So, I've been crazy lately, I thought literally I was sincerely going crazy, you know, committable type crazy. I was very worried about what was going on in my head. I made an appointment and went last week and was told that I was suffering from Serotonin Syndrome. I had a lot of blood work done. I was called Tuesday about my labs and had to go to the doctor yesterday. Y'all, I was devastated and hurt when I stepped on the scales. I had gained 5lbs in just a week.
I'm so very focused on this when I'm in the room waiting for the doctor. She tells me that normal thyroid numbers are 0 to 3. 3 is the absolute max of ok. Mine was 6.2....triple their max! I was shocked. She explained that the weight gain, heart flutters, hyper anxiety, headaches and tons of other issues I've been experiencing are most likely due to the thyroid numbers. I have hypothyroidism.
To add to my list of issues...now I have to worry about my thyroid numbers! I've seen first hand what can happen if those numbers get to low. I've witnessed first hand someone seemingly having a stroke, paramedics even thought it was a stroke. But, it wasn't a stroke. His numbers got deathly low! So, I have to worry about my sugar as I am hypoglycemic. I've dealt with mental illness for as long as I can remember in depression and anxiety. I've had and continue to have every kind of headache available. I have an as yet to be diagnosed autoimmune illness. I now have Serotonin Syndrome and hypothyroidism.
I'm too tired for words y'all. Then, a friend of my son and oldest daughter passed recently. We went to his public memorial today at a Catholic Church. He was also Hispanic. I didn't understand everything that was said and sang in Spanish, but, I felt it. I've never been to a mass before. It was soul touching. I heard and felt and thought so very much during the service.
Most importantly, I found my rainbow. My daughter and several of her high school friends that have always called me momma were together again. I had so much love given to me. So many memories discussed. So much laughter had.
It took a memorial to bring me a much needed rainbow and I will treasure that experience for a very long time. R.I.P. sir. Thank you to all of my kids by birth and not. I love you always!!
All My Love,
Me
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
No Repeats
History is, for me, a good subject. I enjoy learning from the past and about the past. I adore sitting with older folks and hearing what they've experience throughout their lives. I have stories from carnivals in the sixties and seventies. A Vet that was a fighter pilot. A lady that gave birth to the first child born at Pender Memorial Hospital, also the first black child born at that hospital. This kind of history, I so enjoy.
The history I've been living in lately though, that history is not something I would choose to be learning...again. My anxiety has been so harsh lately that I have had to reapply my deodorant within just 2 hours after getting dressed. I have had to tie my hair up early, prior to lunch, because it's soaked from anxiety type sweating. Bra is wet. Trembling so bad I can't type at times. My depression has become very oppressive. I have no desire. No desire to be awake. No desire to sleep. No desire to clean, eat, read, watch tv...just no desire.
I've reached out. I've made a new appointment. I've taking stock of my situation and working on it. But, it's so overwhelming right now. The other day, my thoughts got so heavy, dark and scary that it took me over an hour to slowly walk out of it and look for the light that I needed to pull me out. I haven't been in that place in over 15 years. It was very scary for me. I had forgotten how consuming it becomes and just how hard it is to remember to focus on the needed light.
But, I didn't allow history to repeat itself too much for too long. I didn't hold on to this as a personal secret. I have spoken to 3 people, in detail, with the happenings of that time and I requested help. This is new for me. I don't let too many in deep enough that I could ask for help.
My rainbows right now? Those that I have reached out to that did not judge me, did not have even the slightest change in how they looked at or spoke to me. Those that gave me the needed compassion and sensitivity that I just didn't know how to ask for.
For you, those people, thank you from the deepest part of my heart. I love you more than I have words.
All my love, Me
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Juggling is Over Rated
I am in turmoil...severe at the moment. I just need my life to slow down to about half the speed it's currently moving. Brief summary of why I am where I am right now...
So, May 8, 2017, I lost a career job. I had been with firm for 12 years and in the industry since 2001. I was at least expecting it, there were signs. But, being the primary family provider, this was just shy of devastating. There was a saving grace, I had 2 adult working children still at home so they helped immensely. I found a job in December that ran until the end of April. No benefits, half the normal for me pay and it was temporary, but at least I was working again!! Then I was fortunate enough to get another job just a few weeks later. However, this was not at all a healthy environment for me and I gave notice while looking again for work. Just a few weeks later, a friend of mine publicly exposed a job, I got it and I enjoy it.
However, during all of this, there was a major devastating storm throughout our state. A daughter lost essentially all of her belongings and was displaced for months before moving across the country in December. Then, a child moved out of my home at the end of December. I was out of my mental health meds for over 6 months during all of this and just went back on them 3 weeks ago. There are, of course, other things that have occurred during all of this but that would negate the summary being brief.
So, I'm on my meds again. However, I'm not benefiting from them as I normally would. My anxiety is in severe overdrive and my depression has hit such severe levels that I haven't seen in decades. I have decisions that I should make but I can't because I cannot stay focused on just one thing in order to make rational decisions. I think I know what I want, but I can't focus long enough to weigh the situation thoroughly. Since I'm a planner, I can't make the decisions until the planning can be done as well. There's so many of my juggling balls in the air, I don't have the ability to focus on just one for more than a second before the next needs my immediate attention.
But, then there are days like yesterday when I did nothing but sleep and watch tv all day. I need those days. No responsibility, no thinking, no going, no doing. So, this morning, the balls have my attention again. I have someone dear to me who reminds me that I need to write in order to allow some clarity to seep into my otherwise very blurry mind.
So, this is my first attempt to begin writing again and gain some focus. My rainbow right now? I am here, I have the ability to write, I have a reason to see tomorrow.
Much love, Me
So, May 8, 2017, I lost a career job. I had been with firm for 12 years and in the industry since 2001. I was at least expecting it, there were signs. But, being the primary family provider, this was just shy of devastating. There was a saving grace, I had 2 adult working children still at home so they helped immensely. I found a job in December that ran until the end of April. No benefits, half the normal for me pay and it was temporary, but at least I was working again!! Then I was fortunate enough to get another job just a few weeks later. However, this was not at all a healthy environment for me and I gave notice while looking again for work. Just a few weeks later, a friend of mine publicly exposed a job, I got it and I enjoy it.
However, during all of this, there was a major devastating storm throughout our state. A daughter lost essentially all of her belongings and was displaced for months before moving across the country in December. Then, a child moved out of my home at the end of December. I was out of my mental health meds for over 6 months during all of this and just went back on them 3 weeks ago. There are, of course, other things that have occurred during all of this but that would negate the summary being brief.
So, I'm on my meds again. However, I'm not benefiting from them as I normally would. My anxiety is in severe overdrive and my depression has hit such severe levels that I haven't seen in decades. I have decisions that I should make but I can't because I cannot stay focused on just one thing in order to make rational decisions. I think I know what I want, but I can't focus long enough to weigh the situation thoroughly. Since I'm a planner, I can't make the decisions until the planning can be done as well. There's so many of my juggling balls in the air, I don't have the ability to focus on just one for more than a second before the next needs my immediate attention.
But, then there are days like yesterday when I did nothing but sleep and watch tv all day. I need those days. No responsibility, no thinking, no going, no doing. So, this morning, the balls have my attention again. I have someone dear to me who reminds me that I need to write in order to allow some clarity to seep into my otherwise very blurry mind.
So, this is my first attempt to begin writing again and gain some focus. My rainbow right now? I am here, I have the ability to write, I have a reason to see tomorrow.
Much love, Me
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