So, as I have said to many in the past, change of self should be a continuous task throughout our lives. This change, usually, most often, is not easy to put into action. Today, a very tough, hard lesson of true, internal love that cannot often be reflected to be as pure as it is meant to be.
Conditioning of the self is often done by other people, experiences, conversations etc. What I learned today is that one of the hardest changes to act upon is changing this internal conditioning. I really try to not expect out of others in my present what I have experienced from others in my past. However, there are circumstances in which this is excruciatingly difficult, paralyzing I would say. By my experience, everyone wants something in return. Could be deeds, sex, favors....the list can go on. I have learned this especially from the male population...unfortunately I have tried to unlearn this conditioning for the majority of my life. This is most difficult due to another lesson I learned today...or rather I have known but not often admitted. My worth. Am I enough just as I am? Do I have to give something in return for someone to value their time with me? Do I need to change who I am/want to be in order for someone to be happy with me?
Today, I have experienced the true internal love of another wanting nothing in return. This is not something I am used to so it is not something I know what to do with. I was told I should replay the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" until I took to heart the lyrics. I shouldn't worry about what was wanted from me, I should be happy that I was enough. Well, that went over like a lead balloon....I happen to know that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fit enough. Not strong enough. Not mom enough. Not. Enough. However, this conversation led to another, deeper & more spiritual conversation.
"How can you not be enough...I created you". Then, on Facebook I had friends in my newsfeed that had posted different ways of saying "you are enough". So, I'm thinking, alone with my Spiritual Advisor. And I ask...show me my worth. So, a rainbow has broken through another piece of my darkness and has reflected His light, love and patience with me. The acceptance of being enough without deeds, favors, etc. I am sure will prove to be one of the hardest rainbows yet to hold on to, but, I have decided to it is a lesson and a change that I want to put into action. To my very special friend who started this paralyzing yet light reflecting evening, I thank you with all that I can and I love you more that I can express.
"Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows" Matthew 10:31
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. Love is not happy with evil but is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
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