I was thinking about this tonight (I will get to those details soon) when I read, again, a story posted on Facebook about a taxi driver and an experience of a cab fare that affected this driver greatly. The statement is made in this story that "we are conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one". This statement is so very true and affecting.

I had a friend pass from this earth and the gathering of friends, family & loved ones was tonight. With my social anxiety, I knew I could only either go to the final services or the gathering, so I chose the gathering. I had to go alone, my normal chauffeurs (or my babysitters as I call them), had to work or couldn't otherwise get to me. So, of course going was causing me anxiety, the loss was causing me anxiety and then going alone topped it off!  But, I went, I had to, no choice. By forcing myself to go and be there to show my love and support to my friends, I was presented with a great moment (or two).

First, a friend came in just behind me with her husband. While we were in line, we found that we both were under great anxiety and for quite similar reasons. We used humor to assist us, another "in common" thing we discovered, though not necessarily appropriate humor...my friend said we were "snarky", I think I like that description. So, here we are in the line to speak to the family, being snarky, and now it's my turn to speak to my friend, the husband of my friend that departed. I was terrified (guilt ridden for the space of time since I last saw this friend) of my being there. I was again presented with a great moment. I hugged him (I stretched, he bent as my height is often a challenge), tight, and he spoke to me words I will not forget (some I will not share) but he said "we will make it". He was so right. The strength and love in this family is truly amazing and unbelievably strong, stronger than gorilla glue! They will most certainly make it. This is my greatest moment of the night...in his pain, without knowing it, he gave me strength through those words. It resonated with me, so very loudly. "We will make it".

We will make it. Not a question. No confusion to be cleared up. No frills. Nothing overly dramatic. Just simple and straight to the point. We will make it. And we will, all of us. It's a promise given to us in the Bible. No matter the struggle that one faces, through the rainbows we are given in our lives, we will make it. We have no choice. There's going to be a tomorrow, whether here on earth or not, there will be a tomorrow and we will make it.

My greatest rainbow today, words spoken from the heart that uplifted my heart.  All my love, Me.

Yourself, Described by Others

So, a few days ago someone called me something that didn't set well with me. It was not a derogatory word, but it caused me to wonder if this is the only way that person saw me or if there was something with more substance they would choose to describe me. This turned around in my head for several days until I subjected myself to an anxiety creating test. I publicly requested those that know me to use one word to describe me. I was terrified of the responses as I feared they would use words that I use to describe myself. I was blown away, truly, by the responses.

I received: loving; loyal; kind; empathetic; trustworthy; strong; stubborn; obstinate; layered; loving; selfless giving.

These are not words that I would normally use to describe myself. They are however, words that I would want to be used to describe me. Words that I would want to live up to for others. But surprisingly, the word, or words like it, that started all of this was not once used when others were confined to just one word. That made me feel really good about myself, until I started thinking (yes, too much thinking messes things up). So then I started thinking, do I handle everyone I meet and/or come in contact with on the level that I handle those that I allow to get close to me? I don't believe that I do, I am pretty certain that I, in fact, do not handle all this way and this is why people who are not close to me would describe me as a snob, stuck up, unapproachable and rough in my speech and tone.

This is not how I want people to think about me. I have tried during the time that has passed since my tortuous test to be a bit more open with others with my deep hearted traits rather than the negative, first impression descriptions. I do not want to have others think that I am less than those words mentioned by others. I want to surpass those words to the next level. I want to be that good of a person. So, my rainbow in my test was seeing what others truly thought of me and not what I feared they would think.

However, my biggest rainbow in all of this has become a new found desire to step out of my rough, secure exterior and allow others that may not know me so well to see the more internal self sooner than I generally allow it. This desire has become greater than my social awkwardness and anxiety. This is my real rainbow, stepping out of my anxiety driven seclusion into a world unknown to me.

All my love, Me