How to Lose Control

Control. That simple, little word conjures up so many emotions.  From the time we are born, we are under someone's control.  Some of us gain a sense of freedom as we move through life.  Some of us, experience nothing good about being under another's control.  Control comes through sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional/mental abuse...so many ways control is used to negatively impact a human being.  This brings negative connotations with other words as well: submit, release, trust; there's really quite a list.

Coming to faith, we are supposed to submit to God.  We are expected to release our worries, pain, anger etc to this Creator that wants nothing more than to replace all of our negative with only His positive.  People try to mimic this as well.  How many times have the words "trust me" or "I won't hurt you" or even and sometimes especially "I'll be there for you" been uttered and yet fallen to the side when convenient? 

On the other side of control, we are supposed to exhibit self control in all kinds of manner.  Sexual control. Emotional control. Physical control. Verbal control (this is a particularly difficult one for me). So, although others, especially God, desire that we release control from ourselves to them, we are also expected to gain and keep control of ourselves.  This is such a tough road to walk upon for someone who comes from such an abusive and negative background.  How am I supposed to trust enough to show the inner most scars and allow someone else control over their healing while also practicing self control in all these other areas? It's not easy.  It's painful.

A most recent incident in this exact problem has led me here tonight.  While attempting to allow another responsibility for my scars, my self control has fallen to the side.  I find myself distracted by so many emotions, good and bad.  I find my anxiety level is at an all time high in some areas while experiencing it to be low in other areas.  I find myself saying things I well know I should not say while not stating things that should be heard.  This list is really quite long, but, I remembered something from God's Word, His directions, on losing control. 

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

With this verse, in giving God control, we are to do this daily.  I cannot try hard on Monday and forget on Tuesday.  I have to try every day, harder than the day before.  That is what God has required of us in order to lose control His way...daily denying of oneself; daily picking up our cross; daily following God; daily losing control.

Daily.  Such a small word but so much impact. Daily.

My daily rainbow? Control.

All my love, Me.

Failure Pursues Success

So, after posting last time about letting go taking so much strength, this week, I write about the failure of letting go yet the pursuit of success despite failure.

I tried, albeit, not as hard as I should have or maybe even could have, guess that shows the desire to hold on.  But, in this failure, there was also success, which is driving me harder to let go. Some things that I need to let go of are inanimate things put into my thinking long ago by others and fed upon by yet others over the years.  These things, thoughts or beliefs really, are debilitating and control most of what I do, say, think, feel etc.  I'm not model thin, though I used to be by desire to be accepted.  I'm not the smartest, though I'm quite intelligent due to the drive to always keep up.  I'm not the best at anything though I come close to being the best at worrying. 

This past week, I have worked really hard to give up some of these negative things that I have always clung so tightly to throughout most of my life.  I failed, most everyday, at letting go of them. Though, in unexpected flashes, I found myself focusing on more positive thoughts about myself.  I know I am not the best mother by far, however, at least once this week, without my provocation, each of my children stated that they loved me and thanked me for something I said or did...that makes any mother feel good, I felt overwhelmingly blessed and took time to focus on the fact that "I must have done something right".  I know that I don't get as much done as I would like or believe that I should get done, however, this week, regarding one particular situation, I looked back on what I had done and slightly praised myself for my accomplishments.

I am always so very aware of all of my failures, I am my own worst critic.  But, the feelings invoked this past week by accepting some positive self feedback, I may have overall failed on letting go, but I also very much found the desire to pursue success in continuing to let go of the negative and focusing more on holding on to the positive.  My success at positive thinking is/was my rainbow this week!

How precious are your thoughts about me,^[a] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!  Psalm 139:17

All my love, Me.

Letting Go

So, I was watching a show the other night that usually ends with a quote.  This quote struck me right in the middle of where I was in many areas of my life.  I have several areas of my life in which I have been struggling to make decisions on the next and proper step...all of which mean I would need to either hold on to my current position in that specific situation or let go in order to move forward.  The quote:  "It doesn't take a lot of strength to hand on, it takes a lot of strength to let go" JC Watts.

I thought I was showing an indeterminate amount of strength in several of these areas by holding on.  This quote made me really think about and evaluate these situations in a whole new light.  How much strength is required to hold on to a situation that you should not be in to begin with? No matter how good the situation appears or feels, if it is not the right situation for you or another, you need to muster the strength to let go rather than doing the easy thing and hanging on...saying no or goodbye is not easy...but sometimes it's what is best.

When it is time for another to move forward and you love that person so much it terrifies you to let go of their hand, you need to re-evaluate why you are holding on to it.  Boy, as a parent, this is the most difficult of all of the hold on/let go situations that I have been facing.  It definitely will not be easy, I've let go of one hand...3 more to go.  Heaven help me find the strength when it's time to let go.

These are just two examples.  But what I figured out, by thinking, praying & most importantly listening to God, my strength will not be found in holding on so tight that I can not see the next step forward.  My strength will only be found by putting my faith in God's Word that He will never leave my side and will provide me strength to endure the trials I will face.  This includes learning to let go.

"So do not be afraid, I am with you. Do not be terrified, I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. I always do what is right" Isaiah 41:18

So, when it seems that holding on is easy while letting go is hard, seeks His hand to hold you up and let go.  All my love, me.