"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Philippians 4:6
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles" Philippians 4:13-14
These verses have been screaming at me many times through the day in so many different situations lately. I have given into my depression in a most severe way over this, the worse year of my life thus far. By allowing the depression to take root, I allowed anxiety to weaken me in so many areas of my life. Lots of people do this, that's not the hard part. The hard part? Finding and holding onto a rainbow long enough to pull you back up and out.
I don't let people see this weak side of me. Why? Because people expect me to be strong. I am supposed to be level headed. I am wise. I am....not weak, emotional, worried, stressed. I spent my birthday in 2013 in a most painful way...with my mama during her biopsy that confirmed my worst fear. I spent my birthday in 2014 missing my mama because her body failed her and she left before seeing a year from diagnosis. But here's the thing...I can count on one hand the people who knew I was hurting and dreading and resenting my birthday this year. Why? Because it was my birthday and people wanted me to be happy so that is what I showed them.
I had a very insightful, needed, dreaded, painful conversation last night that really brought all of this year with it's pain, anxiety, depression and fake smiles into a brand new perspective for me. I have not once this past year thanked God for what He was seeing me through. He allowed me to be a caretaker for my mama to her last breath. He gave me the strength to hold her hand on her final exhale. He gave me the peace I needed to sing one of her favorite songs to her. He allowed me to see my beautiful mama saying goodbye to all she loved.
I found strength in Him. But, I did not allow anyone to share in my troubles. I kept it to myself because no one wanted to see that kind of ugly weakness in me. But, I am weak. I am so much weaker than most realize. Just the other night, I reached out to a friend who continues to try to be a friend that I continue to hold at bay (in my defense, she does the same thing to me...2 peas, 1 pod). I let her know that I was very scared and anxious about a medical procedure I have coming up. She immediately said she would be there with me. WHOA! Hold your horses there lady....I don't allow people to see me in that condition...that weak. I just wanted your prayers...
Well, then I remembered..."Yet it was good of you to share my troubles" . Wow. I'm stuck now. So, I told this friend that it was hard to allow her to go but "thank you". How hard is it to accept our ugly weakness and simply say thank you? Well, I realized, yes a bit late in life, last night that weakness is when we are at our most beautiful. Why? It shows our truest, deepest and most sincere heart. Think: cancer, woman, chemo....BALD. Do you think ugly or do you think beautiful and strong? Think: pregnant woman. Do you think ugly, weak or miserable? I see beautiful, strong, amazing.
I have been through a lot over the last 14 months and I have only allowed a few select people in deep enough to see the real picture. To those people that I allowed in....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! There are so many people that did or said something during this time to let me know they were there....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! And to all of you I say...THANK YOU for being one of the many rainbows in my life!
Much Love,
me
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