Family Secrets

 Family secrets...all families have them, right? Some secrets are just maybe someone wet the bed after being potty trained or another being a bit slow to talk. Seemingly simple things. Some however, are dark and scary and traumatic. I believe that childhood traumas are some of the hardest traumas to heal from, especially when there's no real resolution to the trauma. I have found, through, therapy and research, that my childhood traumas have robbed me of my memories. They are repressed, in bulk, within the confines of my head.

I have glimpses of memories and I have some full memories. But mostly, when I try to remember it's like sitting in front of a blank easel with nothing yet painted on it. But, there are things I remember without trying.

I was a little girl, just learning to print my name. There's a house on State St in Indianapolis that inside the closet, really close to the floor, my child printed name in red crayon is on the wall. That's not the important part. Here we go, secret number one. My name is in that closet because I was being punished and punishment meant being locked in the closet. I was able to sneak a crayon in once, and wrote my name. Well, when that name was discovered by my mom, the light bulb was taken out of the closet so that I couldn't see to do anything during punishment. Now, I'm so extremely claustrophobic that it paralyzes me.

We grew up, my sister and I, watching Mommie Dearest with Faye Dunaway cast as Joan Crawford, the toxic and abusive Mommie. We were NOT allow to call our mom "Mommie Dearest" as it would instantly enrage her and create a fight. My sister does not watch shows or movies that depict moments of her trauma, they upset her. I however, find them healing and educational. There is a specific scene in this movie where Mommie Dearest has daughter on the floor, pinned by Mommie's body and Mommie is choking her and banging her head into the floor over and over. I was the daughter in this scene when I was 15, but, unlike the daughter in the movie, I did not have anyone come to my rescue. I don't even remember why she quit, but she did and she left the kitchen and left me on the floor stunned. 

I wrote before that losing my mom is a pain like no other. However, the hard pill to swallow logically for me, is the relief that I have experienced. I have realized that I do not need to be scared anymore. I'm not going to endure her verbal abuse anymore. I won't see her judgmental looks. I have realized that my history of abuse and negative self thinking began long before I could understand what was going on and what was wrong with it.

I have always been careful with family secrets but now, it's my time to heal. It's time for my voice to be heard. It's time for me to love me.

Death Changes Life

 The last few weeks have been an extreme emotional roller coaster. My siblings and I had been watching my mom's expiration date get closer and closer for weeks. Death was changing her and watching these changes were changing us. 

My mom was a very formidable woman in her mothering. I was always so very intimidated by mom, so much so that even as an adult with my own family in my own home, mom was still the boss when she was around. It was the very rare instance that I stood up to my mom when I disagreed with her, I usually and quite often  just generally held my opinion to my chest and did it mom's way. In fact, on those rare occasions that I did speak up to her, it was only to defend one of my children or the way that I mothered my children, never in defense of myself.

I have lived away from my natural family for over 25 years so most of my "watching mom" was done via video calls or pictures that my sister would take. So I knew she had lost a tremendous amount of weight. I knew her features had changed. But, I was given a soul shaking visual and emotional shock on Monday, October 11, 2021 when I flew into my home town to be with mom in her final lap of her journey. I walked into mom's bedroom and saw my mom that did not look like my mom and I had to take a breath to steady myself before walking to her on the bed and speaking to her/sitting with her. I only stayed a few moments as her meds kicked in and she drifted away for a rest. I went outside and sat on the porch and waited for my dear friend-brother to arrive.

He arrived, walking up the path to the porch and I spoke out to him and made him stop. I went to him, he embraced me and I let go and cried. My first words to him were, 'how does someone lose their scary?' My formidable mother was a frail shell of what she had been. I wasn't intimidated now and I didn't know how to handle that realization. My mom was the controller of the universe when I was growing up and now there was nothing that she could control. 

I've lost many people in my life, but the day that my mom took her last breath, Thursday, October 14, 2021 at 1:19 am, my comprehension of loss was rewritten. This was brand new. I had never experienced what was happening in my heart and mind. I became overwhelmed with disbelief in what was now my life as a motherless child. This isn't real I thought. How could I still be breathing and walking and feeling and thinking without a mother? I had things I had to do, but somehow, I no longer understood how to do things that I had been doing for years or a lifetime. She wasn't there. Her voice forever gone. I didn't know how to live.

But, there's a rainbow, right? Yes, there was and is a rainbow. My mom is forever out of pain.

All My Love, Me

My Truth

 Everyone has a truth that they keep to themselves. What is your truth? What is your most hidden truth? Vulnerability is not something that comes natural to us because it requires a level of trust that we do not give to many. Being vulnerable can be very expensive to one’s well being. Well, I have been writing this blog in an effort to be raw and vulnerable. So, in that vain, I write today.

I have written about my abuse many times without ever fully disclosing. I was sexually abused by a family member beginning at the age of 5 and the abuser didn’t fully leave me alone until just before I turned 21 and actually confronted him and demanded he leave me alone.

This set the atmosphere for multiple situations in which I was either abused or misused by men. I was in a long term relationship, even engaged at one point, in which I was very physically abused quite often. I even left once and he tracked me down and threatened members of my family if I didn't return. I often wore sunglasses indoors claiming a headache to hide blackened eyes. I had exercise pants ripped off of me outside in front of friends. Beaten so bad in my bathroom that was white, turned red in many places, while friends listened and never intervened. 

Sexual abuse is one of the worst forms of abuse in my opinion. I have been date raped, I have also given in to rape to minimize my damage. I have been told and proven that I am nothing more than a man's property to do as he wishes to do and whenever he wishes to do so. Required to always use a clear shower curtain so I could always be viewed. Always paying a sexual price when I wanted to go out and visit with friends or go to the beach or even spend a weekend with a friend or a sister on a mountain vacation. This had to be paid before and after the activity. I got really creative at saying no to invitations just to avoid the price that was required to be paid. Birthdays etc were meant to be "celebrated" sexually and there was quite literal hell to pay if it didn't happen. There were sexual words used in such a way that to this moment, I cannot stand to hear them said by anyone, it make me cry and shake and shut down. 

The mental/emotional abuse, that's something that creeps into your daily life and you don't always realize it. I have not ever thought that I was pretty yet always hated hearing a man say I'm sexy. I have never believed myself to be smart, except in my professional life where I could hide myself in my education and career and excel professionally where I was failing personally. I have never liked or approved of my physical body...I've always been too fat and ill proportioned. I have never seen my strength as I could never speak up to these abusers and turn from them. 18 years is the longest run anyone has had with me and it's effects on me is beyond normal comprehension. I do not trust people or their words, even when positive, because these abusers have done their jobs so well, I cannot believe someone may find something positive to say about me.

BUT...in this moment, I have rainbows on most days as I am trying very desperately trying to heal and minimize the scars left behind by so many others. Today, my rainbow viewing started with having a small panic in not finding a phone number I had to have today and praying that I found it, then the person called me with a new number to use! 

There are rainbows everywhere y'all, you just have to be willing to look for them, no matter how small they may seem.

All my love, Me. 

A little salt goes a LONG way

 Life has thrown some pretty bitter things my way lately. I’ve been doing a lot of life reviewing and life evaluating as well. I have done a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone....any is a lot for me but I have been doing it a lot a lot!  So, I’ve stepped into a few activities that have required me to meet a lot of new people. I’m not good at meeting people...my anxiety usually crushes me. But, I’ve been doing it and so far I am still breathing and functioning. Also, I have to admit to having met some pretty good people in the process. I have also ventured into a self awareness / improvement program and I have fully immersed myself into the program. I have whole heartedly fought the daily urge to give up and have forced myself to continue. I am so very happy that I have. I am proud of the work that I have accomplished within this program. 

A large thing that has come out of these situations is that I am learning to believe that I am more. I am more than a punching bag (physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually) for ANY one. I am more than a stopping place for someone who is bored and just wants temporary comfort (even if temporary lasts for years).  I am more than just a yes person. I have opinions and desires and I am allowed to say no when I choose to do so. I might be average or plain in my physical looks and appearance to most, but to some I am pretty and above average or plain. 

I might not be the right flavor for most, but to some I am just the right combination of odd, quirky, funny, different. I am considered a good and loyal friend to some and to those people I know I am fully loved and accepted. I am making my own decisions and doing what I want to do and this is a brand new world for me (yes, at my age) but I am learning that I am enjoying this new world. I am not apologizing for saying no or disagreeing with someone, I am not seeking permission anymore.This is huge for me. 

I know I am less than to some and I always will be to them. But, I am me and I am happy in who I am. I am a strong intelligent female with a very tattered life resume but I am taking today into my own hands and working very hard to make HUGE improvements in that resume. I WILL leave my children and grandchildren a legacy worth living up to. I am not everything to everyone, but I am someone’s answer to prayer and I KNOW that I will meet that person one day and I will take a deep breath and thank God for this journey that I have been on and through.

I have scars, some so deep that I fear they may not heal until I meet my Father face to face. But my scars do not diminish my looks, they are what adds the character to my looks. Their cracks are what allow the love I have inside to shine outward to the world. I am not perfect in anything I do, but I give everything I do my utmost and will continue to do for as long as I walk this earth. I am weak at times, but I am a survivor always. I am sad and depressed at times, but it does not diminish my love. 

My rainbow, currently seen daily, is the salt that God has put in my life that has taken the edge off of the bitterness that I am learning to live through.

All my love, Me