The suicide of actor Robin Williams has really impacted a lot of people around the world. What it did for me, was open my eyes in several ways. Money truly doesn't buy happiness (though I knew this to some degree). Even the seemingly most happy person hides some of the most painful secrets behind their smiles. Outside appearances are quite often deceptive to what is twisting and turning on the inside.
Oh, wait, I knew these things. I live these things. I fight with these things and oh so many more. I have always taught my children (by birth and inherited) that mental health is vital to maintain just like any other aspect of our health like heart health, hearing, sight, on and on. When I realized that I was suffering from depression, around age 15, mental illness was kept quiet. You didn't talk about it because it made you crazy and crazy people were put away. I wanted to educate my children to understand that mental illness was no different than any other illness that could potentially cost you your life. No negative stigmas in this family.
Then, in trying to walk into faith, I tried a more spiritual approach to working with my illness and working towards a healthier life. Then, BAM! Someone says that my depression, anxiety etc are just mere sins that need to be turned over to God. WHOA! What a set back. I am now 3 plus years out passed that statement and have made my own determination about this illness on a spiritual level. Here goes...
The more light (rainbows) we can add to our lives when we are having so-so days or ok days or even those rare good days, the better equipped we are to fight our way through the oh so consuming and unbelievably heavy darkness in order to emerge a little sooner, a little better and maybe a little more educated for the next fight. The illness is not a sin, it is an illness. The battle that must be fought is to realize that we can be stronger than the illness. Find positive....whatever that looks like for you. I have found some pretty amazing people in my "circle" lately that have provided me with so much positive ammunition that I find myself daring the darkness to come at me!! Some of these people are spiritual walkers, some are not. But what they have in common is expressing their love for me in ways that I can believe them and hold on to when I start facing the negative rivers flowing in my mind.
We need to find what works for us individually since depression is an individual illness and not a group issue. It's not common to find someone on the same level as you regarding mental illness. Similarities? Sure. Similar causes? Possibly. I was blessed some years ago to develop a friendship with someone who truly shared my illness on so many levels. This friend said to me, "you cannot become a statistic, don't allow it. Suicide is not an option!" Oh the tears we shared that night. Then, tragically, my friend took his life. He left me. After such a connection and a promise to call one another when the darkness started...he succumbed. Boy was I angry! But then I realized, I had to fight harder. I had to get stronger. I could not allow this devastating disease make me follow that same path. I would create a new path. This was not easy. Still isn't. Never will be. But I have learned to accept for truth the hardest lesson of all...I do not suffer alone in this illness.
We need to remove the stigmas and misconceptions and any other negative thoughts & opinions about mental illness and recognize that money cannot save you. Education may not save you. We are in need of spiritual guidance through the darkness and need to find a light within our lives that will shine through the darkness in it's worst place and hold on for dear life...not death. No one is immune to this disease. No one can fight it alone. Find your light, your rainbow, your positive hand that you can hold on to and NEVER LET GO!
All my love, Me
"Come to me, all who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the desolate pit...He put a new song in my mouth." Psalm 40:1-3
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help" Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Mirror Mirror of the Soul
So, as I have said to many in the past, change of self should be a continuous task throughout our lives. This change, usually, most often, is not easy to put into action. Today, a very tough, hard lesson of true, internal love that cannot often be reflected to be as pure as it is meant to be.
Conditioning of the self is often done by other people, experiences, conversations etc. What I learned today is that one of the hardest changes to act upon is changing this internal conditioning. I really try to not expect out of others in my present what I have experienced from others in my past. However, there are circumstances in which this is excruciatingly difficult, paralyzing I would say. By my experience, everyone wants something in return. Could be deeds, sex, favors....the list can go on. I have learned this especially from the male population...unfortunately I have tried to unlearn this conditioning for the majority of my life. This is most difficult due to another lesson I learned today...or rather I have known but not often admitted. My worth. Am I enough just as I am? Do I have to give something in return for someone to value their time with me? Do I need to change who I am/want to be in order for someone to be happy with me?
Today, I have experienced the true internal love of another wanting nothing in return. This is not something I am used to so it is not something I know what to do with. I was told I should replay the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" until I took to heart the lyrics. I shouldn't worry about what was wanted from me, I should be happy that I was enough. Well, that went over like a lead balloon....I happen to know that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fit enough. Not strong enough. Not mom enough. Not. Enough. However, this conversation led to another, deeper & more spiritual conversation.
"How can you not be enough...I created you". Then, on Facebook I had friends in my newsfeed that had posted different ways of saying "you are enough". So, I'm thinking, alone with my Spiritual Advisor. And I ask...show me my worth. So, a rainbow has broken through another piece of my darkness and has reflected His light, love and patience with me. The acceptance of being enough without deeds, favors, etc. I am sure will prove to be one of the hardest rainbows yet to hold on to, but, I have decided to it is a lesson and a change that I want to put into action. To my very special friend who started this paralyzing yet light reflecting evening, I thank you with all that I can and I love you more that I can express.
"Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows" Matthew 10:31
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. Love is not happy with evil but is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Conditioning of the self is often done by other people, experiences, conversations etc. What I learned today is that one of the hardest changes to act upon is changing this internal conditioning. I really try to not expect out of others in my present what I have experienced from others in my past. However, there are circumstances in which this is excruciatingly difficult, paralyzing I would say. By my experience, everyone wants something in return. Could be deeds, sex, favors....the list can go on. I have learned this especially from the male population...unfortunately I have tried to unlearn this conditioning for the majority of my life. This is most difficult due to another lesson I learned today...or rather I have known but not often admitted. My worth. Am I enough just as I am? Do I have to give something in return for someone to value their time with me? Do I need to change who I am/want to be in order for someone to be happy with me?
Today, I have experienced the true internal love of another wanting nothing in return. This is not something I am used to so it is not something I know what to do with. I was told I should replay the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" until I took to heart the lyrics. I shouldn't worry about what was wanted from me, I should be happy that I was enough. Well, that went over like a lead balloon....I happen to know that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fit enough. Not strong enough. Not mom enough. Not. Enough. However, this conversation led to another, deeper & more spiritual conversation.
"How can you not be enough...I created you". Then, on Facebook I had friends in my newsfeed that had posted different ways of saying "you are enough". So, I'm thinking, alone with my Spiritual Advisor. And I ask...show me my worth. So, a rainbow has broken through another piece of my darkness and has reflected His light, love and patience with me. The acceptance of being enough without deeds, favors, etc. I am sure will prove to be one of the hardest rainbows yet to hold on to, but, I have decided to it is a lesson and a change that I want to put into action. To my very special friend who started this paralyzing yet light reflecting evening, I thank you with all that I can and I love you more that I can express.
"Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows" Matthew 10:31
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. Love is not happy with evil but is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Friday, July 25, 2014
Weak is Beauty
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Philippians 4:6
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles" Philippians 4:13-14
These verses have been screaming at me many times through the day in so many different situations lately. I have given into my depression in a most severe way over this, the worse year of my life thus far. By allowing the depression to take root, I allowed anxiety to weaken me in so many areas of my life. Lots of people do this, that's not the hard part. The hard part? Finding and holding onto a rainbow long enough to pull you back up and out.
I don't let people see this weak side of me. Why? Because people expect me to be strong. I am supposed to be level headed. I am wise. I am....not weak, emotional, worried, stressed. I spent my birthday in 2013 in a most painful way...with my mama during her biopsy that confirmed my worst fear. I spent my birthday in 2014 missing my mama because her body failed her and she left before seeing a year from diagnosis. But here's the thing...I can count on one hand the people who knew I was hurting and dreading and resenting my birthday this year. Why? Because it was my birthday and people wanted me to be happy so that is what I showed them.
I had a very insightful, needed, dreaded, painful conversation last night that really brought all of this year with it's pain, anxiety, depression and fake smiles into a brand new perspective for me. I have not once this past year thanked God for what He was seeing me through. He allowed me to be a caretaker for my mama to her last breath. He gave me the strength to hold her hand on her final exhale. He gave me the peace I needed to sing one of her favorite songs to her. He allowed me to see my beautiful mama saying goodbye to all she loved.
I found strength in Him. But, I did not allow anyone to share in my troubles. I kept it to myself because no one wanted to see that kind of ugly weakness in me. But, I am weak. I am so much weaker than most realize. Just the other night, I reached out to a friend who continues to try to be a friend that I continue to hold at bay (in my defense, she does the same thing to me...2 peas, 1 pod). I let her know that I was very scared and anxious about a medical procedure I have coming up. She immediately said she would be there with me. WHOA! Hold your horses there lady....I don't allow people to see me in that condition...that weak. I just wanted your prayers...
Well, then I remembered..."Yet it was good of you to share my troubles" . Wow. I'm stuck now. So, I told this friend that it was hard to allow her to go but "thank you". How hard is it to accept our ugly weakness and simply say thank you? Well, I realized, yes a bit late in life, last night that weakness is when we are at our most beautiful. Why? It shows our truest, deepest and most sincere heart. Think: cancer, woman, chemo....BALD. Do you think ugly or do you think beautiful and strong? Think: pregnant woman. Do you think ugly, weak or miserable? I see beautiful, strong, amazing.
I have been through a lot over the last 14 months and I have only allowed a few select people in deep enough to see the real picture. To those people that I allowed in....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! There are so many people that did or said something during this time to let me know they were there....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! And to all of you I say...THANK YOU for being one of the many rainbows in my life!
Much Love,
me
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles" Philippians 4:13-14
These verses have been screaming at me many times through the day in so many different situations lately. I have given into my depression in a most severe way over this, the worse year of my life thus far. By allowing the depression to take root, I allowed anxiety to weaken me in so many areas of my life. Lots of people do this, that's not the hard part. The hard part? Finding and holding onto a rainbow long enough to pull you back up and out.
I don't let people see this weak side of me. Why? Because people expect me to be strong. I am supposed to be level headed. I am wise. I am....not weak, emotional, worried, stressed. I spent my birthday in 2013 in a most painful way...with my mama during her biopsy that confirmed my worst fear. I spent my birthday in 2014 missing my mama because her body failed her and she left before seeing a year from diagnosis. But here's the thing...I can count on one hand the people who knew I was hurting and dreading and resenting my birthday this year. Why? Because it was my birthday and people wanted me to be happy so that is what I showed them.
I had a very insightful, needed, dreaded, painful conversation last night that really brought all of this year with it's pain, anxiety, depression and fake smiles into a brand new perspective for me. I have not once this past year thanked God for what He was seeing me through. He allowed me to be a caretaker for my mama to her last breath. He gave me the strength to hold her hand on her final exhale. He gave me the peace I needed to sing one of her favorite songs to her. He allowed me to see my beautiful mama saying goodbye to all she loved.
I found strength in Him. But, I did not allow anyone to share in my troubles. I kept it to myself because no one wanted to see that kind of ugly weakness in me. But, I am weak. I am so much weaker than most realize. Just the other night, I reached out to a friend who continues to try to be a friend that I continue to hold at bay (in my defense, she does the same thing to me...2 peas, 1 pod). I let her know that I was very scared and anxious about a medical procedure I have coming up. She immediately said she would be there with me. WHOA! Hold your horses there lady....I don't allow people to see me in that condition...that weak. I just wanted your prayers...
Well, then I remembered..."Yet it was good of you to share my troubles" . Wow. I'm stuck now. So, I told this friend that it was hard to allow her to go but "thank you". How hard is it to accept our ugly weakness and simply say thank you? Well, I realized, yes a bit late in life, last night that weakness is when we are at our most beautiful. Why? It shows our truest, deepest and most sincere heart. Think: cancer, woman, chemo....BALD. Do you think ugly or do you think beautiful and strong? Think: pregnant woman. Do you think ugly, weak or miserable? I see beautiful, strong, amazing.
I have been through a lot over the last 14 months and I have only allowed a few select people in deep enough to see the real picture. To those people that I allowed in....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! There are so many people that did or said something during this time to let me know they were there....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! And to all of you I say...THANK YOU for being one of the many rainbows in my life!
Much Love,
me
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