ME: I WANNA BE ME!

How many parts do you have? Yes, this is a ambiguous question. Medically, someone knows this answer. But, I mean, role/personality wise. Let me start...

When we're born, we are someone's child. So, we are a son or a daughter. We behave a certain way for and with our parents. If we are fortunate, we have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. We are another role with each of them and we likely behave differently in each role.

As we grow, we enter school. Now we are someone's student. Another role, another behavior. If we are brought up in a religious home, we have yet another role and another behavior. Our culture often dictates a certain behavior with certain roles. SO, now you have an understanding of my original question. Now, let's dig into me...

I have so many roles and they each have different behaviors. This is so very troubling to me so very often. I have the role of daughter, but since I have 2 families, I have 2 behaviors for this role. Also, each parent required a different behavior for this role (that's 4 if you're keeping score) so I currently have 2 behaviors for my daughter role. I'm a mom...that's a huge role!! Well, I have 4 children and anyone with children (no, not child), knows that your behaviors are a bit different for each child. So, y'all, I'm up to 2 roles and 8 behaviors! I'm a sister. I was raised with 1 sister and 1 brother...1 older and 1 younger. Another role, 2 more behaviors. I also have siblings that I was not raised with...that's 9 more siblings, 9 more behaviors! I also have cousins, aunts, uncles etc. Now, this is my family role. My personal and professional roles are even more. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am an employee and a coworker. I am a Christian, a neighbor, a colleague. I am a sister in law, niece, etc... These roles all have different behaviors. I have always wanted that one person that I can be ME with and not have to worry about roles and behaviors. I've always wanted a friend or a significant other who saw me in all my roles and behaviors and say, it's ok, just breathe. I color but believe it or not, while some people are supportive, others have some harsh criticisms.

I write, some read them and have good feedback, others tell me what a negative thing I've said or written or have some other thing to say to let me know that I shouldn't write what's in my head and put it out in public. I like to decorate for holidays. Not just for my kids, who are now grown now. BUT FOR ME! I like what I like. But, here's my biggest role and behavior....take notes now y'all.

I. DO. FOR. OTHERS. This is who I am at my deepest core. If someone doesn't like my hair that way, I don't wear it that way. If someone says that shirt makes me look.....I get rid of the shirt. If someone says I sound too snobby rather than intelligent, I dumb myself down. If my decorations are silly, I don't do them, for years. I want to be able to be me. I want to do away with this role and these behaviors. I. WANT. TO. BE. ME. But this is the hardest role to edit and make changes to and behavior modification is almost impossible. But, I've decided to be me and just hope and pray that the right people accept me as I am and as I choose to be.

My rainbow in this rant? I just literally met an amazing woman while writing this and I was, ME!

All my love, Me

Staying Focused

Lately, I've been turning my wheels too vigorously. I think I forgot, maybe only lost sight of a plan that I put into place almost a decade ago. I had 4 wheels turning in different directions and at different RPMs. This is most certainly a recipe for disaster! Luckily I had an abrupt stop but I did not crash nor burn!

I had started settling again. Just plain ole acceptance of position. This was affecting me professionally as well as personally. But, I have had some serious and great changes that have put me back to rights, so to speak. I have a job that I enjoy with minimal issues that are negative to my well being. I no longer have to take my work with me. I am able to get done what needs done and the stress of the office stays at the office. I enjoy the environment for the most part, it's much more relaxed that I am used to having so that's nice. Not only do I not feel unappreciated, but most days I get to experience instant appreciation!

I have a pretty intense personal situation that has long needed some resolution. I believe that time is nearing and I cannot deny that I am a bit excited about that, though with resolution will also come some negative weight. But I believe it will all be a wash once completed. I have another personal situation that I have had way too many questions about that I have obtained answers for and it's a blessing to have received those answers without heart ache. It's just finished. That's a positive.

We've had a pretty devastating natural disaster in our area but I'm fortunate enough to say that I escaped with very minimal impact personally. I do, unfortunately, have loved ones that were more impacted and it's heart breaking. The impact for some will be felt and dealt with for years to come. I hope and pray for continued blessings for these folks daily.

Things have been rough lately but I am desperately trying to focus and hold on to the rainbows. Time alone. Ability to venture out alone. Increasing positive people and situations being brought into my life allowing me to see through my clouds.

Hang in there you, it's worth it!
All my love, Me

History Rewritten

Do you know what you want? I’m at a cross roads with this question right now. I know what I want. But, I knew what I wanted before. I was on the path that would have led me there. A very long time ago, I was going after what I wanted. I was achieving goals that I had thought were unattainable. I was becoming sure and proud of myself. I felt strong. I had a handle on my mental health. I was a focused mom. I went back to school. I was on my way!

Do you know what’s happened to you? Well, they say hind sight is 20/20, however, they do not also tell you that this perfect vision not only comes at a price but that it will likely be painful to view. This is where I am right now with my vision. I can see very clearly what happened to derail me all those years ago. It has happened before. A repeat of circumstances. I worked really hard the last time I came to this very similar fork in the road. I made promises to myself. I sought out what type of warning signs I could watch for and be weary of. I made a note of things to avoid, behaviors to pay attention to and stay away from.  But, in the end, here I am again, I have repeated my past. I have again become stuck!

Do you want to keep living this way? NO! I absolutely do not want to keep living like this and repeating my past over and over. I want a new future. I want everything that I have not yet crossed off of my list. I want to get back on the path that will lead me to the goals that I have so desired. I’ve taken some progressive steps towards these goals. I have made some positive changes within myself to better protect my future self from repeating these negative issues from my past. I have chosen to take further action in my life so that 5 or 10 years from now, when I once again receive my hind sight of perfect vision, I will not again see a repeat of my past and find myself at this all too familiar fork in the road.

But, instead my perfect vision will reflect the strength and courage that I exhibited in order to proceed to the next bend in the road. I want my vision to show me and others that it is more than just possible to change my unwritten destiny. I can break the negative lines of my ancestors and begin a new and positive picture for my future lineage to continue.

Your Comfort is Important

Have you ever been violated? Do you understand what that means? Have you ever violated someone? Are you certain? Sometimes, you can be violated in your daily life. Generally speaking, when most people think about being violated the really overt forms to come their minds. Rape. Blatant molestation. Groping. Unwanted remarks.

I have been subjected to many forms of this violation since the age of 5 by the hands of many. Without question, one over hearing or looking in at the situation would know that a violation was taking place. But, there are other forms of being violated. Please, eliminate these actions from your life if you do them or remove people from your life if you are receiving them.

Have you been watched while showering? Even if by your significant other but uninvited? Does this make you uncomfortable? Have you expressed that just to have it done again? This is a violation. What about when you're getting dressed? Same thing here, if you requested that it not be done yet it continues, this is a violation.  Does someone in your life grab you in private areas of your body, daily, no matter who's around? This is a violation.

Words, too can be a daily violation. If you are uncomfortable with the conversation or even just certain words, and you've requested it to be ended yet it continues, this is a violation. Does your skin ever crawl at someone's touch? Close your eyes to avoid seeing something or someone and hide in your head? Ever been in the presence of someone and just counted the moments until you could remove yourself? Has the presence of someone ever made you feel trapped, suffocated?

These are a few examples of how someone can violate you. If you are uncomfortable, you have the right to defend that feeling and have it ended immediately. No one has the right to continue to put you in situations in which you feel uncomfortable. Stand up for yourself. Stay in positive situations and end the negative ones.

My rainbow in this...to know I'm worth being comfortable in my situations.

All my love, Me

Become the Positive

There's so much negativity in my daily life and throughout my past. This negativity has become part of me, how I live and what I believe. I'm not worth much I believe. I'm not very smart. I'm too overweight. I'm very plain, maybe even ugly. I'm not funny. I'm too sensitive. Etc...and so it goes.

I want this to change. I want positive to become second nature in my daily living. I want to see myself the way someone sees me when they compliment my smile. I want to know that I'm as smart as someone tells me I am. I want to be...enough. But, I don't believe I deserve these things that I so desire.

I've lost someone whom I love so very dearly and always will. Yet, I often wonder, do they know how much they meant to me? Could it be possible that they loved me as much as I love them? I don't want this trend to continue. When someone passes, I want to KNOW that they truly believed the things about me that they said. That they knew how much I loved them. I want to KNOW how they felt about me without all of this doubt clouding all the positive emotions.

Finally, some reprieve in all of this daily negative. Someone cared enough to ask. Someone believed enough to prove. Someone saw something worth looking deeper. Someone thought I was....enough.

My rainbow today has been the focus that I have given to the recently given positive in so many ways, on so many levels by someone who is a positive influence.

Look for the positive. Believe the positive. Live the positive. Become the positive.

All My Love,  Me.

Tiny Glimpses of Rainbows

I haven't seen very many rainbows lately. Truth? I haven't been focused on finding them. So, I finally got work, though it's only part time and seasonal. Pay is half of what I am used to making. Then, the first real week I'm scheduled, a snow and ice storm shut down all the towns around me for days. So, I didn't focus on the rainbow of having a job. My finances have been depleted. I haven't been able to run away to the beach, Greensboro or Durham as often as I have become accustomed to doing. So, I haven't focused on the rainbow of getting to go when I do, but on the dark of not going as often as I desire.


Instead of focusing on the rainbow of having made it to church Wednesday evening, I focused on my failure to make it to the sanctuary. Rather than seeing the rainbow of Sunday lunch with Dad, I focused on his declining health and rapid aging. I haven't been able to reach out to my friends so I see that failure rather than the rainbow of having true friends. Then, all emotional hell breaks loose! Where's my daddy when I miss him? Why can't I talk to mama anymore? When will I get to see my mom and siblings again? How do I help my children, each with their separate situations? How do I envision my future when I cannot see past this moment in time?


I started gaining focus. I started looking for rainbows. I started planning. I stepped out and made it to Durham. I reached out to Greensboro. Then, I'm set aside, again. I'm not the future anymore. I'm not even the present. I can't even discuss the situation as it's now become taboo. I can't breath and feel as though I'm drowning. How do I even think about looking for rainbows now? The pain is too deep. The scars from before have been sliced open and left to bleed. So...I turn to thinking. Which, for me, can be a dangerous line to step up to as I often fall deep into the darkness. But...my thinking has produced rainbows!


My children choose to have lunch with me. I enjoy my job/coworkers. Though finances are non-existent right now, we haven't lost anything. My rainbows...the small things that are so very often over looked when we are faced with trials, heart break and depression.