Quit Blocking Your Rainbow

Self evaluation can be excruciating, however, when a friend points out what's going on, it has the potential to be devastating.  But, to have God back all of that up with a verse in the middle of a Wednesday night service, you truly have the wind taken out of your sails and fall to the ground like a marionette dropped by his holder.

So, for awhile now I have been battling my depression to the point that I feel as though I am spinning my wheels and staying in a place of forever misery.  Destined to be never more than ok. No consistent happiness, just a hit or miss moment here and there.  So, I vent my opinion, not necessarily eloquently phrased, to someone close.  Whoa! was precisely what I said to myself when I read the response.  So, my self pity was met with a very blunt "wake up to realty" of your blessings.  Not even a lot of blessings were pointed out, just my children, (just really covers a lot). So, I humbled myself, acknowledged my self pity and went to the church service.

And, that's where it truly happened.  I know I haven't been living right lately, no gory details ya'll, rent a movie! I have been trying to make changes, I've been having conversations with God, I've been asking for help. But, there have been hindrances to my improvement that have everything to do with being a human. I wanted to change but I only wanted to change the things I wanted to change.  No, not all the changes related to sins, some were more of a comfort zone issue and some were just changes that would require too much effort.

On the way to church last night, I had one of my conversations with God and I asked Him to please give me one more opportunity to make a major change and to forgive me my mistake once more.  So, the verse?  John 8:11, "and Jesus said, neither do I condemn you, now go and sin no more". WOW.  I don't remember hearing much after that, I remember what I felt and what I knew and what I had just been told. So I have been reflecting today.  Here's the truth, much as it hurts, I blocked my rainbow from God.  Just how long have I been doing this to myself?  How many blessings did I miss out on? How many open doors did God shut in my face because I chose my human side rather than my spiritual side?

So, I listened to a pretty serious change needed and I am properly taking care of my depression again, yes, today is just one day. But, I have resolved within myself that I want to open those doors and I want to see my rainbows that only have my name on them. They are only intended for me, however, I know that I have to open myself fully in order to see them.  We cannot live how we choose to live, indulge in things we should not indulge in, give in to temptations that we are to avoid and yet expect to receive all of the blessings and rainbows that God wants to reveal to us.  We must quit hiding in self pity, fight through depression and step out into the sun and allow God's light to penetrate our deepest self.

I posted this on my social media a few days ago and I am holding to this as who I am choosing to be, I hope it allows more doors to open and more rainbows to be shown to me.

"and with the sun on her face and the turmoil and pain behind her, she took a step forward"

All my love, Me.

Better in His eyes

She must be pretty. It's ok, I have never been pretty enough. I'm sure she's smart. I have never been that smart. I have never been funny enough, cute enough, nice enough, skinny enough....never enough. 

I know my flaws, I am my own worst critic. It's truly fascinating, the psychology of how deep the scars are of those abused. If you think I messed up on a level of a 2, I will see it as a 7....much worse. All of these things makes it excruciating when it comes to accepting love, whether in the form of parental love, offspring love, friendship love or significant other love; it is all just painful to accept as real and true. I always question the truth of it, no matter who says how they feel.

But, there's another side. I crave love and acceptance from others. This can be and has been devastating. I have sought this from others that were not healthy for me to be involved with and caused even more scars. Some of these situations have lasted much longer than necessary. Then there are the situations where I want so badly to believe the person that I am oblivious to their lies, cheating, and manipulating that by the time I recognized it for what it was, the pain I suffered caused me to build yet another wall. 

This situation has happened again recently. I have been feeling not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough....just not enough, especially when compared to others. But today, in some very rare alone time, I was reminded of some very important information. 

My creator made me in His image and He is perfect. He is the healer of my scars, even the deepest ones. I do not need another wall built, I need only to allow Jesus´ love to continue tearing them down. I do not need others to prove my self worth, I am worthy because I am His child. 

I am strongest when I give Him my weakness and walk not on my own but in His strength. I have realized today that I do not have to be where I do not belong. I can and will and deserve to continue my journey to improve who I am, discover who I want to be and become who I am meant to become. My rainbow will be bright and strong...it will not fade.

All my love, me

Words - Spoken and Unspoken

Have you ever given thought to how powerful the words that you speak or write are to the person who receives them? I have often desired to be talented with words, I absolutely adore reading something that is well written. However, I have also been on the receiving end of the power that those same words can exhibit.  It's not always good.

"You're too fat". "You're not very pretty." "That was a stupid thing to say". There's really a lot more that I could draw from.  Painful, to this day, some of those words that may have been heard or read decades ago.  People just don't always think about the power they have with something as simple as the alphabet.  I watch a video online today that was created by a high school senior for her senior project, it was about bullying.  It gave intense examples of the power of ones words to another person.

But, have you then taken the time to think about the power of the words that you do not speak? Those unspoken words can be just as painful to the receiver, sometimes even more painful. Sometimes, there is such conflict caused by what is spoken and what is unspoken that the receiver feels lost, used, set aside, hurt and even foolish. You may say you love someone, that you want a future with them, then as time has passed and these words are no longer heard so they are asked for, you say nothing. The conflict that can come from that is too painful to imagine. Maybe you avoid answering a question. Maybe you answer with "things are fine as they are" or "I wouldn't change anything right now". The receiver of those words can read so very much in to those words.

I have been in an alphabetical turmoil lately and there are many degrees to my hell.  What could I have said or done wrong? Why can't it be that one? How could I try harder to fix it, or get the answer I want? I wish I could hear your thoughts. I wish I could know how you feel. I wish I knew what you wanted. How can I help? Oh, geez but I could go on.

But, in the middle of this turmoil, I have decided to change the way I think, or at least try. People will ALWAYS disappoint and hurt you ( I mean me). They are only human. Humans are full of errors. Sometimes the words they say, they mean. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they choose not to say things for fear of hurting you/me. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to risk being hurt. So, though we cannot give up on humans, I have chosen to focus instead on the spoken words that never change, always provide truth, always show real emotion and never intend to cause pain.

My rainbow through this turmoil is The Bible...God's Word(s). "But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him." 1 John 2:5

This is what I hope drives me through my life, looking for this kind of love in others. Spoken words won't be needed. Unspoken words will be understood. Confusion can be resolved. Be kind with the alphabet, you do not know how it will be received.

All my love, Me.