When Nothing is Best

For the first time in 16 years, I did not spend today remembering the heart breaking events of this day, 2001. Don't get upset yet, I remembered, it's just that 9.11.01 was not my primary focus today. With years past, the events of that U.S. tragedy consumed most of my day. I've attended events, watched them online and on television. Discussed that day with others. Sat quietly at memorials. But today, that's not what happened.

Today, I experienced a different kind of tragedy. Why, as a victim of mental illness, must I always feel everything so very deeply? Why do I feel the words that have not yet been spoken? Why do I understand the feelings not yet voiced out loud? Most importantly, why do I let myself willingly step in to places that I know will be the destruction of something that once was amazingly beautiful?

Yet, this is precisely what I did. I convinced myself that something was better than nothing. I was certain that 10 minutes of anything would be better than a lifetime without. Once again, I was tragically wrong. I wish I could take those 10 minutes back. I don't think I regret my decision, but the reality of that decision has devastated my heart.

I'm trying though, to hold on to my decisions of late, and look for something positive that has come out of today. I think to myself that I am, once again, lost and alone. I go to the ocean which is in a turbulent state due to an imposing storm. The conditions fit my mood and my heart. I cry. It helps. Then I get an unexpected text, seemingly to check up on me. I smile. It disappears. It was a selfish text, as are most from this person. I go back to the ocean. I walk the beach. I feel better. I head home.

I take a nap. Enjoy dinner with most of my family. Watch football. I have rainbows today despite the tragic condition of my heart.

Sometimes, nothing is best. Sometimes, nothing is exactly what is needed.

My rainbow today, family, football and naps.

All my love, Me.

Speak Love

How many ways does mental health affect our lives? If you do not deal with depression, anxiety, MPD, Bipolar, and any number of other "negative" types of mental health, the affect upon your life is generally a positive outlook, seeing rainbows in spite of the darkness. You most likely glide through difficult life moments with a good nature and a smile.

However, if you have any of the before mentioned "stigmas", then there are likely a thousand ways in which they affect your daily living. When I wake up in the mornings, I often have to talk myself into getting out of bed. I don't want to face the day and all that might appear. That's depression helping me. I've already mentally organized my day a million times starting the day before. So, when something not on the list happens, anxiety steps in to assist. Simple things, maybe the dogs want to go out early and other things have to happen after. Well, simple as it may well be, now my day seems to be spiraling out of control quicker than I can complete a thought.

Things like this occur everyday, all throughout the day for me. I have learned a lot of tricks to get through these events. Deep breaths, counting, nature, call someone. However, at the end of the day and the end of every attack, there's always one thing that holds me together as I get through the day. Love. Unconditional. Nonjudgmental. Love is stronger than any hand, word, emotion that I could possibly think of and there's not near enough of it in our daily lives.

Please, whom ever you care for, however much or little, let them know daily that they are loved. Let them know that the lack of their presence would impact your life. Let them never wonder how you feel about them.

My rainbow recently, my friend who has only loved me and expected nothing else from me. I cannot repay that except to say that I love you.

All My Love, Me

Choose Your Words....with Compassion

So, I am a very literal person. This means a lot of different things, I have a larger vocabulary than you might think, I analyze more than most, then I over analyze. Today has been one of those days. So, my word of the day became "OBLIGATION". Let's define this word before we go any further.

Per Google:

ob·li·ga·tion  ˌäbləˈɡāSH(ə)n/  noun

noun: obligation; plural noun: obligations

an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment.

"he has enough cash to meet his present obligations"

synonyms:

duty, commitment, responsibility, moral imperative; More function, task, job, assignment, commission, burden, charge, onus, liability, accountability, requirement, debt; literarytrust "no obligation may be placed upon you without your consent" compulsion, duty, indebtedness; duress, necessity, pressure, constraint "he felt an obligation to tip well"

• the condition of being morally or legally bound to do something.

  "they are under no obligation to stick to the scheme"
• a debt of gratitude for a service or favor.

  "she didn't want to be under an obligation to him"

 

So, given the above definition and explanation, I want to discuss depression. While in an extremely dark place recently, I sent a text to someone, truly not expecting a response. However, I did receive a response and the combination of the conversation with this person and some personal insight, I came once again through the darkness that threatened to consume me.

 

Fast forward about a week afterwards and I arrange to see this person, specifically to say thank you but also just because this person means so much to me. So, this person sees me, lets me say thank you but then throws a cinder block at my face. I can't reach out to this person any longer I'm told. Though I have expressed that I wasn't reaching out with my text. Ok, that's enough, right? No. Then I am told that they only reason they responded and helped me was because they were obligated to do so.

 

WHOA! What?!? I have only ever allowed myself to reach out to 2 people at my darkest times throughout my life. This was one of them. I was just told they were obligated to help me! I don't know that I have ever been so hurt in my entire life, and that's saying a lot! Someone who is literal becomes devastated to bother anyone, but to be an obligation? Then, mental illness makes one paralyzed to letting others see your real self and you always feel yourself to be a burden. I am so glad this person did not choose my darkness to reveal that I was such a burden to them and waited until I was in the light again before doing so. However, should you ever say that to anyone, let alone someone with any mental illness?

 

Think about it this way, a parent tells a child that they are obligated to take care of, clothe, feed and love said child because they are obligated to do so. Imagine the damage done to that child! This is what has been done to me.

 

Please, always use compassion with your words, especially if dealing with someone who suffers with mental or emotional illnesses or weaknesses. You do not know the depth of or the permanent nature of damage your words may cause.

 

My rainbow today....my mom and my oldest daughter.  Thank you both for your insights, love and compassion given to me today.

 

All my love, ME.