Life has thrown some pretty bitter things my way lately. I’ve been doing a lot of life reviewing and life evaluating as well. I have done a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone....any is a lot for me but I have been doing it a lot a lot! So, I’ve stepped into a few activities that have required me to meet a lot of new people. I’m not good at meeting people...my anxiety usually crushes me. But, I’ve been doing it and so far I am still breathing and functioning. Also, I have to admit to having met some pretty good people in the process. I have also ventured into a self awareness / improvement program and I have fully immersed myself into the program. I have whole heartedly fought the daily urge to give up and have forced myself to continue. I am so very happy that I have. I am proud of the work that I have accomplished within this program.
A large thing that has come out of these situations is that I am learning to believe that I am more. I am more than a punching bag (physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually) for ANY one. I am more than a stopping place for someone who is bored and just wants temporary comfort (even if temporary lasts for years). I am more than just a yes person. I have opinions and desires and I am allowed to say no when I choose to do so. I might be average or plain in my physical looks and appearance to most, but to some I am pretty and above average or plain.
I might not be the right flavor for most, but to some I am just the right combination of odd, quirky, funny, different. I am considered a good and loyal friend to some and to those people I know I am fully loved and accepted. I am making my own decisions and doing what I want to do and this is a brand new world for me (yes, at my age) but I am learning that I am enjoying this new world. I am not apologizing for saying no or disagreeing with someone, I am not seeking permission anymore.This is huge for me.
I know I am less than to some and I always will be to them. But, I am me and I am happy in who I am. I am a strong intelligent female with a very tattered life resume but I am taking today into my own hands and working very hard to make HUGE improvements in that resume. I WILL leave my children and grandchildren a legacy worth living up to. I am not everything to everyone, but I am someone’s answer to prayer and I KNOW that I will meet that person one day and I will take a deep breath and thank God for this journey that I have been on and through.
I have scars, some so deep that I fear they may not heal until I meet my Father face to face. But my scars do not diminish my looks, they are what adds the character to my looks. Their cracks are what allow the love I have inside to shine outward to the world. I am not perfect in anything I do, but I give everything I do my utmost and will continue to do for as long as I walk this earth. I am weak at times, but I am a survivor always. I am sad and depressed at times, but it does not diminish my love.
My rainbow, currently seen daily, is the salt that God has put in my life that has taken the edge off of the bitterness that I am learning to live through.
All my love, Me
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