History Rewritten

Do you know what you want? I’m at a cross roads with this question right now. I know what I want. But, I knew what I wanted before. I was on the path that would have led me there. A very long time ago, I was going after what I wanted. I was achieving goals that I had thought were unattainable. I was becoming sure and proud of myself. I felt strong. I had a handle on my mental health. I was a focused mom. I went back to school. I was on my way!

Do you know what’s happened to you? Well, they say hind sight is 20/20, however, they do not also tell you that this perfect vision not only comes at a price but that it will likely be painful to view. This is where I am right now with my vision. I can see very clearly what happened to derail me all those years ago. It has happened before. A repeat of circumstances. I worked really hard the last time I came to this very similar fork in the road. I made promises to myself. I sought out what type of warning signs I could watch for and be weary of. I made a note of things to avoid, behaviors to pay attention to and stay away from.  But, in the end, here I am again, I have repeated my past. I have again become stuck!

Do you want to keep living this way? NO! I absolutely do not want to keep living like this and repeating my past over and over. I want a new future. I want everything that I have not yet crossed off of my list. I want to get back on the path that will lead me to the goals that I have so desired. I’ve taken some progressive steps towards these goals. I have made some positive changes within myself to better protect my future self from repeating these negative issues from my past. I have chosen to take further action in my life so that 5 or 10 years from now, when I once again receive my hind sight of perfect vision, I will not again see a repeat of my past and find myself at this all too familiar fork in the road.

But, instead my perfect vision will reflect the strength and courage that I exhibited in order to proceed to the next bend in the road. I want my vision to show me and others that it is more than just possible to change my unwritten destiny. I can break the negative lines of my ancestors and begin a new and positive picture for my future lineage to continue.

Your Comfort is Important

Have you ever been violated? Do you understand what that means? Have you ever violated someone? Are you certain? Sometimes, you can be violated in your daily life. Generally speaking, when most people think about being violated the really overt forms to come their minds. Rape. Blatant molestation. Groping. Unwanted remarks.

I have been subjected to many forms of this violation since the age of 5 by the hands of many. Without question, one over hearing or looking in at the situation would know that a violation was taking place. But, there are other forms of being violated. Please, eliminate these actions from your life if you do them or remove people from your life if you are receiving them.

Have you been watched while showering? Even if by your significant other but uninvited? Does this make you uncomfortable? Have you expressed that just to have it done again? This is a violation. What about when you're getting dressed? Same thing here, if you requested that it not be done yet it continues, this is a violation.  Does someone in your life grab you in private areas of your body, daily, no matter who's around? This is a violation.

Words, too can be a daily violation. If you are uncomfortable with the conversation or even just certain words, and you've requested it to be ended yet it continues, this is a violation. Does your skin ever crawl at someone's touch? Close your eyes to avoid seeing something or someone and hide in your head? Ever been in the presence of someone and just counted the moments until you could remove yourself? Has the presence of someone ever made you feel trapped, suffocated?

These are a few examples of how someone can violate you. If you are uncomfortable, you have the right to defend that feeling and have it ended immediately. No one has the right to continue to put you in situations in which you feel uncomfortable. Stand up for yourself. Stay in positive situations and end the negative ones.

My rainbow in this...to know I'm worth being comfortable in my situations.

All my love, Me

Become the Positive

There's so much negativity in my daily life and throughout my past. This negativity has become part of me, how I live and what I believe. I'm not worth much I believe. I'm not very smart. I'm too overweight. I'm very plain, maybe even ugly. I'm not funny. I'm too sensitive. Etc...and so it goes.

I want this to change. I want positive to become second nature in my daily living. I want to see myself the way someone sees me when they compliment my smile. I want to know that I'm as smart as someone tells me I am. I want to be...enough. But, I don't believe I deserve these things that I so desire.

I've lost someone whom I love so very dearly and always will. Yet, I often wonder, do they know how much they meant to me? Could it be possible that they loved me as much as I love them? I don't want this trend to continue. When someone passes, I want to KNOW that they truly believed the things about me that they said. That they knew how much I loved them. I want to KNOW how they felt about me without all of this doubt clouding all the positive emotions.

Finally, some reprieve in all of this daily negative. Someone cared enough to ask. Someone believed enough to prove. Someone saw something worth looking deeper. Someone thought I was....enough.

My rainbow today has been the focus that I have given to the recently given positive in so many ways, on so many levels by someone who is a positive influence.

Look for the positive. Believe the positive. Live the positive. Become the positive.

All My Love,  Me.