Control. That simple, little word conjures up so many emotions. From the time we are born, we are under someone's control. Some of us gain a sense of freedom as we move through life. Some of us, experience nothing good about being under another's control. Control comes through sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional/mental abuse...so many ways control is used to negatively impact a human being. This brings negative connotations with other words as well: submit, release, trust; there's really quite a list.
Coming to faith, we are supposed to submit to God. We are expected to release our worries, pain, anger etc to this Creator that wants nothing more than to replace all of our negative with only His positive. People try to mimic this as well. How many times have the words "trust me" or "I won't hurt you" or even and sometimes especially "I'll be there for you" been uttered and yet fallen to the side when convenient?
On the other side of control, we are supposed to exhibit self control in all kinds of manner. Sexual control. Emotional control. Physical control. Verbal control (this is a particularly difficult one for me). So, although others, especially God, desire that we release control from ourselves to them, we are also expected to gain and keep control of ourselves. This is such a tough road to walk upon for someone who comes from such an abusive and negative background. How am I supposed to trust enough to show the inner most scars and allow someone else control over their healing while also practicing self control in all these other areas? It's not easy. It's painful.
A most recent incident in this exact problem has led me here tonight. While attempting to allow another responsibility for my scars, my self control has fallen to the side. I find myself distracted by so many emotions, good and bad. I find my anxiety level is at an all time high in some areas while experiencing it to be low in other areas. I find myself saying things I well know I should not say while not stating things that should be heard. This list is really quite long, but, I remembered something from God's Word, His directions, on losing control.
"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23
With this verse, in giving God control, we are to do this daily. I cannot try hard on Monday and forget on Tuesday. I have to try every day, harder than the day before. That is what God has required of us in order to lose control His way...daily denying of oneself; daily picking up our cross; daily following God; daily losing control.
Daily. Such a small word but so much impact. Daily.
My daily rainbow? Control.
All my love, Me.
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