So, I have finally figured out what was bothering so much in a heartbreaking situation that caused me to not be able to let go of that situation. It hurts. It's had me so very raw. But, I have the clarity I need in order to let go and move forward.
I had this person that I was close to, confided in and took direction from in order to better myself and my future. This person has an amazing relationship with God, thrives on ministering to others and wants nothing more in life than to help others and please God. This person really took time to get to know the hidden parts of me. The things that make me, me and are the cause of my actions, decisions, feelings and thoughts. But then, they made a decision that not only knocked the breath out of me, but the manner in which they executed this decision was such that I felt destroyed.
My confidant informed me months ago that I could no longer be a part of their life and one of the reasons given was that no matter how much they told me I was not worthless, I didn't believe them. If they were as important to me as I claimed, I would be able to believe them. Well....if that didn't solidify my feelings of being worthless!!! I am now so worthless that it is a reason to walk away from me and break promises. I confided this information to another, looking for direction. I was met with the clarity I needed. I very rarely feel worth anything, generally, I feel worthless in everything I do which is why I exhaust myself in trying to better who I am. Sometimes, I feel like I might have something, though very little, to contribute. These days are not only rare, but they only seem to happen after I have received confirmation from someone close to me that I am, in fact, not worthless.
When I receive affirmation of something positive about myself from someone close to me, I try with everything I have to believe them. Sometimes that lasts for a day or two, often times it last only for moments. I require a lot of positive put into me in order to feel a little positive about myself. So, when this person let me know that my feelings of worthlessness were a reason to set me aside, it destroyed me inside and out. I haven't known what to do with the emotions I had been dealing with and sorting through. But, in looking for my direction, I received very valuable information. My worth cannot be found in others. My worth is shown to me each day that I awake and am able to once again search for rainbows. Each rainbow I find, shows me my worth.
My heart has been lifted. This person may well think I am worthless. They may think their relationship with me was wasted time. They may be....WRONG. I am not worthless. I did not waste their time or mine. They messed up when they dropped my heart to the depths of hell. But, I have been emotionally resurrected and will continue looking for the rainbows that God puts in my path to prove to me my worth in His eyes.
All My Love, Me
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Monday, November 28, 2016
When You're Lost, Where do You Look?
So, I have been lost for a few months. Something so very important to me was taken away from me. Something I had come to depend upon in my daily life. No, I didn't want it taken away and I didn't consent to that being done. Every time I distract myself, something happens, I see something, I hear something or I think something and I want to run to this missing piece of me and share. But, I cant and this is tortuous for me. See, being an introvert and being co-dependant means that I don't share easily with others and if I do let someone intimately in, I have to have access to them. Taking away this access, no matter the method, causes severe angst for me.
This is what has happened. A cinder block on my chest has prevented me from being able to breathe. I have a question in which I need direction but my map is unaccessible. I am lost. So, I have been trying to figure out a new normal. I have reached out in other directions. I have tried to smother out the emptiness that now threatens to destroy me. And then, I think, maybe this is God's way to punish me for all of the wrong directions I have insisted on going recently. Maybe this is His way to shake me up and pay attention to Him again. So I am thinking about this and I have several conversations with different people that provides me, when all is pieced together, with some very sound direction.
I put my self worth in others opinions of me so heavily that when someone is disappointed, hurt or angered by me, I know I am worth nothing. I don't believe God could ever love me because I am truly unlovable. I don't believe He hears my prayers. I know, I believe, that He has left me due to how unworthy I am. There's really so much more that I could say, but we'll stop here.
So, new direction to my map. I read on a sexual abuse site that survivors of incest generally feel as I described above because, in theory, if my family doesn't love me enough, who will love me enough to protect me? So, this helps. Then, I am told by someone that I have to learn to be me in all manner of what that means and to not so heavily rely on others to hold me up. That hurt, but I understood the context in which it was intended. Then, someone else tells me, that I have to pray and have faith that God hears me and that if I pray, I believe. That one may be the most profound missing piece. I never had it said that way before. When people tell me I need to believe, I tell them that I try. No one has ever replied with "if you pray, you believe". I have analyzed that statement so thoroughly. This is what I get.
When I am lost, I look inward. This is ok, but my focus tends to go on me. However, when I pray, I am looking inward at the Holy Spirit that resides within me. I am believing what Christ said about leaving a comfortor with me. I am believing that God is always with me. And, if He is always with me, then He HAS to hear my prayers. I know now, in this moment, that I need to look inward at the Holy Spirit and He will provide me with all of the direction, satisfaction and help that I so desparately need. He will, in fact, meet me where I am.
My rainbow in my most recent heartbreak and turmoil, is knowing that I have the ability to believe.
All My Love, Me
This is what has happened. A cinder block on my chest has prevented me from being able to breathe. I have a question in which I need direction but my map is unaccessible. I am lost. So, I have been trying to figure out a new normal. I have reached out in other directions. I have tried to smother out the emptiness that now threatens to destroy me. And then, I think, maybe this is God's way to punish me for all of the wrong directions I have insisted on going recently. Maybe this is His way to shake me up and pay attention to Him again. So I am thinking about this and I have several conversations with different people that provides me, when all is pieced together, with some very sound direction.
I put my self worth in others opinions of me so heavily that when someone is disappointed, hurt or angered by me, I know I am worth nothing. I don't believe God could ever love me because I am truly unlovable. I don't believe He hears my prayers. I know, I believe, that He has left me due to how unworthy I am. There's really so much more that I could say, but we'll stop here.
So, new direction to my map. I read on a sexual abuse site that survivors of incest generally feel as I described above because, in theory, if my family doesn't love me enough, who will love me enough to protect me? So, this helps. Then, I am told by someone that I have to learn to be me in all manner of what that means and to not so heavily rely on others to hold me up. That hurt, but I understood the context in which it was intended. Then, someone else tells me, that I have to pray and have faith that God hears me and that if I pray, I believe. That one may be the most profound missing piece. I never had it said that way before. When people tell me I need to believe, I tell them that I try. No one has ever replied with "if you pray, you believe". I have analyzed that statement so thoroughly. This is what I get.
When I am lost, I look inward. This is ok, but my focus tends to go on me. However, when I pray, I am looking inward at the Holy Spirit that resides within me. I am believing what Christ said about leaving a comfortor with me. I am believing that God is always with me. And, if He is always with me, then He HAS to hear my prayers. I know now, in this moment, that I need to look inward at the Holy Spirit and He will provide me with all of the direction, satisfaction and help that I so desparately need. He will, in fact, meet me where I am.
My rainbow in my most recent heartbreak and turmoil, is knowing that I have the ability to believe.
All My Love, Me
Monday, September 26, 2016
Circle of Faith
Where do you start when you can’t determine the beginning?
Well, whether it’s the beginning, middle or end, I am starting. I don’t have a
choice. The decision was made for me. Some would say it was written before I
took my first breath. Though that’s a tough pill for me to swallow. “Now faith
is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews
11:1 KJV
Being a very visual person, meaning I have to see it with my
eyes in order to put it in my head, this thing called faith has always been
extremely hard for me to grasp. You have to believe in what you cannot see,
hear, taste, feel….wow. That’s a lot to ask. Hope is different than faith,
right? Hope is wanting. Faith is believing. Well…here’s a verse that connects
faith to hope… “Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye
pray, believe that ye receive them and ye shall have them.” Mark 11:24 KJV
So, faith is believing that what you hope for and then pray
for, you will receive. Ah, but wait, there’s a catch! A slippery slope to this
new revelation of information. IF IT’S HIS WILL. That’s right. He has to want
to give you your hopes. Doesn’t mean He will. May not be in His divine plan to
give you what you want. This is where I am. I wonder, is this the beginning?
Maybe. Could be the middle (if you go by my age), just another turn of the
wheel. But, what if it’s the end? Well, if it’s the end, does hope matter? The
end is over. Final. Completed. Finished. Not true. What I am learning, is that
faith means to be faithful in knowing that though you are bound within His
will, you have a lot of room and many directions in which to proceed, FORWARD,
always forward, into the next step. We have free will to choose the step we
want to take. You may be stepping away from others, but that happens. You may
be stepping away from a bad situation, make the next step better. You may step
right into a mess, but, you are promised to not walk alone. This is faith.
Taking the next step while not knowing where it will lead but taking it knowing
that you have a companion.
Not a companion you can see. But if you are quiet, still and
open, you can feel and hear your companion. You are not alone. This, this to me
is the faith I hope for and pray for and understand is in His will for me. The
faith to know that though I may be lonely in the human sense, I am never
spiritually alone, ever.
My rainbow in all of this? A sincere heart awakening to
faith.
All my love, Me
Circle of Faith
Where do you start when you can’t determine the beginning?
Well, whether it’s the beginning, middle or end, I am starting. I don’t have a
choice. The decision was made for me. Some would say it was written before I
took my first breath. Though that’s a tough pill for me to swallow. “Now faith
is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews
11:1 KJV
Being a very visual person, meaning I have to see it with my
eyes in order to put it in my head, this thing called faith has always been
extremely hard for me to grasp. You have to believe in what you cannot see,
hear, taste, feel….wow. That’s a lot to ask. Hope is different than faith,
right? Hope is wanting. Faith is believing. Well…here’s a verse that connects
faith to hope… “Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye
pray, believe that ye receive them and ye shall have them.” Mark 11:24 KJV
So, faith is believing that what you hope for and then pray
for, you will receive. Ah, but wait, there’s a catch! A slippery slope to this
new revelation of information. IF IT’S HIS WILL. That’s right. He has to want
to give you your hopes. Doesn’t mean He will. May not be in His divine plan to
give you what you want. This is where I am. I wonder, is this the beginning?
Maybe. Could be the middle (if you go by my age), just another turn of the
wheel. But, what if it’s the end? Well, if it’s the end, does hope matter? The
end is over. Final. Completed. Finished. Not true. What I am learning, is that
faith means to be faithful in knowing that though you are bound within His
will, you have a lot of room and many directions in which to proceed, FORWARD,
always forward, into the next step. We have free will to choose the step we
want to take. You may be stepping away from others, but that happens. You may
be stepping away from a bad situation, make the next step better. You may step
right into a mess, but, you are promised to not walk alone. This is faith.
Taking the next step while not knowing where it will lead but taking it knowing
that you have a companion.
Not a companion you can see. But if you are quiet, still and
open, you can feel and hear your companion. You are not alone. This, this to me
is the faith I hope for and pray for and understand is in His will for me. The
faith to know that though I may be lonely in the human sense, I am never
spiritually alone, ever.
My rainbow in all of this? A sincere heart awakening to
faith.
All my love, Me
Monday, August 29, 2016
Spinning into Control...
Depression has reoccurring symptoms, side affects and triggers. Anxiety, very similar to depression, however, very different as well because the triggers can change without notice, side affects can worsen or change without a request. When you deal with both, well, your head is a constant tornado. Any type of emotional tragedy can send me into an F5 tornado and it can wreak havoc on my life for days. Living at an F2 daily, this is a HUGE increase.
Then there are those times when I am sent into a life altering F6 spin that is all consuming and blocks out all light, only shadows giving an allusion to the light. The year 2014 was a year that brought such a level of emotional devastation. I was blessed with 2 sets of parents, my natural parents that raised me, and my inherited parents that came into my life over 17 years ago. I call them my Indy family and my NC family. I lost 2 of my parents in 2014, one from each family. I am still recovering from this tornado 2 years later. It has wreaked so much havoc in my life that I am still cleaning up the mess. The pain that was, is and will be felt from this is too indescribable to attempt.
I have recently gone through so much emotional pain that I was definitely sent into an F5, very closely bordering an F6. I have fallen into some bad habits of dealing with this pain and rejection. Trying to find ways to numb the pain. Lashing out at someone I love so very much that I can not express enough remorse to this person to make it right. I tried to explain to this person, I will show you 2 hours in an F5 tornado.
"So much to say, none of it matters. I will never remember without pain, but will hopefully smile again one day. I never did fit. I waasn't meant to. I'm stupid, do stupid things to temporarily override the pain, but it always returns. I get confused, was it real for them, no, it couldn't have been. The pain is overwhelming, I can't breathe at times, even when people are watching. More excuses to make, another mask to wear. So much pain to hide, but it never goes far, always returns. Truly want happiness for them, but what's making them happy turns my stomach when I think about all that I know; it was really real, right? Yeah, in this moment, it was real, now I get sick. Clean up, think some more. Pain. It couldn't have been real. I'm an idiot. Numb the pain again. That's better. Until now, the pain returns, I can't breathe."
This was truly just the span of 2 hours during my work day, so yes, there was work going on during all of this and that just adds to the F5's spin. I needed this person. I try not to need anyone like this, on this level. I am pretty good at not needing actually. I want certain people, but not need, not me. But this one, this one was needed. Now I have to decide if I desire to continue in this vortex and allow it to continue consuming me or if I will, oh geez can I, take a deep breath and find my way out. I know what's best. I know what's right. But I also know what I need, and want, but oh wow, what I need.
My rainbow in this turmoil? Well, this tornado has been spinning for awhile now, it peaked last week. But, my rainbow has come in the written words of believers who want nothing more than to help me breathe. Both the person to whom I lashed out and the person that I tried to hide from; they both have used their faith to guide me through the vortex. To Durham, I say thank you for searching for me through my tornado. To the other person, the one that I lashed out at, I want to say thank you for your loving and forgiving heart and all of the lessons that you taught. I tip my hat to you and hope and pray that I can retain those lessons and lean on them when I am in need of a smile. My rainbow tonight is that I accepted the true love of both of these people that God saw fit to put into my life.
All my love, Me
Then there are those times when I am sent into a life altering F6 spin that is all consuming and blocks out all light, only shadows giving an allusion to the light. The year 2014 was a year that brought such a level of emotional devastation. I was blessed with 2 sets of parents, my natural parents that raised me, and my inherited parents that came into my life over 17 years ago. I call them my Indy family and my NC family. I lost 2 of my parents in 2014, one from each family. I am still recovering from this tornado 2 years later. It has wreaked so much havoc in my life that I am still cleaning up the mess. The pain that was, is and will be felt from this is too indescribable to attempt.
I have recently gone through so much emotional pain that I was definitely sent into an F5, very closely bordering an F6. I have fallen into some bad habits of dealing with this pain and rejection. Trying to find ways to numb the pain. Lashing out at someone I love so very much that I can not express enough remorse to this person to make it right. I tried to explain to this person, I will show you 2 hours in an F5 tornado.
"So much to say, none of it matters. I will never remember without pain, but will hopefully smile again one day. I never did fit. I waasn't meant to. I'm stupid, do stupid things to temporarily override the pain, but it always returns. I get confused, was it real for them, no, it couldn't have been. The pain is overwhelming, I can't breathe at times, even when people are watching. More excuses to make, another mask to wear. So much pain to hide, but it never goes far, always returns. Truly want happiness for them, but what's making them happy turns my stomach when I think about all that I know; it was really real, right? Yeah, in this moment, it was real, now I get sick. Clean up, think some more. Pain. It couldn't have been real. I'm an idiot. Numb the pain again. That's better. Until now, the pain returns, I can't breathe."
This was truly just the span of 2 hours during my work day, so yes, there was work going on during all of this and that just adds to the F5's spin. I needed this person. I try not to need anyone like this, on this level. I am pretty good at not needing actually. I want certain people, but not need, not me. But this one, this one was needed. Now I have to decide if I desire to continue in this vortex and allow it to continue consuming me or if I will, oh geez can I, take a deep breath and find my way out. I know what's best. I know what's right. But I also know what I need, and want, but oh wow, what I need.
My rainbow in this turmoil? Well, this tornado has been spinning for awhile now, it peaked last week. But, my rainbow has come in the written words of believers who want nothing more than to help me breathe. Both the person to whom I lashed out and the person that I tried to hide from; they both have used their faith to guide me through the vortex. To Durham, I say thank you for searching for me through my tornado. To the other person, the one that I lashed out at, I want to say thank you for your loving and forgiving heart and all of the lessons that you taught. I tip my hat to you and hope and pray that I can retain those lessons and lean on them when I am in need of a smile. My rainbow tonight is that I accepted the true love of both of these people that God saw fit to put into my life.
All my love, Me
Monday, August 22, 2016
Big Desire, Bigger Blessings
Ever miss someone in your life so much that it hurts when you think about them? I'm sure you have, most of us have lost someone dear to us through death. They will never pick up the phone again when you call. When you visit, they will not be sitting in "their spot" anymore. Your go to person has gone. Personally, I have wished for one more call, one more visit, just one more anything. Well, this can happen through a person no longer being a part of your life but not through death, just through circumstances of life.
This has happened alot to me in life.We moved enough in my childhood that I transferred schools several times. I left my home town and lived in another town without the means to get back "home" very often. Then, I left the state. Then, I left another state. Through all of this, people have come and gone through my life. Some, I have missed. Some, well, maybe not so much. Some, I have hoped and prayed had a better life. Then, there's the ones that I have missed so much it hurts. There are plenty of reasons for the missing and the pain. However, there are those that I have missed so much that I prayed for "just one more". Well, God recently granted one such request.
I made contact with someone that was once considered my sister. I never "really" lost contact, we are friends on facebook! But, we haven't seen each other in about 8 years (give or take) and hadn't spoken since then either. Only a random FB message here and there. But, oh so often in those years that were passing, I had wanted just one more call, one more visit, one more hug. So, one day, totally out of character for me, I reached out to her. We chatted. We texted. Then, we scheduled a visit, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and went by myself because I wasn't sure how it would go. It went pretty great. There have already been 3 more visits, 2 overnight stays and countless texts.
Here's the thing, I initiated this step with this person because they were going through a tough time and I wanted to be there and didn't want any regrets in the future of missed opportunities. But, what has transpired is not only an amazing rekindling of a friendship-sister relationship, but an awakening in me that I have, for a very long time, longed for greatly. I set out to be there for her and I was over whelmed with blessings for myself.
My lesson in this situation? Always do for others selflessly and you will be greatly blessed. My rainbow recently? Finding Me inside of Me that I thought was forever lost. I cannot wait for the next text, the next visit, the next GREAT thing!!
All my love, Me
This has happened alot to me in life.We moved enough in my childhood that I transferred schools several times. I left my home town and lived in another town without the means to get back "home" very often. Then, I left the state. Then, I left another state. Through all of this, people have come and gone through my life. Some, I have missed. Some, well, maybe not so much. Some, I have hoped and prayed had a better life. Then, there's the ones that I have missed so much it hurts. There are plenty of reasons for the missing and the pain. However, there are those that I have missed so much that I prayed for "just one more". Well, God recently granted one such request.
I made contact with someone that was once considered my sister. I never "really" lost contact, we are friends on facebook! But, we haven't seen each other in about 8 years (give or take) and hadn't spoken since then either. Only a random FB message here and there. But, oh so often in those years that were passing, I had wanted just one more call, one more visit, one more hug. So, one day, totally out of character for me, I reached out to her. We chatted. We texted. Then, we scheduled a visit, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and went by myself because I wasn't sure how it would go. It went pretty great. There have already been 3 more visits, 2 overnight stays and countless texts.
Here's the thing, I initiated this step with this person because they were going through a tough time and I wanted to be there and didn't want any regrets in the future of missed opportunities. But, what has transpired is not only an amazing rekindling of a friendship-sister relationship, but an awakening in me that I have, for a very long time, longed for greatly. I set out to be there for her and I was over whelmed with blessings for myself.
My lesson in this situation? Always do for others selflessly and you will be greatly blessed. My rainbow recently? Finding Me inside of Me that I thought was forever lost. I cannot wait for the next text, the next visit, the next GREAT thing!!
All my love, Me
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Internal Cleansing
So, I've been forced to do a lot of thinking lately, no choice. I, like most of us, have been bombarded lately with the newest and greatest fad in dieting, probiotics, cleansing, etc....and this has brought me here tonight. I have had several things said to me lately about how this can be freeing and that can be liberating. I have taken all of these things and internalized them, very deeply and sincerely.
Part of my conclusion, I posted to social media this morning: Will you be ready when you see the end approaching? Are you strong enough to endure the results of your actions?
So, we go and go and go in whatever direction we are following, however, each road comes to an end. You will then be faced with staying there, or turning before you reach the end. When you see the end approaching, you run out of time to turn. You must face what awaits you there. Choosing to continue to the end can have devastating consequences. Once the choice is made, you can not turn around. You have no choice but to see what the results of your actions/choices will be and what those consequences are. You will only have 2 choices when facing the consequences, you fail to survive or you find the strength to get through them to either learn and make better choices or, hopefully not, repeat those same choices.
Sometimes, the internal cleansing we need is deeper than any fad medication/food can reach. It's a heart, mind and soul cleansing that is needed. While in the middle of a situation, your logical self, even your good self, knows that the choices you are making are not the right ones and if others were to know of them, they would be hurt. Here's the problem with this cleansing, knowing in your mind someone might be hurt is so much different than experiencing their pain and disappointment. This is excruiating to endure. You cleanse yourself of your negative actions by bringing the information to the center stage, and the consequences is having to personally experience the imagined pain of others, people that you love and care about dearly. Their words, they hurt. Their tears, rip you up. But, the look of their pain that they wear on their faces, that's excruiating. This is where you need to find more strength than you have ever before experienced. Will you survive the pain? Will you repeat the choices that led you here or will you forever learn from them?
Internal cleansing can be good for the soul, be careful though, you will never be the same. My rainbow in this conclusion? If I survive, I will be stronger than I was yesterday. Strength is appealing. I want that, I need that, I will have that kind of strenth.
All my love, Me.
Part of my conclusion, I posted to social media this morning: Will you be ready when you see the end approaching? Are you strong enough to endure the results of your actions?
So, we go and go and go in whatever direction we are following, however, each road comes to an end. You will then be faced with staying there, or turning before you reach the end. When you see the end approaching, you run out of time to turn. You must face what awaits you there. Choosing to continue to the end can have devastating consequences. Once the choice is made, you can not turn around. You have no choice but to see what the results of your actions/choices will be and what those consequences are. You will only have 2 choices when facing the consequences, you fail to survive or you find the strength to get through them to either learn and make better choices or, hopefully not, repeat those same choices.
Sometimes, the internal cleansing we need is deeper than any fad medication/food can reach. It's a heart, mind and soul cleansing that is needed. While in the middle of a situation, your logical self, even your good self, knows that the choices you are making are not the right ones and if others were to know of them, they would be hurt. Here's the problem with this cleansing, knowing in your mind someone might be hurt is so much different than experiencing their pain and disappointment. This is excruiating to endure. You cleanse yourself of your negative actions by bringing the information to the center stage, and the consequences is having to personally experience the imagined pain of others, people that you love and care about dearly. Their words, they hurt. Their tears, rip you up. But, the look of their pain that they wear on their faces, that's excruiating. This is where you need to find more strength than you have ever before experienced. Will you survive the pain? Will you repeat the choices that led you here or will you forever learn from them?
Internal cleansing can be good for the soul, be careful though, you will never be the same. My rainbow in this conclusion? If I survive, I will be stronger than I was yesterday. Strength is appealing. I want that, I need that, I will have that kind of strenth.
All my love, Me.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Rainbow Moms
I am lost in the dark. Does anyone who does not deal with depression understand that statement? I don't think many do, it's truly hard to explain. But, I want to try to do just that with this entry. I have thought for a bit now that my entry would be one thing, but tonight, it's another. Depression...sucks!
So I am in the middle of fighting my way back up from the depths of my darkness. Overwhelmed with so many negative emotions/situations going on right now in my life. Losing a friend from my daily life to maybe seeing them weekly. Losing a loved one to a move 4 hours away. Finances. Finding out that what I thought was one way, well, it really wasn't that way at all. Worry about my kids and the kind of mother I have been and the mistakes I have made, and still make. These are just a few of the things contributing to my abyss. Then, tonight while I was home for a few moments, I find out about 3 youth suicides this past weekend. One of them extremely close to home. I am devastated, heart broken, taken down by this news.
Then, I call my go to person that I have been avoiding during this light sucking spiral I have been in recently. I start talking, intending to explain, yet again, that I am sorry I haven't called and I have been hiding/avoiding again when out of my heart, head and mouth comes the devastation about the suicides that have occurred. We are discussing this, and I tell this person some information that I haven't before shared. People often think that suicide is selfish, however, in so many cases, the person that is suffering truly believes that they are doing their loved ones a favor by removing themselves and all of their problems from the loved ones lives. Believing that their lives will be so much better and happier when not dealing with the problems of the sufferer. I tell my confidant that I wish there were more understanding from non-sufferers about what we deal with in the darkness.
Then, even more previously unshared information spills out. I explain to them that in some cases, like mine, when we get to the edge of the cliff, while we are thinking and believing that our loved ones will be better off, sometimes those thoughts turn to how our loved ones may actually always hurt over our lost life, how they would suffer more after we're gone rather than less. I then begin to explain some of my life saving moments such as my daddy telling me "Chrissy, if you can smile, you're not dead". About thinking about my kids having to grow up without a mom (there were 2 and they were very young). Then, and most likely the most impressing upon this person, I was explaining to them that when I was younger, I remembered that a friend of theirs had lost a child, not to suicide, but still lost a child to death and how this person was so devastated for this mother and how this person was so broken in expressing how destroyed they would be if they lost one of their own children to death. I do not remember seeing or hearing this kind of pain or expression of love for their children before this time. This truly impacted me and pulled me away from cliff more than one time.
I have been miserable recently, lost in my darkness. Tonight, through dumping my head and heart upon this person, I found my rainbow. My mom. My go to person. My confidant. My brightest rainbow of the day. Thank you mom, for saving my life.
All my love, Me.
So I am in the middle of fighting my way back up from the depths of my darkness. Overwhelmed with so many negative emotions/situations going on right now in my life. Losing a friend from my daily life to maybe seeing them weekly. Losing a loved one to a move 4 hours away. Finances. Finding out that what I thought was one way, well, it really wasn't that way at all. Worry about my kids and the kind of mother I have been and the mistakes I have made, and still make. These are just a few of the things contributing to my abyss. Then, tonight while I was home for a few moments, I find out about 3 youth suicides this past weekend. One of them extremely close to home. I am devastated, heart broken, taken down by this news.
Then, I call my go to person that I have been avoiding during this light sucking spiral I have been in recently. I start talking, intending to explain, yet again, that I am sorry I haven't called and I have been hiding/avoiding again when out of my heart, head and mouth comes the devastation about the suicides that have occurred. We are discussing this, and I tell this person some information that I haven't before shared. People often think that suicide is selfish, however, in so many cases, the person that is suffering truly believes that they are doing their loved ones a favor by removing themselves and all of their problems from the loved ones lives. Believing that their lives will be so much better and happier when not dealing with the problems of the sufferer. I tell my confidant that I wish there were more understanding from non-sufferers about what we deal with in the darkness.
Then, even more previously unshared information spills out. I explain to them that in some cases, like mine, when we get to the edge of the cliff, while we are thinking and believing that our loved ones will be better off, sometimes those thoughts turn to how our loved ones may actually always hurt over our lost life, how they would suffer more after we're gone rather than less. I then begin to explain some of my life saving moments such as my daddy telling me "Chrissy, if you can smile, you're not dead". About thinking about my kids having to grow up without a mom (there were 2 and they were very young). Then, and most likely the most impressing upon this person, I was explaining to them that when I was younger, I remembered that a friend of theirs had lost a child, not to suicide, but still lost a child to death and how this person was so devastated for this mother and how this person was so broken in expressing how destroyed they would be if they lost one of their own children to death. I do not remember seeing or hearing this kind of pain or expression of love for their children before this time. This truly impacted me and pulled me away from cliff more than one time.
I have been miserable recently, lost in my darkness. Tonight, through dumping my head and heart upon this person, I found my rainbow. My mom. My go to person. My confidant. My brightest rainbow of the day. Thank you mom, for saving my life.
All my love, Me.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Upside Down - Inside Out
Do you ever seem to have so many things that are overwhelming and consuming in your head at one time that you physically feel dizzy? I am there....and so very overwhelmed. I have explained to others that at any given time on any given day, that I have 50 to 100 things in my head demanding my attention. For as long as I can remember, I have been this way. I do not understand those that are not good at multi-tasking because I have never been given a choice to be anything else. Most times.
I do not often follow trends, trendy clothing, etc. I am one of "those" people that I am sure will be called eccentric in my later years. I dance to my own beat. On and on with the phrases. But, recently (as in November, thanks MA!) I did fall into an ever growing, still spreading trend. Adult coloring books. I have always liked coloring, it's a favorite past time that I have encouraged in my children. I have, as a mother, always had my own crayons and my own books. But, I just wasn't sure about these adult coloring books...they are really quite different. But, I have fallen in love with this trend. Why? Because they are so busy, so detailed that they require ALL of my attention. I have found that when I am coloring in these books, everything else in my head goes somewhere else. For me, that is a huge break! A generally welcomed break!! Except...now.
My head is so erratic lately. Instead of topping out at a hundred things, it's more like 200 right now. That's too many even for me. I am not sleeping. I am finding my concentration lacking. I am very indecisive. My control is non-existent. Coloring isn't even appealing. I have alot in front of me right now, both professionally and personally. I am losing someone so very close to me. It's a good thing for them, however, as I do not open my heart to many, it is severely breaking as this change is occurring. I have a dream of a lifetime trip coming up, I am going to Ireland. That is huge, overwhelming and consuming. On top of that, I will finally meet someone, who opened my heart over 3 decades ago and has never broken it. That, whoa, that is knocking me off balance for sure.
I have made a few decisions that I know are the best decisions for a million reasons, however, they are each breaking my heart in their own way. My children, well, they aren't children anymore so I am facing what all parents must eventually face, the birds leaving the nest. Oh, I know moms go through this and I know moms that are as close to their children as I am that have survived. But, change. But, leaving. But, my heart. My finances have been, for years, restricted and under sufficient, and I have learned how to juggle them the way a clown does his juggling balls. But, I fear I am beginning a terrifying dissent that will have a tragic outcome if I begin dropping them.
My work is currently overwhelming, even for me. I thrive with deadlines. I am best under pressure. I enjoy being so busy that I am busy. I do not do downtime at work well at all, never have. But, currently, my pie is split into so many pieces that it is truly falling apart before being served. So, I was thinking today. How can I get myself out of this spiral that I woke up to recently? No immediate answers. I have tried all of my normal things. Reaching out to a trusted friend. Hiding. Sleeping. pushing through. But, I came to a decision. Find my rainbow. I have been forgetting to look for them. I have almost convinced myself that I didn't have any readily available and if this was/is true, what on earth would get me back in focus? Even the ocean didn't help today. That's when I got serious.
So, my decision was to dissect each situation that was consuming my head and find a rainbow in each. So, what is the rainbow in losing someone that is moving away? I thought back to this relationship's beginning and came forward to the present. Oh my, so many rainbows. I fell in love with her and her husband. To the core, they are amazing people. They are brilliant, creative, tough, loving, sincere, and oh so many other things. I think about the stories they have shared with me about their lives and so many rainbows come flooding into my heart. A story of love and heart break shared with her resulted in such a loving bandaid being received, I will never forget it. Not only do I have a tangible reminder that I can hold in my hand, but I cannot forget the love I felt in that moment.
My trip and my meeting, there are so many rainbows contained within that so that I do not even have the words to get them all out. So, instead of allowing my anxiety to steal my joy, I have decided to talk to my mom (I will be with her during all of this) and say to her, Mom, give me a rainbow. She will do this, she's good at knowing how to pull me out of my anxiety. My finances, well, that's a bit more challenging. But, I have thought back over the years that I have been on my own and all of the challenges that I have successfully overcome...these are all rainbows. So, I have decided that I will take a deep breath, pray, and take each item one at a time. My decisions that are heart breaking...there are different rainbows in those. Most important for my future is doing the right thing. The other rainbows are in focusing on what is best for others involved that will be affected by my decisions. That usually comes easy to me, however, my heart has become quite selfish and I have decided to remind myself that my heart must do for others before myself.
My children. Well, I cannot and will not hold them back so I have no choice but to seek out the rainbows. There are no drugs. No unwanted/unexpected pregnancies. They are all loving children who care greatly for others. They all know God. They are intelligent. They love me. They make me proud to be a mom. Finally, work. I will do what I have always done, get one thing at a time completed until I get through the list. I will focus on each and my rainbow will come with the completion of a job well done.
But, from where will I pull the strength to focus on these rainbows when I have no focus? That's the best rainbow of all. I will focus on the love that I know is extended to me through the cross. The promise that I am never alone. The hands that are all encompassing. The only one who knows everything thought that overwhelms my head besides myself. This is where my focusing strength will come from, my Lord and Savior that showed His love for me by sacrificing His own life to save mine.
Find your rainbows no matter how overwhelming your life is, then ask your Lord to give you His strength to keep your focus on those rainbows.
All my love, Me.
I do not often follow trends, trendy clothing, etc. I am one of "those" people that I am sure will be called eccentric in my later years. I dance to my own beat. On and on with the phrases. But, recently (as in November, thanks MA!) I did fall into an ever growing, still spreading trend. Adult coloring books. I have always liked coloring, it's a favorite past time that I have encouraged in my children. I have, as a mother, always had my own crayons and my own books. But, I just wasn't sure about these adult coloring books...they are really quite different. But, I have fallen in love with this trend. Why? Because they are so busy, so detailed that they require ALL of my attention. I have found that when I am coloring in these books, everything else in my head goes somewhere else. For me, that is a huge break! A generally welcomed break!! Except...now.
My head is so erratic lately. Instead of topping out at a hundred things, it's more like 200 right now. That's too many even for me. I am not sleeping. I am finding my concentration lacking. I am very indecisive. My control is non-existent. Coloring isn't even appealing. I have alot in front of me right now, both professionally and personally. I am losing someone so very close to me. It's a good thing for them, however, as I do not open my heart to many, it is severely breaking as this change is occurring. I have a dream of a lifetime trip coming up, I am going to Ireland. That is huge, overwhelming and consuming. On top of that, I will finally meet someone, who opened my heart over 3 decades ago and has never broken it. That, whoa, that is knocking me off balance for sure.
I have made a few decisions that I know are the best decisions for a million reasons, however, they are each breaking my heart in their own way. My children, well, they aren't children anymore so I am facing what all parents must eventually face, the birds leaving the nest. Oh, I know moms go through this and I know moms that are as close to their children as I am that have survived. But, change. But, leaving. But, my heart. My finances have been, for years, restricted and under sufficient, and I have learned how to juggle them the way a clown does his juggling balls. But, I fear I am beginning a terrifying dissent that will have a tragic outcome if I begin dropping them.
My work is currently overwhelming, even for me. I thrive with deadlines. I am best under pressure. I enjoy being so busy that I am busy. I do not do downtime at work well at all, never have. But, currently, my pie is split into so many pieces that it is truly falling apart before being served. So, I was thinking today. How can I get myself out of this spiral that I woke up to recently? No immediate answers. I have tried all of my normal things. Reaching out to a trusted friend. Hiding. Sleeping. pushing through. But, I came to a decision. Find my rainbow. I have been forgetting to look for them. I have almost convinced myself that I didn't have any readily available and if this was/is true, what on earth would get me back in focus? Even the ocean didn't help today. That's when I got serious.
So, my decision was to dissect each situation that was consuming my head and find a rainbow in each. So, what is the rainbow in losing someone that is moving away? I thought back to this relationship's beginning and came forward to the present. Oh my, so many rainbows. I fell in love with her and her husband. To the core, they are amazing people. They are brilliant, creative, tough, loving, sincere, and oh so many other things. I think about the stories they have shared with me about their lives and so many rainbows come flooding into my heart. A story of love and heart break shared with her resulted in such a loving bandaid being received, I will never forget it. Not only do I have a tangible reminder that I can hold in my hand, but I cannot forget the love I felt in that moment.
My trip and my meeting, there are so many rainbows contained within that so that I do not even have the words to get them all out. So, instead of allowing my anxiety to steal my joy, I have decided to talk to my mom (I will be with her during all of this) and say to her, Mom, give me a rainbow. She will do this, she's good at knowing how to pull me out of my anxiety. My finances, well, that's a bit more challenging. But, I have thought back over the years that I have been on my own and all of the challenges that I have successfully overcome...these are all rainbows. So, I have decided that I will take a deep breath, pray, and take each item one at a time. My decisions that are heart breaking...there are different rainbows in those. Most important for my future is doing the right thing. The other rainbows are in focusing on what is best for others involved that will be affected by my decisions. That usually comes easy to me, however, my heart has become quite selfish and I have decided to remind myself that my heart must do for others before myself.
My children. Well, I cannot and will not hold them back so I have no choice but to seek out the rainbows. There are no drugs. No unwanted/unexpected pregnancies. They are all loving children who care greatly for others. They all know God. They are intelligent. They love me. They make me proud to be a mom. Finally, work. I will do what I have always done, get one thing at a time completed until I get through the list. I will focus on each and my rainbow will come with the completion of a job well done.
But, from where will I pull the strength to focus on these rainbows when I have no focus? That's the best rainbow of all. I will focus on the love that I know is extended to me through the cross. The promise that I am never alone. The hands that are all encompassing. The only one who knows everything thought that overwhelms my head besides myself. This is where my focusing strength will come from, my Lord and Savior that showed His love for me by sacrificing His own life to save mine.
Find your rainbows no matter how overwhelming your life is, then ask your Lord to give you His strength to keep your focus on those rainbows.
All my love, Me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Great Life Moments
When thinking about great moments of one's life, most people would relate to a marriage, birth of a child, completing high school or college, a prestigious career, etc. But I say, there are much greater things in life. I was thinking about this tonight (I will get to those details soon) when I read, again, a story posted on Facebook about a taxi driver and an experience of a cab fare that affected this driver greatly. The statement is made in this story that "we are conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one". This statement is so very true and affecting.
I had a friend pass from this earth and the gathering of friends, family & loved ones was tonight. With my social anxiety, I knew I could only either go to the final services or the gathering, so I chose the gathering. I had to go alone, my normal chauffeurs (or my babysitters as I call them), had to work or couldn't otherwise get to me. So, of course going was causing me anxiety, the loss was causing me anxiety and then going alone topped it off! But, I went, I had to, no choice. By forcing myself to go and be there to show my love and support to my friends, I was presented with a great moment (or two).
First, a friend came in just behind me with her husband. While we were in line, we found that we both were under great anxiety and for quite similar reasons. We used humor to assist us, another "in common" thing we discovered, though not necessarily appropriate humor...my friend said we were "snarky", I think I like that description. So, here we are in the line to speak to the family, being snarky, and now it's my turn to speak to my friend, the husband of my friend that departed. I was terrified (guilt ridden for the space of time since I last saw this friend) of my being there. I was again presented with a great moment. I hugged him (I stretched, he bent as my height is often a challenge), tight, and he spoke to me words I will not forget (some I will not share) but he said "we will make it". He was so right. The strength and love in this family is truly amazing and unbelievably strong, stronger than gorilla glue! They will most certainly make it. This is my greatest moment of the night...in his pain, without knowing it, he gave me strength through those words. It resonated with me, so very loudly. "We will make it".
We will make it. Not a question. No confusion to be cleared up. No frills. Nothing overly dramatic. Just simple and straight to the point. We will make it. And we will, all of us. It's a promise given to us in the Bible. No matter the struggle that one faces, through the rainbows we are given in our lives, we will make it. We have no choice. There's going to be a tomorrow, whether here on earth or not, there will be a tomorrow and we will make it.
My greatest rainbow today, words spoken from the heart that uplifted my heart. All my love, Me.
I had a friend pass from this earth and the gathering of friends, family & loved ones was tonight. With my social anxiety, I knew I could only either go to the final services or the gathering, so I chose the gathering. I had to go alone, my normal chauffeurs (or my babysitters as I call them), had to work or couldn't otherwise get to me. So, of course going was causing me anxiety, the loss was causing me anxiety and then going alone topped it off! But, I went, I had to, no choice. By forcing myself to go and be there to show my love and support to my friends, I was presented with a great moment (or two).
First, a friend came in just behind me with her husband. While we were in line, we found that we both were under great anxiety and for quite similar reasons. We used humor to assist us, another "in common" thing we discovered, though not necessarily appropriate humor...my friend said we were "snarky", I think I like that description. So, here we are in the line to speak to the family, being snarky, and now it's my turn to speak to my friend, the husband of my friend that departed. I was terrified (guilt ridden for the space of time since I last saw this friend) of my being there. I was again presented with a great moment. I hugged him (I stretched, he bent as my height is often a challenge), tight, and he spoke to me words I will not forget (some I will not share) but he said "we will make it". He was so right. The strength and love in this family is truly amazing and unbelievably strong, stronger than gorilla glue! They will most certainly make it. This is my greatest moment of the night...in his pain, without knowing it, he gave me strength through those words. It resonated with me, so very loudly. "We will make it".
We will make it. Not a question. No confusion to be cleared up. No frills. Nothing overly dramatic. Just simple and straight to the point. We will make it. And we will, all of us. It's a promise given to us in the Bible. No matter the struggle that one faces, through the rainbows we are given in our lives, we will make it. We have no choice. There's going to be a tomorrow, whether here on earth or not, there will be a tomorrow and we will make it.
My greatest rainbow today, words spoken from the heart that uplifted my heart. All my love, Me.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Yourself, Described by Others
So, a few days ago someone called me something that didn't set well with me. It was not a derogatory word, but it caused me to wonder if this is the only way that person saw me or if there was something with more substance they would choose to describe me. This turned around in my head for several days until I subjected myself to an anxiety creating test. I publicly requested those that know me to use one word to describe me. I was terrified of the responses as I feared they would use words that I use to describe myself. I was blown away, truly, by the responses.
I received: loving; loyal; kind; empathetic; trustworthy; strong; stubborn; obstinate; layered; loving; selfless giving.
These are not words that I would normally use to describe myself. They are however, words that I would want to be used to describe me. Words that I would want to live up to for others. But surprisingly, the word, or words like it, that started all of this was not once used when others were confined to just one word. That made me feel really good about myself, until I started thinking (yes, too much thinking messes things up). So then I started thinking, do I handle everyone I meet and/or come in contact with on the level that I handle those that I allow to get close to me? I don't believe that I do, I am pretty certain that I, in fact, do not handle all this way and this is why people who are not close to me would describe me as a snob, stuck up, unapproachable and rough in my speech and tone.
This is not how I want people to think about me. I have tried during the time that has passed since my tortuous test to be a bit more open with others with my deep hearted traits rather than the negative, first impression descriptions. I do not want to have others think that I am less than those words mentioned by others. I want to surpass those words to the next level. I want to be that good of a person. So, my rainbow in my test was seeing what others truly thought of me and not what I feared they would think.
However, my biggest rainbow in all of this has become a new found desire to step out of my rough, secure exterior and allow others that may not know me so well to see the more internal self sooner than I generally allow it. This desire has become greater than my social awkwardness and anxiety. This is my real rainbow, stepping out of my anxiety driven seclusion into a world unknown to me.
All my love, Me
I received: loving; loyal; kind; empathetic; trustworthy; strong; stubborn; obstinate; layered; loving; selfless giving.
These are not words that I would normally use to describe myself. They are however, words that I would want to be used to describe me. Words that I would want to live up to for others. But surprisingly, the word, or words like it, that started all of this was not once used when others were confined to just one word. That made me feel really good about myself, until I started thinking (yes, too much thinking messes things up). So then I started thinking, do I handle everyone I meet and/or come in contact with on the level that I handle those that I allow to get close to me? I don't believe that I do, I am pretty certain that I, in fact, do not handle all this way and this is why people who are not close to me would describe me as a snob, stuck up, unapproachable and rough in my speech and tone.
This is not how I want people to think about me. I have tried during the time that has passed since my tortuous test to be a bit more open with others with my deep hearted traits rather than the negative, first impression descriptions. I do not want to have others think that I am less than those words mentioned by others. I want to surpass those words to the next level. I want to be that good of a person. So, my rainbow in my test was seeing what others truly thought of me and not what I feared they would think.
However, my biggest rainbow in all of this has become a new found desire to step out of my rough, secure exterior and allow others that may not know me so well to see the more internal self sooner than I generally allow it. This desire has become greater than my social awkwardness and anxiety. This is my real rainbow, stepping out of my anxiety driven seclusion into a world unknown to me.
All my love, Me
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