Your Transparency - My Shattered Future

I have seen and heard words like transparency, honesty, open book, no secrets and many others thrown around a lot lately. By politicians, spiritual leaders, mentors, counselors and just regular every day Joes.
I myself tend to see honesty as black and white, no gray. However, I have come to recently realize that there are degrees to honesty. Levels of sharing honesty with others. You may well tell someone that you had an affair of the heart and while this is honest, is it complete transparency? Did you tell this someone that there was physical actions that went along with this affair of the heart? Did you express the words that were exchanged with this other person? Did you open your heart and let it all flow out to be seen completely and without shadow?

I have also come to realize that while we may share a portion of our truth with others, we also tend to hold on to some of this truth for ourselves. This could be for several reasons. One, maybe we haven't fully confronted to ourselves what the entire truth of a situation may be. With the previous situation mentioned. What if, the other party to the affair of the heart truly didn't acknowledge their own feelings until the affair had come to an end. What then would be the point in full transparency to the other person, let alone anyone else? Wouldn't you save the most painful realizations of this truth from the light of day? Save yourself additional pain?

As I have typed here today, there are not only levels of honesty, there are different views about sharing honestly and in full. Your transparency may not be very transparent to another. On the other side of that, you may well think you are protecting yourself by saving some painful truths from coming to light, however, in reality, you may well be damaging your potential future. You may be making decisions, taking actions that could later prevent any future light from entering into your heart. By protecting yourself you may well be damaging another.

Here's what I have drawn from my recent observations. We that are damaged (I would say all of us) by broken hearts, broken spirit, mental illness etc, are creatures of self preservation. We learn methods of covering our pain, hiding it or just blatantly burying it deep within ourselves. These methods are not necessarily healthy or the best way to cope. They certainly rear their ugly heads with dire consequences at the most uncomfortable times in our lives. Self reflection, for the truly non-evil members of society will be devastating at times. We should always weigh our self reflection and the actions that we may take or the words that we may speak against how it will affect others. Will your transparency be full and allow a full explanation of your actions to ALL affected or will it only benefit yourself and the one(s) in which you want to appear transparent? How will your self reflection positively affect others? Will it in fact be beneficial in showing triumph over trial or will it only be minutely transparent, just enough to admit fault and failure in order to show your triumph?

Self reflection should be deep and life changing as necessary. However, fixing yourself, or bettering yourself should not ever be at the cost of another, especially if that other person will be left behind alone to clean up your destruction of their heart, self worth and genuine love. You should evaluate every angle that makes up your picture before deciding what your truth is and just how much of it you desire to share. You should be prepared to face and accept all consequences of your actions, not just the ones you decide are important enough to face. Otherwise, you may well crack the mirror of others just enough to cause it to finally shatter into an irreparable state.

My rainbow, be first true to yourself and evaluate how to reflect that truth in it's entirety to others with the least amount of permanent damage left behind.

All my love, Me

My Friend, Time

Time is a very curious thing. I had been hoping for time to find a new job as I saw my then current job diminishing. Nope, time had other plans. I lost the job first. Then I became quickly consumed with time running out before I could find another job. Time has now become an enemy.

Yet, in the middle of all of this, time has brought back to me a precious gift. A friend, from some time ago, that knew I would allow my mind to consume me and needed an escape. An escape into a situation where time was no longer in control. This worked. Time has given me enough space to get out of my head, relax, focus and prioritize so that as I venture back into facing time again, I can do so in a much more productive manner.

But, time, in all it's wisdom and history, has so many good and bad qualities that we have no choice but to take notice of time. I was sitting in my new found peace when I heard my daddy's song come on and I enjoyed it, for the first time since losing daddy, without tears. Time has allowed me to remember without pain. Time has become my friend. Though, through this current situation that I find myself in, I find that time has also become my enemy. After so many years invested in my job (12 1/2), I have, without initiation or provocation, heard from only 3 people from that job. I had so many people in my work life that said all manner of "you're my friend" statements to me, yet, now I am gone and those times, it seems, have been forgotten.

Time, depending upon our perspective, can be a wonderful giver or a torturous taker. I am, by mechanics, typically a negative first thinker. However, I have come to a new understanding of time that has, in this mess that is currently my life, become my rainbow. Time to remember without tears. Time to realize when to move on and forward. Time to reflect upon the people in my life and their role within it. Time to acknowledge my worth to myself when no one is listening or looking. Time to see the line of survival that has been in front of me for many years, even when I think I do not fit into this person's life. Time to notice what family and love means when it's presented without ribbons and pretty packaging. Anne, you have been my survival line and family with true, unbiased love for a very long TIME, thank you.

My rainbow, TIME, in all of it's many facets, colors, good and bad. Time has shown me those things which I could not see on my own.

All my love, Me