When You're Lost, Where do You Look?

So, I have been lost for a few months. Something so very important to me was taken away from me. Something I had come to depend upon in my daily life. No, I didn't want it taken away and I didn't consent to that being done. Every time I distract myself, something happens, I see something, I hear something or I think something and I want to run to this missing piece of me and share. But, I cant and this is tortuous for me. See, being an introvert and being co-dependant means that I don't share easily with others and if I do let someone intimately in, I have to have access to them. Taking away this access, no matter the method, causes severe angst for me.

This is what has happened. A cinder block on my chest has prevented me from being able to breathe. I have a question in which I need direction but my map is unaccessible. I am lost. So, I have been trying to figure out a new normal. I have reached out in other directions. I have tried to smother out the emptiness that now threatens to destroy me. And then, I think, maybe this is God's way to punish me for all of the wrong directions I have insisted on going recently. Maybe this is His way to shake me up and pay attention to Him again. So I am thinking about this and I have several conversations with different people that provides me, when all is pieced together, with some very sound direction.

I put my self worth in others opinions of me so heavily that when someone is disappointed, hurt or angered by me, I know I am worth nothing. I don't believe God could ever love me because I am truly unlovable. I don't believe He hears my prayers. I know, I believe, that He has left me due to how unworthy I am. There's really so much more that I could say, but we'll stop here.

So, new direction to my map. I read on a sexual abuse site that survivors of incest generally feel as I described above because, in theory, if my family doesn't love me enough, who will love me enough to protect me? So, this helps. Then, I am told by someone that I have to learn to be me in all manner of what that means and to not so heavily rely on others to hold me up. That hurt, but I understood the context in which it was intended. Then, someone else tells me, that I have to pray and have faith that God hears me and that if I pray, I believe. That one may be the most profound missing piece. I never had it said that way before. When people tell me I need to believe, I tell them that I try. No one has ever replied with "if you pray, you believe". I have analyzed that statement so thoroughly. This is what I get.

When I am lost, I look inward. This is ok, but my focus tends to go on me. However, when I pray, I am looking inward at the Holy Spirit that resides within me. I am believing what Christ said about leaving a comfortor with me. I am believing that God is always with me. And, if He is always with me, then He HAS to hear my prayers. I know now, in this moment, that I need to look inward at the Holy Spirit and He will provide me with all of the direction, satisfaction and help that I so desparately need. He will, in fact, meet me where I am.

My rainbow in my most recent heartbreak and turmoil, is knowing that I have the ability to believe.

All My Love, Me