Spinning into Control...

Depression has reoccurring symptoms, side affects and triggers. Anxiety, very similar to depression, however, very different as well because the triggers can change without notice, side affects can worsen or change without a request. When you deal with both, well, your head is a constant tornado. Any type of emotional tragedy can send me into an F5 tornado and it can wreak havoc on my life for days. Living at an F2 daily, this is a HUGE increase.

Then there are those times when I am sent into a life altering F6 spin that is all consuming and blocks out all light, only shadows giving an allusion to the light. The year 2014 was a year that brought such a level of emotional devastation. I was blessed with 2 sets of parents, my natural parents that raised me, and my inherited parents that came into my life over 17 years ago. I call them my Indy family and my NC family. I lost 2 of my parents in 2014, one from each family. I am still recovering from this tornado 2 years later. It has wreaked so much havoc in my life that I am still cleaning up the mess. The pain that was, is and will be felt from this is too indescribable to attempt.

I have recently gone through so much emotional pain that I was definitely sent into an F5, very closely bordering an F6. I have fallen into some bad habits of dealing with this pain and rejection. Trying to find ways to numb the pain. Lashing out at someone I love so very much that I can not express enough remorse to this person to make it right. I tried to explain to this person, I will show you 2 hours in an F5 tornado.

"So much to say, none of it matters. I will never remember without pain, but will hopefully smile again one day. I never did fit. I waasn't meant to. I'm stupid, do stupid things to temporarily override the pain, but it always returns. I get confused, was it real for them, no, it couldn't have been. The pain is overwhelming, I can't breathe at times, even when people are watching. More excuses to make, another mask to wear. So much pain to hide, but it never goes far, always returns. Truly want happiness for them, but what's making them happy turns my stomach when I think about all that I know; it was really real, right? Yeah, in this moment, it was real, now I get sick. Clean up, think some more. Pain. It couldn't have been real. I'm an idiot. Numb the pain again. That's better. Until now, the pain returns, I can't breathe."

This was truly just the span of 2 hours during my work day, so yes, there was work going on during all of this and that just adds to the F5's spin. I needed this person. I try not to need anyone like this, on this level. I am pretty good at not needing actually. I want certain people, but not need, not me. But this one, this one was needed. Now I have to decide if I desire to continue in this vortex and allow it to continue consuming me or if I will, oh geez can I, take a deep breath and find my way out. I know what's best. I know what's right. But I also know what I need, and want, but oh wow, what I need.

My rainbow in this turmoil? Well, this tornado has been spinning for awhile now, it peaked last week. But, my rainbow has come in the written words of believers who want nothing more than to help me breathe. Both the person to whom I lashed out and the person that I tried to hide from; they both have used their faith to guide me through the vortex. To Durham, I say thank you for searching for me through my tornado. To the other person, the one that I lashed out at, I want to say thank you for your loving and forgiving heart and all of the lessons that you taught. I tip my hat to you and hope and pray that I can retain those lessons and lean on them when I am in need of a smile. My rainbow tonight is that I accepted the true love of both of these people that God saw fit to put into my life.

All my love, Me

Big Desire, Bigger Blessings

Ever miss someone in your life so much that it hurts when you think about them? I'm sure you have, most of us have lost  someone dear to us through death. They will never pick up the phone again when you call. When you visit, they will not be sitting in "their spot" anymore. Your go to person has gone. Personally, I have wished for one more call, one more visit, just one more anything. Well, this can happen through a person no longer being a part of your life but not through death, just through circumstances of life.

This has happened alot to me in life.We moved enough in my childhood that I transferred schools several times. I left my home town and lived in another town without the means to get back "home" very often. Then, I left the state. Then, I left another state. Through all of this, people have come and gone through my life. Some, I have missed. Some, well, maybe not so much. Some, I have hoped and prayed had a better life. Then, there's the ones that I have missed so much it hurts. There are plenty of reasons for the missing and the pain. However, there are those that I have missed so much that I prayed for "just one more". Well, God recently granted one such request.

I made contact with someone that was once considered my sister. I never "really" lost contact, we are friends on facebook! But, we haven't seen each other in about 8 years (give or take) and hadn't spoken since then either. Only a random FB message here and there. But, oh so often in those years that were passing, I had wanted just one more call, one more visit, one more hug. So, one day, totally out of character for me, I reached out to her. We chatted. We texted. Then, we scheduled a visit, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and went by myself because I wasn't sure how it would go. It went pretty great. There have already been 3 more visits, 2 overnight stays and countless texts.

Here's the thing, I initiated this step with this person because they were going through a tough time and I wanted to be there and didn't want any regrets in the future of missed opportunities. But, what has transpired is not only an amazing rekindling of a friendship-sister relationship, but an awakening in me that I have, for a very long time, longed for greatly. I set out to be there for her and I was over whelmed with blessings for myself.

My lesson in this situation? Always do for others selflessly and you will be greatly blessed. My rainbow recently? Finding Me inside of Me that I thought was forever lost. I cannot wait for the next text, the next visit, the next GREAT thing!!

All my love, Me

Internal Cleansing

So, I've been forced to do a lot of thinking lately, no choice. I, like most of us, have been bombarded lately with the newest and greatest fad in dieting, probiotics, cleansing, etc....and this has brought me here tonight. I have had several things said to me lately about how this can be freeing and that can be liberating. I have taken all of these things and internalized them, very deeply and sincerely.

Part of my conclusion, I posted to social media this morning: Will you be ready when you see the end approaching? Are you strong enough to endure the results of your actions?

So, we go and go and go in whatever direction we are following, however, each road comes to an end. You will then be faced with staying there, or turning before you reach the end. When you see the end approaching, you run out of time to turn. You must face what awaits you there. Choosing to continue to the end can have devastating consequences. Once the choice is made, you can not turn around. You have no choice but to see what the results of your actions/choices will be and what those consequences are. You will only have 2 choices when facing the consequences, you fail to survive or you find the strength to get through them to either learn and make better choices or, hopefully not, repeat those same choices.

Sometimes, the internal cleansing we need is deeper than any fad medication/food can reach. It's a heart, mind and soul cleansing that is needed. While in the middle of a situation, your logical self, even your good self, knows that the choices you are making are not the right ones and if others were to know of them, they would be hurt. Here's the problem with this cleansing, knowing in your mind someone might be hurt is so much different than experiencing their pain and disappointment. This is excruiating to endure. You cleanse yourself of your negative actions by bringing the information to the center stage, and the consequences is having to personally experience the imagined pain of others, people that you love and care about dearly. Their words, they hurt. Their tears, rip you up. But, the look of their pain that they wear on their faces, that's excruiating. This is where you need to find more strength than you have ever before experienced. Will you survive the pain? Will you repeat the choices that led you here or will you forever learn from them?

Internal cleansing can be good for the soul, be careful though, you will never be the same. My rainbow in this conclusion? If I survive, I will be stronger than I was yesterday. Strength is appealing. I want that, I need that, I will have that kind of strenth.

All my love, Me.