"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Philippians 4:6
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles" Philippians 4:13-14
These verses have been screaming at me many times through the day in so many different situations lately. I have given into my depression in a most severe way over this, the worse year of my life thus far. By allowing the depression to take root, I allowed anxiety to weaken me in so many areas of my life. Lots of people do this, that's not the hard part. The hard part? Finding and holding onto a rainbow long enough to pull you back up and out.
I don't let people see this weak side of me. Why? Because people expect me to be strong. I am supposed to be level headed. I am wise. I am....not weak, emotional, worried, stressed. I spent my birthday in 2013 in a most painful way...with my mama during her biopsy that confirmed my worst fear. I spent my birthday in 2014 missing my mama because her body failed her and she left before seeing a year from diagnosis. But here's the thing...I can count on one hand the people who knew I was hurting and dreading and resenting my birthday this year. Why? Because it was my birthday and people wanted me to be happy so that is what I showed them.
I had a very insightful, needed, dreaded, painful conversation last night that really brought all of this year with it's pain, anxiety, depression and fake smiles into a brand new perspective for me. I have not once this past year thanked God for what He was seeing me through. He allowed me to be a caretaker for my mama to her last breath. He gave me the strength to hold her hand on her final exhale. He gave me the peace I needed to sing one of her favorite songs to her. He allowed me to see my beautiful mama saying goodbye to all she loved.
I found strength in Him. But, I did not allow anyone to share in my troubles. I kept it to myself because no one wanted to see that kind of ugly weakness in me. But, I am weak. I am so much weaker than most realize. Just the other night, I reached out to a friend who continues to try to be a friend that I continue to hold at bay (in my defense, she does the same thing to me...2 peas, 1 pod). I let her know that I was very scared and anxious about a medical procedure I have coming up. She immediately said she would be there with me. WHOA! Hold your horses there lady....I don't allow people to see me in that condition...that weak. I just wanted your prayers...
Well, then I remembered..."Yet it was good of you to share my troubles" . Wow. I'm stuck now. So, I told this friend that it was hard to allow her to go but "thank you". How hard is it to accept our ugly weakness and simply say thank you? Well, I realized, yes a bit late in life, last night that weakness is when we are at our most beautiful. Why? It shows our truest, deepest and most sincere heart. Think: cancer, woman, chemo....BALD. Do you think ugly or do you think beautiful and strong? Think: pregnant woman. Do you think ugly, weak or miserable? I see beautiful, strong, amazing.
I have been through a lot over the last 14 months and I have only allowed a few select people in deep enough to see the real picture. To those people that I allowed in....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! There are so many people that did or said something during this time to let me know they were there....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! And to all of you I say...THANK YOU for being one of the many rainbows in my life!
Much Love,
me
Friday, July 25, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Joy in any language...
Then Hannah prayed. She said, "The Lord has filled my heart with joy. He had made me strong. I can laugh at my enemies. I'm so glad He saved me". 1 Samuel 2:1
So, today, I had to be reminded to not let others still my joy. This is a hard concept for me as the mood of others always affects my mood. Other reactions/actions always affects my mood. This was the case today. Something said as a joke was returned with a negative reaction and attitude simply because the person receiving wasn't in the mood to receive. The reaction was quite negative, hurtful and unnecessary. Up to that point, my day had gone quite well. Good even. I had laughed quite a bit, I felt good mentally and emotionally. Then...nothing for the next few hours.
Later, as I was walking through the office, I made a detour to see a very spiritually strong friend of mine. She said "Baby girl, what's wrong? Where'd your smile go?" So, I explained that someone wasn't very nice and it upset me. Her response, "You can't let others take your joy, it's yours. People will always be mean or insensitive but we can't let that affect our own mood. When someone is negative, break the mean words."
So, I walked away and thought about her words. It reminded me of a lesson I learned through a sermon not too long ago. "Joy is internal, between you and God. Happiness is external, between you and the world". If I remember to seek true joy through God, others moods and words cannot affect me and my joy because it's internal. I do not have to allow anyone else access to my eternal being except for God.
Today's rainbow? My sweet friend who reminded me what true joy is and where it is found. Don't give others the power over your happiness, seek the joy that only comes from God. Much Love, Me.
.JPG)
So, today, I had to be reminded to not let others still my joy. This is a hard concept for me as the mood of others always affects my mood. Other reactions/actions always affects my mood. This was the case today. Something said as a joke was returned with a negative reaction and attitude simply because the person receiving wasn't in the mood to receive. The reaction was quite negative, hurtful and unnecessary. Up to that point, my day had gone quite well. Good even. I had laughed quite a bit, I felt good mentally and emotionally. Then...nothing for the next few hours.
Later, as I was walking through the office, I made a detour to see a very spiritually strong friend of mine. She said "Baby girl, what's wrong? Where'd your smile go?" So, I explained that someone wasn't very nice and it upset me. Her response, "You can't let others take your joy, it's yours. People will always be mean or insensitive but we can't let that affect our own mood. When someone is negative, break the mean words."
So, I walked away and thought about her words. It reminded me of a lesson I learned through a sermon not too long ago. "Joy is internal, between you and God. Happiness is external, between you and the world". If I remember to seek true joy through God, others moods and words cannot affect me and my joy because it's internal. I do not have to allow anyone else access to my eternal being except for God.
Today's rainbow? My sweet friend who reminded me what true joy is and where it is found. Don't give others the power over your happiness, seek the joy that only comes from God. Much Love, Me.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Love and all it's pain
You are God's chosen people. You are hold and dearly loved. So put on tender mercy and kindness as if they were your clothes. Don't be proud. Be gentle and patient. Put up with each other. Forgive the things you are holding against one another Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you. And over all of those good things put on love. Love holds them all together perfectly as if they were one. Colossians 3:12-14
So, I wanted to go to a Sunday night service that I had only been to one other time. While preparing myself to go (stress and anxiety always being a factor), I was heading face first into cinder blocks every time I looked up. First, chaperone seemed as though they would be unable to attend. Then, grumpy kids, lengthy family conversations, delayed departures....it was definitely stacked against me to attend. But, I remembered sweet Pastor Blake Hayes saying "when it seems impossible to attend God's house, you must". So, I headed out.
When making our way to and finally sitting in the sanctuary/auditorium, I noticed that the current topic (this church does lessons in series) was on relationships, specifically marriage and dating. The emotional roller coaster of my recent days said this was the last lesson I needed/wanted to hear. But, now I am stuck and I am not a quitter, so, listen I did. So focus on this for a moment:
"until you allow yourself to be loved by God, you cannot allow yourself to be fully loved by another"
"when you allow yourself to be loved by God, you want to fully give your love to another"
"we have to give trust because we are loved, trust cannot be earned"
These are statements (though there were others) that resonated with me the strongest and drove me to my 'thinking' spot for the evening. Those who truly know me, know that I do not trust, I do not easily allow myself to express my love (even though I love many deeply, they likely do not know) and I always have a wall, my protection, to prevent other from getting deep enough inside of my heart and head to cause lasting damage. Through the abuse in my life time, by others and myself, I carry enough guilt to sink several Titanic ships. Sexual abuse that led to not so healthy habits in the form of sex, drugs, alcohol, demeaning relationships (friends and others), eating disorders and I'm sure there are others not here listed. It's been a long, hard road to get where I am today and then I attend this service and realize what I have always taught my children....life is nothing but continuous learning and evolving. The lesson on this Sunday night? It's time to seek out God's love for me. Not my kids. Not others. But, for me. That means forgiveness, right? Dang. That means no strings, right? Dang again. Why must I allow holes in my wall in order to learn and evolve? When will I see easy improvement?
So, not so long ago, I decided that I wanted what I wanted. I have made changes to attract circumstances in which I can obtain what I want. And then, learning and evolving simply to realize that in order to end my race at the finish line I desire, I must allow myself to be fully loved by God so that I can fully obtain my own heart's desire. This does not sound easy. Probably not much fun. Will the end result be worth it? Yes....I see a rainbow in my future.
Allow God's love to fully penetrate your heart no matter the current condition you find it in. 1st place is waiting for you! Much Love, Me.
So, I wanted to go to a Sunday night service that I had only been to one other time. While preparing myself to go (stress and anxiety always being a factor), I was heading face first into cinder blocks every time I looked up. First, chaperone seemed as though they would be unable to attend. Then, grumpy kids, lengthy family conversations, delayed departures....it was definitely stacked against me to attend. But, I remembered sweet Pastor Blake Hayes saying "when it seems impossible to attend God's house, you must". So, I headed out.
When making our way to and finally sitting in the sanctuary/auditorium, I noticed that the current topic (this church does lessons in series) was on relationships, specifically marriage and dating. The emotional roller coaster of my recent days said this was the last lesson I needed/wanted to hear. But, now I am stuck and I am not a quitter, so, listen I did. So focus on this for a moment:
"until you allow yourself to be loved by God, you cannot allow yourself to be fully loved by another"
"when you allow yourself to be loved by God, you want to fully give your love to another"
"we have to give trust because we are loved, trust cannot be earned"
These are statements (though there were others) that resonated with me the strongest and drove me to my 'thinking' spot for the evening. Those who truly know me, know that I do not trust, I do not easily allow myself to express my love (even though I love many deeply, they likely do not know) and I always have a wall, my protection, to prevent other from getting deep enough inside of my heart and head to cause lasting damage. Through the abuse in my life time, by others and myself, I carry enough guilt to sink several Titanic ships. Sexual abuse that led to not so healthy habits in the form of sex, drugs, alcohol, demeaning relationships (friends and others), eating disorders and I'm sure there are others not here listed. It's been a long, hard road to get where I am today and then I attend this service and realize what I have always taught my children....life is nothing but continuous learning and evolving. The lesson on this Sunday night? It's time to seek out God's love for me. Not my kids. Not others. But, for me. That means forgiveness, right? Dang. That means no strings, right? Dang again. Why must I allow holes in my wall in order to learn and evolve? When will I see easy improvement?
So, not so long ago, I decided that I wanted what I wanted. I have made changes to attract circumstances in which I can obtain what I want. And then, learning and evolving simply to realize that in order to end my race at the finish line I desire, I must allow myself to be fully loved by God so that I can fully obtain my own heart's desire. This does not sound easy. Probably not much fun. Will the end result be worth it? Yes....I see a rainbow in my future.
Allow God's love to fully penetrate your heart no matter the current condition you find it in. 1st place is waiting for you! Much Love, Me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)