So, I've been forced to do a lot of thinking lately, no choice. I, like most of us, have been bombarded lately with the newest and greatest fad in dieting, probiotics, cleansing, etc....and this has brought me here tonight. I have had several things said to me lately about how this can be freeing and that can be liberating. I have taken all of these things and internalized them, very deeply and sincerely.
Part of my conclusion, I posted to social media this morning: Will you be ready when you see the end approaching? Are you strong enough to endure the results of your actions?
So, we go and go and go in whatever direction we are following, however, each road comes to an end. You will then be faced with staying there, or turning before you reach the end. When you see the end approaching, you run out of time to turn. You must face what awaits you there. Choosing to continue to the end can have devastating consequences. Once the choice is made, you can not turn around. You have no choice but to see what the results of your actions/choices will be and what those consequences are. You will only have 2 choices when facing the consequences, you fail to survive or you find the strength to get through them to either learn and make better choices or, hopefully not, repeat those same choices.
Sometimes, the internal cleansing we need is deeper than any fad medication/food can reach. It's a heart, mind and soul cleansing that is needed. While in the middle of a situation, your logical self, even your good self, knows that the choices you are making are not the right ones and if others were to know of them, they would be hurt. Here's the problem with this cleansing, knowing in your mind someone might be hurt is so much different than experiencing their pain and disappointment. This is excruiating to endure. You cleanse yourself of your negative actions by bringing the information to the center stage, and the consequences is having to personally experience the imagined pain of others, people that you love and care about dearly. Their words, they hurt. Their tears, rip you up. But, the look of their pain that they wear on their faces, that's excruiating. This is where you need to find more strength than you have ever before experienced. Will you survive the pain? Will you repeat the choices that led you here or will you forever learn from them?
Internal cleansing can be good for the soul, be careful though, you will never be the same. My rainbow in this conclusion? If I survive, I will be stronger than I was yesterday. Strength is appealing. I want that, I need that, I will have that kind of strenth.
All my love, Me.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
Rainbow Moms
I am lost in the dark. Does anyone who does not deal with depression understand that statement? I don't think many do, it's truly hard to explain. But, I want to try to do just that with this entry. I have thought for a bit now that my entry would be one thing, but tonight, it's another. Depression...sucks!
So I am in the middle of fighting my way back up from the depths of my darkness. Overwhelmed with so many negative emotions/situations going on right now in my life. Losing a friend from my daily life to maybe seeing them weekly. Losing a loved one to a move 4 hours away. Finances. Finding out that what I thought was one way, well, it really wasn't that way at all. Worry about my kids and the kind of mother I have been and the mistakes I have made, and still make. These are just a few of the things contributing to my abyss. Then, tonight while I was home for a few moments, I find out about 3 youth suicides this past weekend. One of them extremely close to home. I am devastated, heart broken, taken down by this news.
Then, I call my go to person that I have been avoiding during this light sucking spiral I have been in recently. I start talking, intending to explain, yet again, that I am sorry I haven't called and I have been hiding/avoiding again when out of my heart, head and mouth comes the devastation about the suicides that have occurred. We are discussing this, and I tell this person some information that I haven't before shared. People often think that suicide is selfish, however, in so many cases, the person that is suffering truly believes that they are doing their loved ones a favor by removing themselves and all of their problems from the loved ones lives. Believing that their lives will be so much better and happier when not dealing with the problems of the sufferer. I tell my confidant that I wish there were more understanding from non-sufferers about what we deal with in the darkness.
Then, even more previously unshared information spills out. I explain to them that in some cases, like mine, when we get to the edge of the cliff, while we are thinking and believing that our loved ones will be better off, sometimes those thoughts turn to how our loved ones may actually always hurt over our lost life, how they would suffer more after we're gone rather than less. I then begin to explain some of my life saving moments such as my daddy telling me "Chrissy, if you can smile, you're not dead". About thinking about my kids having to grow up without a mom (there were 2 and they were very young). Then, and most likely the most impressing upon this person, I was explaining to them that when I was younger, I remembered that a friend of theirs had lost a child, not to suicide, but still lost a child to death and how this person was so devastated for this mother and how this person was so broken in expressing how destroyed they would be if they lost one of their own children to death. I do not remember seeing or hearing this kind of pain or expression of love for their children before this time. This truly impacted me and pulled me away from cliff more than one time.
I have been miserable recently, lost in my darkness. Tonight, through dumping my head and heart upon this person, I found my rainbow. My mom. My go to person. My confidant. My brightest rainbow of the day. Thank you mom, for saving my life.
All my love, Me.
So I am in the middle of fighting my way back up from the depths of my darkness. Overwhelmed with so many negative emotions/situations going on right now in my life. Losing a friend from my daily life to maybe seeing them weekly. Losing a loved one to a move 4 hours away. Finances. Finding out that what I thought was one way, well, it really wasn't that way at all. Worry about my kids and the kind of mother I have been and the mistakes I have made, and still make. These are just a few of the things contributing to my abyss. Then, tonight while I was home for a few moments, I find out about 3 youth suicides this past weekend. One of them extremely close to home. I am devastated, heart broken, taken down by this news.
Then, I call my go to person that I have been avoiding during this light sucking spiral I have been in recently. I start talking, intending to explain, yet again, that I am sorry I haven't called and I have been hiding/avoiding again when out of my heart, head and mouth comes the devastation about the suicides that have occurred. We are discussing this, and I tell this person some information that I haven't before shared. People often think that suicide is selfish, however, in so many cases, the person that is suffering truly believes that they are doing their loved ones a favor by removing themselves and all of their problems from the loved ones lives. Believing that their lives will be so much better and happier when not dealing with the problems of the sufferer. I tell my confidant that I wish there were more understanding from non-sufferers about what we deal with in the darkness.
Then, even more previously unshared information spills out. I explain to them that in some cases, like mine, when we get to the edge of the cliff, while we are thinking and believing that our loved ones will be better off, sometimes those thoughts turn to how our loved ones may actually always hurt over our lost life, how they would suffer more after we're gone rather than less. I then begin to explain some of my life saving moments such as my daddy telling me "Chrissy, if you can smile, you're not dead". About thinking about my kids having to grow up without a mom (there were 2 and they were very young). Then, and most likely the most impressing upon this person, I was explaining to them that when I was younger, I remembered that a friend of theirs had lost a child, not to suicide, but still lost a child to death and how this person was so devastated for this mother and how this person was so broken in expressing how destroyed they would be if they lost one of their own children to death. I do not remember seeing or hearing this kind of pain or expression of love for their children before this time. This truly impacted me and pulled me away from cliff more than one time.
I have been miserable recently, lost in my darkness. Tonight, through dumping my head and heart upon this person, I found my rainbow. My mom. My go to person. My confidant. My brightest rainbow of the day. Thank you mom, for saving my life.
All my love, Me.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Upside Down - Inside Out
Do you ever seem to have so many things that are overwhelming and consuming in your head at one time that you physically feel dizzy? I am there....and so very overwhelmed. I have explained to others that at any given time on any given day, that I have 50 to 100 things in my head demanding my attention. For as long as I can remember, I have been this way. I do not understand those that are not good at multi-tasking because I have never been given a choice to be anything else. Most times.
I do not often follow trends, trendy clothing, etc. I am one of "those" people that I am sure will be called eccentric in my later years. I dance to my own beat. On and on with the phrases. But, recently (as in November, thanks MA!) I did fall into an ever growing, still spreading trend. Adult coloring books. I have always liked coloring, it's a favorite past time that I have encouraged in my children. I have, as a mother, always had my own crayons and my own books. But, I just wasn't sure about these adult coloring books...they are really quite different. But, I have fallen in love with this trend. Why? Because they are so busy, so detailed that they require ALL of my attention. I have found that when I am coloring in these books, everything else in my head goes somewhere else. For me, that is a huge break! A generally welcomed break!! Except...now.
My head is so erratic lately. Instead of topping out at a hundred things, it's more like 200 right now. That's too many even for me. I am not sleeping. I am finding my concentration lacking. I am very indecisive. My control is non-existent. Coloring isn't even appealing. I have alot in front of me right now, both professionally and personally. I am losing someone so very close to me. It's a good thing for them, however, as I do not open my heart to many, it is severely breaking as this change is occurring. I have a dream of a lifetime trip coming up, I am going to Ireland. That is huge, overwhelming and consuming. On top of that, I will finally meet someone, who opened my heart over 3 decades ago and has never broken it. That, whoa, that is knocking me off balance for sure.
I have made a few decisions that I know are the best decisions for a million reasons, however, they are each breaking my heart in their own way. My children, well, they aren't children anymore so I am facing what all parents must eventually face, the birds leaving the nest. Oh, I know moms go through this and I know moms that are as close to their children as I am that have survived. But, change. But, leaving. But, my heart. My finances have been, for years, restricted and under sufficient, and I have learned how to juggle them the way a clown does his juggling balls. But, I fear I am beginning a terrifying dissent that will have a tragic outcome if I begin dropping them.
My work is currently overwhelming, even for me. I thrive with deadlines. I am best under pressure. I enjoy being so busy that I am busy. I do not do downtime at work well at all, never have. But, currently, my pie is split into so many pieces that it is truly falling apart before being served. So, I was thinking today. How can I get myself out of this spiral that I woke up to recently? No immediate answers. I have tried all of my normal things. Reaching out to a trusted friend. Hiding. Sleeping. pushing through. But, I came to a decision. Find my rainbow. I have been forgetting to look for them. I have almost convinced myself that I didn't have any readily available and if this was/is true, what on earth would get me back in focus? Even the ocean didn't help today. That's when I got serious.
So, my decision was to dissect each situation that was consuming my head and find a rainbow in each. So, what is the rainbow in losing someone that is moving away? I thought back to this relationship's beginning and came forward to the present. Oh my, so many rainbows. I fell in love with her and her husband. To the core, they are amazing people. They are brilliant, creative, tough, loving, sincere, and oh so many other things. I think about the stories they have shared with me about their lives and so many rainbows come flooding into my heart. A story of love and heart break shared with her resulted in such a loving bandaid being received, I will never forget it. Not only do I have a tangible reminder that I can hold in my hand, but I cannot forget the love I felt in that moment.
My trip and my meeting, there are so many rainbows contained within that so that I do not even have the words to get them all out. So, instead of allowing my anxiety to steal my joy, I have decided to talk to my mom (I will be with her during all of this) and say to her, Mom, give me a rainbow. She will do this, she's good at knowing how to pull me out of my anxiety. My finances, well, that's a bit more challenging. But, I have thought back over the years that I have been on my own and all of the challenges that I have successfully overcome...these are all rainbows. So, I have decided that I will take a deep breath, pray, and take each item one at a time. My decisions that are heart breaking...there are different rainbows in those. Most important for my future is doing the right thing. The other rainbows are in focusing on what is best for others involved that will be affected by my decisions. That usually comes easy to me, however, my heart has become quite selfish and I have decided to remind myself that my heart must do for others before myself.
My children. Well, I cannot and will not hold them back so I have no choice but to seek out the rainbows. There are no drugs. No unwanted/unexpected pregnancies. They are all loving children who care greatly for others. They all know God. They are intelligent. They love me. They make me proud to be a mom. Finally, work. I will do what I have always done, get one thing at a time completed until I get through the list. I will focus on each and my rainbow will come with the completion of a job well done.
But, from where will I pull the strength to focus on these rainbows when I have no focus? That's the best rainbow of all. I will focus on the love that I know is extended to me through the cross. The promise that I am never alone. The hands that are all encompassing. The only one who knows everything thought that overwhelms my head besides myself. This is where my focusing strength will come from, my Lord and Savior that showed His love for me by sacrificing His own life to save mine.
Find your rainbows no matter how overwhelming your life is, then ask your Lord to give you His strength to keep your focus on those rainbows.
All my love, Me.
I do not often follow trends, trendy clothing, etc. I am one of "those" people that I am sure will be called eccentric in my later years. I dance to my own beat. On and on with the phrases. But, recently (as in November, thanks MA!) I did fall into an ever growing, still spreading trend. Adult coloring books. I have always liked coloring, it's a favorite past time that I have encouraged in my children. I have, as a mother, always had my own crayons and my own books. But, I just wasn't sure about these adult coloring books...they are really quite different. But, I have fallen in love with this trend. Why? Because they are so busy, so detailed that they require ALL of my attention. I have found that when I am coloring in these books, everything else in my head goes somewhere else. For me, that is a huge break! A generally welcomed break!! Except...now.
My head is so erratic lately. Instead of topping out at a hundred things, it's more like 200 right now. That's too many even for me. I am not sleeping. I am finding my concentration lacking. I am very indecisive. My control is non-existent. Coloring isn't even appealing. I have alot in front of me right now, both professionally and personally. I am losing someone so very close to me. It's a good thing for them, however, as I do not open my heart to many, it is severely breaking as this change is occurring. I have a dream of a lifetime trip coming up, I am going to Ireland. That is huge, overwhelming and consuming. On top of that, I will finally meet someone, who opened my heart over 3 decades ago and has never broken it. That, whoa, that is knocking me off balance for sure.
I have made a few decisions that I know are the best decisions for a million reasons, however, they are each breaking my heart in their own way. My children, well, they aren't children anymore so I am facing what all parents must eventually face, the birds leaving the nest. Oh, I know moms go through this and I know moms that are as close to their children as I am that have survived. But, change. But, leaving. But, my heart. My finances have been, for years, restricted and under sufficient, and I have learned how to juggle them the way a clown does his juggling balls. But, I fear I am beginning a terrifying dissent that will have a tragic outcome if I begin dropping them.
My work is currently overwhelming, even for me. I thrive with deadlines. I am best under pressure. I enjoy being so busy that I am busy. I do not do downtime at work well at all, never have. But, currently, my pie is split into so many pieces that it is truly falling apart before being served. So, I was thinking today. How can I get myself out of this spiral that I woke up to recently? No immediate answers. I have tried all of my normal things. Reaching out to a trusted friend. Hiding. Sleeping. pushing through. But, I came to a decision. Find my rainbow. I have been forgetting to look for them. I have almost convinced myself that I didn't have any readily available and if this was/is true, what on earth would get me back in focus? Even the ocean didn't help today. That's when I got serious.
So, my decision was to dissect each situation that was consuming my head and find a rainbow in each. So, what is the rainbow in losing someone that is moving away? I thought back to this relationship's beginning and came forward to the present. Oh my, so many rainbows. I fell in love with her and her husband. To the core, they are amazing people. They are brilliant, creative, tough, loving, sincere, and oh so many other things. I think about the stories they have shared with me about their lives and so many rainbows come flooding into my heart. A story of love and heart break shared with her resulted in such a loving bandaid being received, I will never forget it. Not only do I have a tangible reminder that I can hold in my hand, but I cannot forget the love I felt in that moment.
My trip and my meeting, there are so many rainbows contained within that so that I do not even have the words to get them all out. So, instead of allowing my anxiety to steal my joy, I have decided to talk to my mom (I will be with her during all of this) and say to her, Mom, give me a rainbow. She will do this, she's good at knowing how to pull me out of my anxiety. My finances, well, that's a bit more challenging. But, I have thought back over the years that I have been on my own and all of the challenges that I have successfully overcome...these are all rainbows. So, I have decided that I will take a deep breath, pray, and take each item one at a time. My decisions that are heart breaking...there are different rainbows in those. Most important for my future is doing the right thing. The other rainbows are in focusing on what is best for others involved that will be affected by my decisions. That usually comes easy to me, however, my heart has become quite selfish and I have decided to remind myself that my heart must do for others before myself.
My children. Well, I cannot and will not hold them back so I have no choice but to seek out the rainbows. There are no drugs. No unwanted/unexpected pregnancies. They are all loving children who care greatly for others. They all know God. They are intelligent. They love me. They make me proud to be a mom. Finally, work. I will do what I have always done, get one thing at a time completed until I get through the list. I will focus on each and my rainbow will come with the completion of a job well done.
But, from where will I pull the strength to focus on these rainbows when I have no focus? That's the best rainbow of all. I will focus on the love that I know is extended to me through the cross. The promise that I am never alone. The hands that are all encompassing. The only one who knows everything thought that overwhelms my head besides myself. This is where my focusing strength will come from, my Lord and Savior that showed His love for me by sacrificing His own life to save mine.
Find your rainbows no matter how overwhelming your life is, then ask your Lord to give you His strength to keep your focus on those rainbows.
All my love, Me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)