No Repeats

History is, for me, a good subject. I enjoy learning from the past and about the past. I adore sitting with older folks and hearing what they've experience throughout their lives. I have stories from carnivals in the sixties and seventies. A Vet that was a fighter pilot. A lady that gave birth to the first child born at Pender Memorial Hospital, also the first black child born at that hospital. This kind of history, I so enjoy.

The history I've been living in lately though, that history is not something I would choose to be learning...again. My anxiety has been so harsh lately that I have had to reapply my deodorant within just 2 hours after getting dressed. I have had to tie my hair up early, prior to lunch, because it's soaked from anxiety type sweating. Bra is wet. Trembling so bad I can't type at times. My depression has become very oppressive. I have no desire. No desire to be awake. No desire to sleep. No desire to clean, eat, read, watch tv...just no desire. 

I've reached out. I've made a new appointment. I've taking stock of my situation and working on it. But, it's so overwhelming right now. The other day, my thoughts got so heavy, dark and scary that it took me over an hour to slowly walk out of it and look for the light that I needed to pull me out. I haven't been in that place in over 15 years. It was very scary for me. I had forgotten how consuming it becomes and just how hard it is to remember to focus on the needed light. 

But, I didn't allow history to repeat itself too much for too long. I didn't hold on to this as a personal secret. I have spoken to 3 people, in detail, with the happenings of that time and I requested help. This is new for me. I don't let too many in deep enough that I could ask for help. 

My rainbows right now? Those that I have reached out to that did not judge me, did not have even the slightest change in how they looked at or spoke to me. Those that gave me the needed compassion and sensitivity that I just didn't know how to ask for.

For you, those people, thank you from the deepest part of my heart. I love you more than I have words.

All my love, Me