Juggling is Over Rated

I am in turmoil...severe at the moment.  I just need my life to slow down to about half the speed it's currently moving.  Brief summary of why I am where I am right now...

So, May 8, 2017, I lost a career job. I had been with firm for 12 years and in the industry since 2001. I was at least expecting it, there were signs. But, being the primary family provider, this was just shy of devastating. There was a saving grace, I had 2 adult working children still at home so they helped immensely. I found a job in December that ran until the end of April. No benefits, half the normal for me pay and it was temporary, but at least I was working again!! Then I was fortunate enough to get another job just a few weeks later. However, this was not at all a healthy environment for me and I gave notice while looking again for work.  Just a few weeks later, a friend of mine publicly exposed a job, I got it and I enjoy it.

However, during all of this, there was a major devastating storm throughout our state. A daughter lost essentially all of her belongings and was displaced for months before moving across the country in December. Then, a child moved out of my home at the end of December. I was out of my mental health meds for over 6 months during all of this and just went back on them 3 weeks ago. There are, of course, other things that have occurred during all of this but that would negate the summary being brief.

So, I'm on my meds again. However, I'm not benefiting from them as I normally would. My anxiety is in severe overdrive and my depression has hit such severe levels that I haven't seen in decades. I have decisions that I should make but I can't because I cannot stay focused on just one thing in order to make rational decisions. I think I know what I want, but I can't focus long enough to weigh the situation thoroughly. Since I'm a planner, I can't make the decisions until the planning can be done as well. There's so many of my juggling balls in the air, I don't have the ability to focus on just one for more than a second before the next needs my immediate attention.

But, then there are days like yesterday when I did nothing but sleep and watch tv all day. I need those days. No responsibility, no thinking, no going, no doing.  So, this morning, the balls have my attention again. I have someone dear to me who reminds me that I need to write in order to allow some clarity to seep into my otherwise very blurry mind.

So, this is my first attempt to begin writing again and gain some focus. My rainbow right now? I am here, I have the ability to write, I have a reason to see tomorrow.

Much love, Me