I am in turmoil...severe at the moment. I just need my life to slow down to about half the speed it's currently moving. Brief summary of why I am where I am right now...
So, May 8, 2017, I lost a career job. I had been with firm for 12 years and in the industry since 2001. I was at least expecting it, there were signs. But, being the primary family provider, this was just shy of devastating. There was a saving grace, I had 2 adult working children still at home so they helped immensely. I found a job in December that ran until the end of April. No benefits, half the normal for me pay and it was temporary, but at least I was working again!! Then I was fortunate enough to get another job just a few weeks later. However, this was not at all a healthy environment for me and I gave notice while looking again for work. Just a few weeks later, a friend of mine publicly exposed a job, I got it and I enjoy it.
However, during all of this, there was a major devastating storm throughout our state. A daughter lost essentially all of her belongings and was displaced for months before moving across the country in December. Then, a child moved out of my home at the end of December. I was out of my mental health meds for over 6 months during all of this and just went back on them 3 weeks ago. There are, of course, other things that have occurred during all of this but that would negate the summary being brief.
So, I'm on my meds again. However, I'm not benefiting from them as I normally would. My anxiety is in severe overdrive and my depression has hit such severe levels that I haven't seen in decades. I have decisions that I should make but I can't because I cannot stay focused on just one thing in order to make rational decisions. I think I know what I want, but I can't focus long enough to weigh the situation thoroughly. Since I'm a planner, I can't make the decisions until the planning can be done as well. There's so many of my juggling balls in the air, I don't have the ability to focus on just one for more than a second before the next needs my immediate attention.
But, then there are days like yesterday when I did nothing but sleep and watch tv all day. I need those days. No responsibility, no thinking, no going, no doing. So, this morning, the balls have my attention again. I have someone dear to me who reminds me that I need to write in order to allow some clarity to seep into my otherwise very blurry mind.
So, this is my first attempt to begin writing again and gain some focus. My rainbow right now? I am here, I have the ability to write, I have a reason to see tomorrow.
Much love, Me
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
ME: I WANNA BE ME!
How many parts do you have? Yes, this is a ambiguous question. Medically, someone knows this answer. But, I mean, role/personality wise. Let me start...
When we're born, we are someone's child. So, we are a son or a daughter. We behave a certain way for and with our parents. If we are fortunate, we have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. We are another role with each of them and we likely behave differently in each role.
As we grow, we enter school. Now we are someone's student. Another role, another behavior. If we are brought up in a religious home, we have yet another role and another behavior. Our culture often dictates a certain behavior with certain roles. SO, now you have an understanding of my original question. Now, let's dig into me...
I have so many roles and they each have different behaviors. This is so very troubling to me so very often. I have the role of daughter, but since I have 2 families, I have 2 behaviors for this role. Also, each parent required a different behavior for this role (that's 4 if you're keeping score) so I currently have 2 behaviors for my daughter role. I'm a mom...that's a huge role!! Well, I have 4 children and anyone with children (no, not child), knows that your behaviors are a bit different for each child. So, y'all, I'm up to 2 roles and 8 behaviors! I'm a sister. I was raised with 1 sister and 1 brother...1 older and 1 younger. Another role, 2 more behaviors. I also have siblings that I was not raised with...that's 9 more siblings, 9 more behaviors! I also have cousins, aunts, uncles etc. Now, this is my family role. My personal and professional roles are even more. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am an employee and a coworker. I am a Christian, a neighbor, a colleague. I am a sister in law, niece, etc... These roles all have different behaviors. I have always wanted that one person that I can be ME with and not have to worry about roles and behaviors. I've always wanted a friend or a significant other who saw me in all my roles and behaviors and say, it's ok, just breathe. I color but believe it or not, while some people are supportive, others have some harsh criticisms.
I write, some read them and have good feedback, others tell me what a negative thing I've said or written or have some other thing to say to let me know that I shouldn't write what's in my head and put it out in public. I like to decorate for holidays. Not just for my kids, who are now grown now. BUT FOR ME! I like what I like. But, here's my biggest role and behavior....take notes now y'all.
I. DO. FOR. OTHERS. This is who I am at my deepest core. If someone doesn't like my hair that way, I don't wear it that way. If someone says that shirt makes me look.....I get rid of the shirt. If someone says I sound too snobby rather than intelligent, I dumb myself down. If my decorations are silly, I don't do them, for years. I want to be able to be me. I want to do away with this role and these behaviors. I. WANT. TO. BE. ME. But this is the hardest role to edit and make changes to and behavior modification is almost impossible. But, I've decided to be me and just hope and pray that the right people accept me as I am and as I choose to be.
My rainbow in this rant? I just literally met an amazing woman while writing this and I was, ME!
All my love, Me
When we're born, we are someone's child. So, we are a son or a daughter. We behave a certain way for and with our parents. If we are fortunate, we have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. We are another role with each of them and we likely behave differently in each role.
As we grow, we enter school. Now we are someone's student. Another role, another behavior. If we are brought up in a religious home, we have yet another role and another behavior. Our culture often dictates a certain behavior with certain roles. SO, now you have an understanding of my original question. Now, let's dig into me...
I have so many roles and they each have different behaviors. This is so very troubling to me so very often. I have the role of daughter, but since I have 2 families, I have 2 behaviors for this role. Also, each parent required a different behavior for this role (that's 4 if you're keeping score) so I currently have 2 behaviors for my daughter role. I'm a mom...that's a huge role!! Well, I have 4 children and anyone with children (no, not child), knows that your behaviors are a bit different for each child. So, y'all, I'm up to 2 roles and 8 behaviors! I'm a sister. I was raised with 1 sister and 1 brother...1 older and 1 younger. Another role, 2 more behaviors. I also have siblings that I was not raised with...that's 9 more siblings, 9 more behaviors! I also have cousins, aunts, uncles etc. Now, this is my family role. My personal and professional roles are even more. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am an employee and a coworker. I am a Christian, a neighbor, a colleague. I am a sister in law, niece, etc... These roles all have different behaviors. I have always wanted that one person that I can be ME with and not have to worry about roles and behaviors. I've always wanted a friend or a significant other who saw me in all my roles and behaviors and say, it's ok, just breathe. I color but believe it or not, while some people are supportive, others have some harsh criticisms.
I write, some read them and have good feedback, others tell me what a negative thing I've said or written or have some other thing to say to let me know that I shouldn't write what's in my head and put it out in public. I like to decorate for holidays. Not just for my kids, who are now grown now. BUT FOR ME! I like what I like. But, here's my biggest role and behavior....take notes now y'all.
I. DO. FOR. OTHERS. This is who I am at my deepest core. If someone doesn't like my hair that way, I don't wear it that way. If someone says that shirt makes me look.....I get rid of the shirt. If someone says I sound too snobby rather than intelligent, I dumb myself down. If my decorations are silly, I don't do them, for years. I want to be able to be me. I want to do away with this role and these behaviors. I. WANT. TO. BE. ME. But this is the hardest role to edit and make changes to and behavior modification is almost impossible. But, I've decided to be me and just hope and pray that the right people accept me as I am and as I choose to be.
My rainbow in this rant? I just literally met an amazing woman while writing this and I was, ME!
All my love, Me
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Staying Focused
Lately, I've been turning my wheels too vigorously. I think I forgot, maybe only lost sight of a plan that I put into place almost a decade ago. I had 4 wheels turning in different directions and at different RPMs. This is most certainly a recipe for disaster! Luckily I had an abrupt stop but I did not crash nor burn!
I had started settling again. Just plain ole acceptance of position. This was affecting me professionally as well as personally. But, I have had some serious and great changes that have put me back to rights, so to speak. I have a job that I enjoy with minimal issues that are negative to my well being. I no longer have to take my work with me. I am able to get done what needs done and the stress of the office stays at the office. I enjoy the environment for the most part, it's much more relaxed that I am used to having so that's nice. Not only do I not feel unappreciated, but most days I get to experience instant appreciation!
I have a pretty intense personal situation that has long needed some resolution. I believe that time is nearing and I cannot deny that I am a bit excited about that, though with resolution will also come some negative weight. But I believe it will all be a wash once completed. I have another personal situation that I have had way too many questions about that I have obtained answers for and it's a blessing to have received those answers without heart ache. It's just finished. That's a positive.
We've had a pretty devastating natural disaster in our area but I'm fortunate enough to say that I escaped with very minimal impact personally. I do, unfortunately, have loved ones that were more impacted and it's heart breaking. The impact for some will be felt and dealt with for years to come. I hope and pray for continued blessings for these folks daily.
Things have been rough lately but I am desperately trying to focus and hold on to the rainbows. Time alone. Ability to venture out alone. Increasing positive people and situations being brought into my life allowing me to see through my clouds.
Hang in there you, it's worth it!
All my love, Me
I had started settling again. Just plain ole acceptance of position. This was affecting me professionally as well as personally. But, I have had some serious and great changes that have put me back to rights, so to speak. I have a job that I enjoy with minimal issues that are negative to my well being. I no longer have to take my work with me. I am able to get done what needs done and the stress of the office stays at the office. I enjoy the environment for the most part, it's much more relaxed that I am used to having so that's nice. Not only do I not feel unappreciated, but most days I get to experience instant appreciation!
I have a pretty intense personal situation that has long needed some resolution. I believe that time is nearing and I cannot deny that I am a bit excited about that, though with resolution will also come some negative weight. But I believe it will all be a wash once completed. I have another personal situation that I have had way too many questions about that I have obtained answers for and it's a blessing to have received those answers without heart ache. It's just finished. That's a positive.
We've had a pretty devastating natural disaster in our area but I'm fortunate enough to say that I escaped with very minimal impact personally. I do, unfortunately, have loved ones that were more impacted and it's heart breaking. The impact for some will be felt and dealt with for years to come. I hope and pray for continued blessings for these folks daily.
Things have been rough lately but I am desperately trying to focus and hold on to the rainbows. Time alone. Ability to venture out alone. Increasing positive people and situations being brought into my life allowing me to see through my clouds.
Hang in there you, it's worth it!
All my love, Me
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