Reconstructing a Human

I've never been in construction, I can't even fathom attempting to  be. There's so much math and technical stuff one has to learn. Fractions are huge in construction. Knowledge of angles, edges, spaces....all too much for my feeble understanding of one plus one equals two.

However, I find myself in construction currently. I am having to rebuild me. This is such a daunting task that has been put in front of me. I have known for a few years now that my last employment situation had been changing me. I have become more cynical of people. Cynicism replacing love. Making bad decisions. Flesh replacing Spirit. I've always had a hard time to focus on the positive, having to seek out for the smiles. But, over the last few years, it's become nearly impossible.

I have made some decisions that I have not been happy with, taken some directions that have led me down the wrong path. I am so far away from where I once was, away from the person that was working so diligently to better herself and her life and her views. I used to question why on earth I was put in that job and I would say, it is to share my light and love with all the dark and negative running rampant through that place. Well, somewhere along the way, the dark invaded and consumed my light and the negative smothered out my love. This is NOT who I want to be any longer. I had started taking baby steps towards making some of the necessary changes, however, no leaps. Until I lost my job. I instantly knew that it was time to move on and since I couldn't do it on my own, it was done for me.

I have been diligently looking for work yet the darkness of my self worth has kept me from doing much else. I realized that I can't do this, I have to fight through the negative in a way I've never had to fight before. I am now convinced that I deserve better. I want better and I will obtain better. This will take a lot of painful rebuilding. What have I done wrong that I need to right? What steps have I fallen down that I now need to climb up? I will conquer this mountain and when I reach the top, I will celebrate!

I may have never done any construction, but I will build a masterpiece that my Father will be proud of one day. I will continue to improve until my last breath. I will find peace in this journey. My rainbow in all of this? Being shown the strength deep within myself that I had no idea existed.

All my love, Me