Soar to Your Destination

My last post expressed my desire to "take a deep, face the sun and step forward" and I have done well putting that into practice. I have spent time alone, getting to know myself in a manner of speaking. Due to anxieties, depression, fears and oh so many things that are hazardous to my thinking, I do not venture to very many public places on my own and when I do, I do not stay put too long.  But, I have been very diligent about changing this lately and this week, I was unexpectedly rewarded for it and it has stuck with me through the rest of my challenging week.

I had planned another trip to the beach, my time there is so peaceful and relaxing. But, just before I was to leave to go, the storms evaded our area and prevented that from happening. So, I decided to sit at a coffee shop, armed with coffee and a book. I read, quite a bit, but under the guise of reading, I was thinking more and more about the things I was changing, want to change and expect to change.  I had a very enlightening time. This "spend time alone" thing is going pretty well. So, I am done and I pick up my things to leave and I see a picture, though the picture is important, it was the finishing touch to my thinking that was the important part. It was an eagle soaring into the sun, wings wide spread and just aimed at his destination. This was a pretty large rainbow for me. I tend to take baby steps, never large strides, to move towards my destination. Very timid, anxious, unsure steps, always wondering things like, can I do this? Should I do this? Do I deserve to do this?

However, the confidence that was exuded in this picture did not reflect any of these unsurities. The eagle simply knew what he wanted and was determined to get it. This is what we are to do, all of us. We need to figure out what we want, how to get it and then, without all the anxieties, set out to get it. This is how things should be done both professionally and personally. I am good at this on a professional level, I have not allowed anything to detour or prohibit my professional goals. But personally, not so strong in that area and this is what I have been trying to change.

This time alone and this picture, solidified for me that I no longer will be happy taking unsure baby steps towards my goals but I want to soar towards them with confidence and determination.

Move forward :) Let this be your rainbow.  All my love, me

Quit Blocking Your Rainbow

Self evaluation can be excruciating, however, when a friend points out what's going on, it has the potential to be devastating.  But, to have God back all of that up with a verse in the middle of a Wednesday night service, you truly have the wind taken out of your sails and fall to the ground like a marionette dropped by his holder.

So, for awhile now I have been battling my depression to the point that I feel as though I am spinning my wheels and staying in a place of forever misery.  Destined to be never more than ok. No consistent happiness, just a hit or miss moment here and there.  So, I vent my opinion, not necessarily eloquently phrased, to someone close.  Whoa! was precisely what I said to myself when I read the response.  So, my self pity was met with a very blunt "wake up to realty" of your blessings.  Not even a lot of blessings were pointed out, just my children, (just really covers a lot). So, I humbled myself, acknowledged my self pity and went to the church service.

And, that's where it truly happened.  I know I haven't been living right lately, no gory details ya'll, rent a movie! I have been trying to make changes, I've been having conversations with God, I've been asking for help. But, there have been hindrances to my improvement that have everything to do with being a human. I wanted to change but I only wanted to change the things I wanted to change.  No, not all the changes related to sins, some were more of a comfort zone issue and some were just changes that would require too much effort.

On the way to church last night, I had one of my conversations with God and I asked Him to please give me one more opportunity to make a major change and to forgive me my mistake once more.  So, the verse?  John 8:11, "and Jesus said, neither do I condemn you, now go and sin no more". WOW.  I don't remember hearing much after that, I remember what I felt and what I knew and what I had just been told. So I have been reflecting today.  Here's the truth, much as it hurts, I blocked my rainbow from God.  Just how long have I been doing this to myself?  How many blessings did I miss out on? How many open doors did God shut in my face because I chose my human side rather than my spiritual side?

So, I listened to a pretty serious change needed and I am properly taking care of my depression again, yes, today is just one day. But, I have resolved within myself that I want to open those doors and I want to see my rainbows that only have my name on them. They are only intended for me, however, I know that I have to open myself fully in order to see them.  We cannot live how we choose to live, indulge in things we should not indulge in, give in to temptations that we are to avoid and yet expect to receive all of the blessings and rainbows that God wants to reveal to us.  We must quit hiding in self pity, fight through depression and step out into the sun and allow God's light to penetrate our deepest self.

I posted this on my social media a few days ago and I am holding to this as who I am choosing to be, I hope it allows more doors to open and more rainbows to be shown to me.

"and with the sun on her face and the turmoil and pain behind her, she took a step forward"

All my love, Me.

Better in His eyes

She must be pretty. It's ok, I have never been pretty enough. I'm sure she's smart. I have never been that smart. I have never been funny enough, cute enough, nice enough, skinny enough....never enough. 

I know my flaws, I am my own worst critic. It's truly fascinating, the psychology of how deep the scars are of those abused. If you think I messed up on a level of a 2, I will see it as a 7....much worse. All of these things makes it excruciating when it comes to accepting love, whether in the form of parental love, offspring love, friendship love or significant other love; it is all just painful to accept as real and true. I always question the truth of it, no matter who says how they feel.

But, there's another side. I crave love and acceptance from others. This can be and has been devastating. I have sought this from others that were not healthy for me to be involved with and caused even more scars. Some of these situations have lasted much longer than necessary. Then there are the situations where I want so badly to believe the person that I am oblivious to their lies, cheating, and manipulating that by the time I recognized it for what it was, the pain I suffered caused me to build yet another wall. 

This situation has happened again recently. I have been feeling not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough....just not enough, especially when compared to others. But today, in some very rare alone time, I was reminded of some very important information. 

My creator made me in His image and He is perfect. He is the healer of my scars, even the deepest ones. I do not need another wall built, I need only to allow Jesus´ love to continue tearing them down. I do not need others to prove my self worth, I am worthy because I am His child. 

I am strongest when I give Him my weakness and walk not on my own but in His strength. I have realized today that I do not have to be where I do not belong. I can and will and deserve to continue my journey to improve who I am, discover who I want to be and become who I am meant to become. My rainbow will be bright and strong...it will not fade.

All my love, me