Self evaluation can be excruciating, however, when a friend points out what's going on, it has the potential to be devastating. But, to have God back all of that up with a verse in the middle of a Wednesday night service, you truly have the wind taken out of your sails and fall to the ground like a marionette dropped by his holder.
So, for awhile now I have been battling my depression to the point that I feel as though I am spinning my wheels and staying in a place of forever misery. Destined to be never more than ok. No consistent happiness, just a hit or miss moment here and there. So, I vent my opinion, not necessarily eloquently phrased, to someone close. Whoa! was precisely what I said to myself when I read the response. So, my self pity was met with a very blunt "wake up to realty" of your blessings. Not even a lot of blessings were pointed out, just my children, (just really covers a lot). So, I humbled myself, acknowledged my self pity and went to the church service.
And, that's where it truly happened. I know I haven't been living right lately, no gory details ya'll, rent a movie! I have been trying to make changes, I've been having conversations with God, I've been asking for help. But, there have been hindrances to my improvement that have everything to do with being a human. I wanted to change but I only wanted to change the things I wanted to change. No, not all the changes related to sins, some were more of a comfort zone issue and some were just changes that would require too much effort.
On the way to church last night, I had one of my conversations with God and I asked Him to please give me one more opportunity to make a major change and to forgive me my mistake once more. So, the verse? John 8:11, "and Jesus said, neither do I condemn you, now go and sin no more". WOW. I don't remember hearing much after that, I remember what I felt and what I knew and what I had just been told. So I have been reflecting today. Here's the truth, much as it hurts, I blocked my rainbow from God. Just how long have I been doing this to myself? How many blessings did I miss out on? How many open doors did God shut in my face because I chose my human side rather than my spiritual side?
So, I listened to a pretty serious change needed and I am properly taking care of my depression again, yes, today is just one day. But, I have resolved within myself that I want to open those doors and I want to see my rainbows that only have my name on them. They are only intended for me, however, I know that I have to open myself fully in order to see them. We cannot live how we choose to live, indulge in things we should not indulge in, give in to temptations that we are to avoid and yet expect to receive all of the blessings and rainbows that God wants to reveal to us. We must quit hiding in self pity, fight through depression and step out into the sun and allow God's light to penetrate our deepest self.
I posted this on my social media a few days ago and I am holding to this as who I am choosing to be, I hope it allows more doors to open and more rainbows to be shown to me.
"and with the sun on her face and the turmoil and pain behind her, she took a step forward"
All my love, Me.
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