Everyone has a truth that they keep to themselves. What is your truth? What is your most hidden truth? Vulnerability is not something that comes natural to us because it requires a level of trust that we do not give to many. Being vulnerable can be very expensive to one’s well being. Well, I have been writing this blog in an effort to be raw and vulnerable. So, in that vain, I write today.
I have written about my abuse many times without ever fully disclosing. I was sexually abused by a family member beginning at the age of 5 and the abuser didn’t fully leave me alone until just before I turned 21 and actually confronted him and demanded he leave me alone.
This set the atmosphere for multiple situations in which I was either abused or misused by men. I was in a long term relationship, even engaged at one point, in which I was very physically abused quite often. I even left once and he tracked me down and threatened members of my family if I didn't return. I often wore sunglasses indoors claiming a headache to hide blackened eyes. I had exercise pants ripped off of me outside in front of friends. Beaten so bad in my bathroom that was white, turned red in many places, while friends listened and never intervened.
Sexual abuse is one of the worst forms of abuse in my opinion. I have been date raped, I have also given in to rape to minimize my damage. I have been told and proven that I am nothing more than a man's property to do as he wishes to do and whenever he wishes to do so. Required to always use a clear shower curtain so I could always be viewed. Always paying a sexual price when I wanted to go out and visit with friends or go to the beach or even spend a weekend with a friend or a sister on a mountain vacation. This had to be paid before and after the activity. I got really creative at saying no to invitations just to avoid the price that was required to be paid. Birthdays etc were meant to be "celebrated" sexually and there was quite literal hell to pay if it didn't happen. There were sexual words used in such a way that to this moment, I cannot stand to hear them said by anyone, it make me cry and shake and shut down.
The mental/emotional abuse, that's something that creeps into your daily life and you don't always realize it. I have not ever thought that I was pretty yet always hated hearing a man say I'm sexy. I have never believed myself to be smart, except in my professional life where I could hide myself in my education and career and excel professionally where I was failing personally. I have never liked or approved of my physical body...I've always been too fat and ill proportioned. I have never seen my strength as I could never speak up to these abusers and turn from them. 18 years is the longest run anyone has had with me and it's effects on me is beyond normal comprehension. I do not trust people or their words, even when positive, because these abusers have done their jobs so well, I cannot believe someone may find something positive to say about me.
BUT...in this moment, I have rainbows on most days as I am trying very desperately trying to heal and minimize the scars left behind by so many others. Today, my rainbow viewing started with having a small panic in not finding a phone number I had to have today and praying that I found it, then the person called me with a new number to use!
There are rainbows everywhere y'all, you just have to be willing to look for them, no matter how small they may seem.
All my love, Me.
No comments:
Post a Comment