When Nothing is Best

For the first time in 16 years, I did not spend today remembering the heart breaking events of this day, 2001. Don't get upset yet, I remembered, it's just that 9.11.01 was not my primary focus today. With years past, the events of that U.S. tragedy consumed most of my day. I've attended events, watched them online and on television. Discussed that day with others. Sat quietly at memorials. But today, that's not what happened.

Today, I experienced a different kind of tragedy. Why, as a victim of mental illness, must I always feel everything so very deeply? Why do I feel the words that have not yet been spoken? Why do I understand the feelings not yet voiced out loud? Most importantly, why do I let myself willingly step in to places that I know will be the destruction of something that once was amazingly beautiful?

Yet, this is precisely what I did. I convinced myself that something was better than nothing. I was certain that 10 minutes of anything would be better than a lifetime without. Once again, I was tragically wrong. I wish I could take those 10 minutes back. I don't think I regret my decision, but the reality of that decision has devastated my heart.

I'm trying though, to hold on to my decisions of late, and look for something positive that has come out of today. I think to myself that I am, once again, lost and alone. I go to the ocean which is in a turbulent state due to an imposing storm. The conditions fit my mood and my heart. I cry. It helps. Then I get an unexpected text, seemingly to check up on me. I smile. It disappears. It was a selfish text, as are most from this person. I go back to the ocean. I walk the beach. I feel better. I head home.

I take a nap. Enjoy dinner with most of my family. Watch football. I have rainbows today despite the tragic condition of my heart.

Sometimes, nothing is best. Sometimes, nothing is exactly what is needed.

My rainbow today, family, football and naps.

All my love, Me.

Speak Love

How many ways does mental health affect our lives? If you do not deal with depression, anxiety, MPD, Bipolar, and any number of other "negative" types of mental health, the affect upon your life is generally a positive outlook, seeing rainbows in spite of the darkness. You most likely glide through difficult life moments with a good nature and a smile.

However, if you have any of the before mentioned "stigmas", then there are likely a thousand ways in which they affect your daily living. When I wake up in the mornings, I often have to talk myself into getting out of bed. I don't want to face the day and all that might appear. That's depression helping me. I've already mentally organized my day a million times starting the day before. So, when something not on the list happens, anxiety steps in to assist. Simple things, maybe the dogs want to go out early and other things have to happen after. Well, simple as it may well be, now my day seems to be spiraling out of control quicker than I can complete a thought.

Things like this occur everyday, all throughout the day for me. I have learned a lot of tricks to get through these events. Deep breaths, counting, nature, call someone. However, at the end of the day and the end of every attack, there's always one thing that holds me together as I get through the day. Love. Unconditional. Nonjudgmental. Love is stronger than any hand, word, emotion that I could possibly think of and there's not near enough of it in our daily lives.

Please, whom ever you care for, however much or little, let them know daily that they are loved. Let them know that the lack of their presence would impact your life. Let them never wonder how you feel about them.

My rainbow recently, my friend who has only loved me and expected nothing else from me. I cannot repay that except to say that I love you.

All My Love, Me

Choose Your Words....with Compassion

So, I am a very literal person. This means a lot of different things, I have a larger vocabulary than you might think, I analyze more than most, then I over analyze. Today has been one of those days. So, my word of the day became "OBLIGATION". Let's define this word before we go any further.

Per Google:

ob·li·ga·tion  ˌäbləˈɡāSH(ə)n/  noun

noun: obligation; plural noun: obligations

an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment.

"he has enough cash to meet his present obligations"

synonyms:

duty, commitment, responsibility, moral imperative; More function, task, job, assignment, commission, burden, charge, onus, liability, accountability, requirement, debt; literarytrust "no obligation may be placed upon you without your consent" compulsion, duty, indebtedness; duress, necessity, pressure, constraint "he felt an obligation to tip well"

• the condition of being morally or legally bound to do something.

  "they are under no obligation to stick to the scheme"
• a debt of gratitude for a service or favor.

  "she didn't want to be under an obligation to him"

 

So, given the above definition and explanation, I want to discuss depression. While in an extremely dark place recently, I sent a text to someone, truly not expecting a response. However, I did receive a response and the combination of the conversation with this person and some personal insight, I came once again through the darkness that threatened to consume me.

 

Fast forward about a week afterwards and I arrange to see this person, specifically to say thank you but also just because this person means so much to me. So, this person sees me, lets me say thank you but then throws a cinder block at my face. I can't reach out to this person any longer I'm told. Though I have expressed that I wasn't reaching out with my text. Ok, that's enough, right? No. Then I am told that they only reason they responded and helped me was because they were obligated to do so.

 

WHOA! What?!? I have only ever allowed myself to reach out to 2 people at my darkest times throughout my life. This was one of them. I was just told they were obligated to help me! I don't know that I have ever been so hurt in my entire life, and that's saying a lot! Someone who is literal becomes devastated to bother anyone, but to be an obligation? Then, mental illness makes one paralyzed to letting others see your real self and you always feel yourself to be a burden. I am so glad this person did not choose my darkness to reveal that I was such a burden to them and waited until I was in the light again before doing so. However, should you ever say that to anyone, let alone someone with any mental illness?

 

Think about it this way, a parent tells a child that they are obligated to take care of, clothe, feed and love said child because they are obligated to do so. Imagine the damage done to that child! This is what has been done to me.

 

Please, always use compassion with your words, especially if dealing with someone who suffers with mental or emotional illnesses or weaknesses. You do not know the depth of or the permanent nature of damage your words may cause.

 

My rainbow today....my mom and my oldest daughter.  Thank you both for your insights, love and compassion given to me today.

 

All my love, ME.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Choose Your Focus

I have been in a state that should have my anxiety and depression at it's worse. It's bad, but it hasn't become devastating. I sit today and evaluate why that is so I can try to build on it for the future.

It's a mind set thing, ultimately, is the conclusion that I have come to today. I decided to focus my attention on this tiny little four legged creature that came into my life and simply needed. I chose to make her the priority of my days. She's thriving now and it's a beautiful thing to see.

During her growth into her independence, I decided to keep my focus positively focused. It has worked! I have managed to get my house in a great place. I have taken to Bible studies in a new and different way which has kept my interest. I have begun a new blog to get some deep troubling and consuming emotions out of my head. I have decided to reverse my view of those things in my head.

They are there. They will always be there. I can let them cause sadness and pain or I can allow myself to remember their happiness and love. I choose happiness and love. Each interaction that we have affects our lives not only at the time of the interaction but long afterwards. We can choose to focus on whatever negative may have come from these interactions or we can choose to remember and focus on the positive from them.

I have been lost due to having lost someone so very important in my life for quite awhile now. I was consumed by the loss and all that meant. I finally felt truly loved for who I am and despite my problems. I truly and deeply loved this person in return. However, I can no longer focus on what's missing. So, I choose to focus on the good that has come from this interaction and there's so much good!!

I have been lost due to having lost a 12 year job and all that went with that. It's been consuming in a very negative way. But, I learned a lot during my time there. I choose to focus on those things.

My rainbow during this...my right to choose how I see and focus on my interactions.

All my love, Me

Reconstructing a Human

I've never been in construction, I can't even fathom attempting to  be. There's so much math and technical stuff one has to learn. Fractions are huge in construction. Knowledge of angles, edges, spaces....all too much for my feeble understanding of one plus one equals two.

However, I find myself in construction currently. I am having to rebuild me. This is such a daunting task that has been put in front of me. I have known for a few years now that my last employment situation had been changing me. I have become more cynical of people. Cynicism replacing love. Making bad decisions. Flesh replacing Spirit. I've always had a hard time to focus on the positive, having to seek out for the smiles. But, over the last few years, it's become nearly impossible.

I have made some decisions that I have not been happy with, taken some directions that have led me down the wrong path. I am so far away from where I once was, away from the person that was working so diligently to better herself and her life and her views. I used to question why on earth I was put in that job and I would say, it is to share my light and love with all the dark and negative running rampant through that place. Well, somewhere along the way, the dark invaded and consumed my light and the negative smothered out my love. This is NOT who I want to be any longer. I had started taking baby steps towards making some of the necessary changes, however, no leaps. Until I lost my job. I instantly knew that it was time to move on and since I couldn't do it on my own, it was done for me.

I have been diligently looking for work yet the darkness of my self worth has kept me from doing much else. I realized that I can't do this, I have to fight through the negative in a way I've never had to fight before. I am now convinced that I deserve better. I want better and I will obtain better. This will take a lot of painful rebuilding. What have I done wrong that I need to right? What steps have I fallen down that I now need to climb up? I will conquer this mountain and when I reach the top, I will celebrate!

I may have never done any construction, but I will build a masterpiece that my Father will be proud of one day. I will continue to improve until my last breath. I will find peace in this journey. My rainbow in all of this? Being shown the strength deep within myself that I had no idea existed.

All my love, Me

Your Transparency - My Shattered Future

I have seen and heard words like transparency, honesty, open book, no secrets and many others thrown around a lot lately. By politicians, spiritual leaders, mentors, counselors and just regular every day Joes.
I myself tend to see honesty as black and white, no gray. However, I have come to recently realize that there are degrees to honesty. Levels of sharing honesty with others. You may well tell someone that you had an affair of the heart and while this is honest, is it complete transparency? Did you tell this someone that there was physical actions that went along with this affair of the heart? Did you express the words that were exchanged with this other person? Did you open your heart and let it all flow out to be seen completely and without shadow?

I have also come to realize that while we may share a portion of our truth with others, we also tend to hold on to some of this truth for ourselves. This could be for several reasons. One, maybe we haven't fully confronted to ourselves what the entire truth of a situation may be. With the previous situation mentioned. What if, the other party to the affair of the heart truly didn't acknowledge their own feelings until the affair had come to an end. What then would be the point in full transparency to the other person, let alone anyone else? Wouldn't you save the most painful realizations of this truth from the light of day? Save yourself additional pain?

As I have typed here today, there are not only levels of honesty, there are different views about sharing honestly and in full. Your transparency may not be very transparent to another. On the other side of that, you may well think you are protecting yourself by saving some painful truths from coming to light, however, in reality, you may well be damaging your potential future. You may be making decisions, taking actions that could later prevent any future light from entering into your heart. By protecting yourself you may well be damaging another.

Here's what I have drawn from my recent observations. We that are damaged (I would say all of us) by broken hearts, broken spirit, mental illness etc, are creatures of self preservation. We learn methods of covering our pain, hiding it or just blatantly burying it deep within ourselves. These methods are not necessarily healthy or the best way to cope. They certainly rear their ugly heads with dire consequences at the most uncomfortable times in our lives. Self reflection, for the truly non-evil members of society will be devastating at times. We should always weigh our self reflection and the actions that we may take or the words that we may speak against how it will affect others. Will your transparency be full and allow a full explanation of your actions to ALL affected or will it only benefit yourself and the one(s) in which you want to appear transparent? How will your self reflection positively affect others? Will it in fact be beneficial in showing triumph over trial or will it only be minutely transparent, just enough to admit fault and failure in order to show your triumph?

Self reflection should be deep and life changing as necessary. However, fixing yourself, or bettering yourself should not ever be at the cost of another, especially if that other person will be left behind alone to clean up your destruction of their heart, self worth and genuine love. You should evaluate every angle that makes up your picture before deciding what your truth is and just how much of it you desire to share. You should be prepared to face and accept all consequences of your actions, not just the ones you decide are important enough to face. Otherwise, you may well crack the mirror of others just enough to cause it to finally shatter into an irreparable state.

My rainbow, be first true to yourself and evaluate how to reflect that truth in it's entirety to others with the least amount of permanent damage left behind.

All my love, Me

My Friend, Time

Time is a very curious thing. I had been hoping for time to find a new job as I saw my then current job diminishing. Nope, time had other plans. I lost the job first. Then I became quickly consumed with time running out before I could find another job. Time has now become an enemy.

Yet, in the middle of all of this, time has brought back to me a precious gift. A friend, from some time ago, that knew I would allow my mind to consume me and needed an escape. An escape into a situation where time was no longer in control. This worked. Time has given me enough space to get out of my head, relax, focus and prioritize so that as I venture back into facing time again, I can do so in a much more productive manner.

But, time, in all it's wisdom and history, has so many good and bad qualities that we have no choice but to take notice of time. I was sitting in my new found peace when I heard my daddy's song come on and I enjoyed it, for the first time since losing daddy, without tears. Time has allowed me to remember without pain. Time has become my friend. Though, through this current situation that I find myself in, I find that time has also become my enemy. After so many years invested in my job (12 1/2), I have, without initiation or provocation, heard from only 3 people from that job. I had so many people in my work life that said all manner of "you're my friend" statements to me, yet, now I am gone and those times, it seems, have been forgotten.

Time, depending upon our perspective, can be a wonderful giver or a torturous taker. I am, by mechanics, typically a negative first thinker. However, I have come to a new understanding of time that has, in this mess that is currently my life, become my rainbow. Time to remember without tears. Time to realize when to move on and forward. Time to reflect upon the people in my life and their role within it. Time to acknowledge my worth to myself when no one is listening or looking. Time to see the line of survival that has been in front of me for many years, even when I think I do not fit into this person's life. Time to notice what family and love means when it's presented without ribbons and pretty packaging. Anne, you have been my survival line and family with true, unbiased love for a very long TIME, thank you.

My rainbow, TIME, in all of it's many facets, colors, good and bad. Time has shown me those things which I could not see on my own.

All my love, Me

Growing Yourself and Others

I believe we humans, in many, many ways, are nothing more complicated than plants. Though, this comparison alone brings to the mind all of the manner in which plants can be and are quite complicated. First, let’s look at the simple ways in which humans are like plants. Put yourself next to an apple tree. Both started from a seed. Seed was cultivated. Seed started growing due to the surroundings. Seed blossomed. Throughout it’s life to this point in time, that seed has become what it is through lessons learned, someone’s love and care, life sustaining essentials. All sounds pretty simplistic.

Now, complications can be seen when you begin dissecting all things that took that seed into what it has become. First, the seed needed to be cared for in order to blossom. This took love, patience, and attention to be given by an outside source requiring the seed to be dependent upon this source. The blossomed seed now begins learning. The more love, patience etc that the blossom receives, the more trusting it becomes, making it more and more dependent upon the giving source. However, there are times when that source is no longer available. This hurts the blossom and teaches the downfall to being dependent upon another. The blossom shows this hurt by wilting, not producing it's own seed or not nurturing the existing seed(s). 

Throughout the life of this blossom, lessons are learned about love, dependency, nourishment, stability, and resiliency. Self sufficiency is a tough lesson that is only taught through pain, negligence, suffering and heart ache. But, these are all lessons learned from the time that the seed is planted and throughout the life of the Apple tree.

The same is true of humans.  We are a product of everything that is poured into us from the time of conception throughout our lives. Some of these things are good and positive, some, not so much. With the lessons that I have had taught to me throughout my 43 years, focusing on the bad right now, I learned that I am unworthy, undesirable, less than good, I could go on but it becomes tedious. But, I have also been blessed with good things (and people) being poured into me, when I allow it. Here's the thing though, I don't depend upon any one person or thing. It's already known that I will be let down. So, when I have become dependent upon someone, I tend to suffocate them through my learning. I want to know every tiny, minute detail about what makes them tick. Especially, I am devouring everything I can about how they find their happiness, how they stay in the light, how they decide that they are good, worthy, desirable, etc. I devour this information and store it and draw off of it over and over and over in order to improve these things about myself. 

This is especially true regarding faith and how God feels about and see me. I crave learning from others so strong in their faith that they can allow that faith to lead them through the smallest and into the greatest areas of their lives. I don't know how to do this and I crave learning how to submit to travelling through the rest of my life by being led by someone who could love me so very much. I have found such a dependable source but my access to them is so very limited and threatened. I am, unfortunately, very independently co-dependent. I know how to learn, but I do not know how to step into the unknown part of learning on my own. I need direction and I need direction from someone who has not only the knowledge of this subject, but the confidence of having this knowledge. 

So, to those who has the knowledge, love, patience etc that others need in order to grow, don't give up and walk away, look for a way to teach what you know so that the plants you are given do not have stunted growth. My rainbow in all of this craziness? I am still a planted seed that has blossomed and continues to grow. I can't see tomorrow but I can say that tomorrow, I will have grown to be more than I am today.

All my love, Me