So...I've been at a "new" job since August. I found last week that several of my coworkers have taken notice to one of my imperfections. I startle extremely easily and very often throughout the day. There's an old wives tale that says that indicates a guilty conscience. Well, I would like to say that I have nothing to ever feel guilty about, but it's not true. However, regarding this situation and that statement, it does not accurately describe me.
I do startle ridiculously easy and often, not just at work but in my everyday living. I am severely particular where I sit when I'm in public, wanting to sit in such a way that I'm not likely to have someone come up behind me easily and unknown. I walk around my car when I've parked somewhere and I am alone, even if it's not dark. I walk with my phone in my hand for immediate help should I need it. I try to be nearest to an outside door whenever I can so I can escape (this came in truly handy yesterday). There is really and truly a very long list of things I do and now I will explain the why.
I'm used to be grabbed unexpectedly in a sexual manner from behind me. I'm used to having my shower curtain opened while I am showering. I don't like the dark because you never know if you're truly safe in the dark. Yes, the dark is much more dangerous than the day. So many comments made that are inappropriate and unwanted. Being embarrassed by words said in front of others...yes; family, strangers, children, whatever the situation might be because it's known that I will do whatever I have to do in order to end the situation.
I'm sure you wonder, "has she ever said no or stop to the person(s)?" I assure you I have said plenty. It just doesn't matter. These things happen anyway. It's their "right"...I should feel flattered...etc. I've heard many statements that make my being uncomfortable unimportant. I have given up the argument. It's not worth the impending fight that is sure to ensue. Instead, I give in, submit to whatever it is and just get it over with so I can move past it.
No, this isn't ideal. It's not a desired situation. However, I'm sure, should you do an inquiry, you will find that many victims/survivors of any kind of abuse will tell you it's far easier to submit, there's less pain and the situation is over much quicker.
So yes, I startle easily. Please keep that in mind when you so quickly want to make a joke, I am expecting something negative to happen or to be said when someone sneaks up on me from behind or while I am otherwise engaged/distracted. There's many of us out there with issues like this so always be kind and compassionate.
My rainbow in this, having a sweet friend and coworker who quickly diffused a conversation about how I startle so easily. To my friend, I have much love for you.
All my love, Me
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