You Choose What's Beautiful

I'm going to begin with an excerpt of a poem by Maggie Smith titled "Good Bones"

"The world is at least fifty percent terrible, and that's a conservative estimate, though I keep that from my children.  For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird. For every loved child, a child broken, bagged and sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world is at least half terrible, and for every kind stranger, there is one who would break you, though I keep that from my children. I am trying to sell them the world. Any decent realtor, walking you through a real shithole, chirps on about good bones: This place could be beautiful, right? You could make this place beautiful."

That last statement, "You could make this place beautiful" really struck me today when I heard it. I've often said you can find inspiration in anything, anywhere through anyone and in any situation. This poem was read (in part) on "Madam Secretary"....a series that was on TV and is currently my hidden pleasure. Anyway, what I heard so much louder than anything else was that last line.

It's so very true. Perspective is the controlling factor in every thing we think, say, do, feel, see and pass on to others. I have been very reflective lately, trying to work some things out about me, my future...my mental health and my faith. I've really been working on changing the dial in my head to see things on a more positive note. This line does that. There are plenty of people that may throw stones at a bird, but look for the one that treasures the bird, there is where you'll find beauty. Plenty of people come into our lives and cause us pain, but look for those that bring beauty into your life.

Beauty is going to be found if you look for it. Misery will keep you company if you open the door. Peace is available inside you....once you set aside your conflicts. Move through your life seeking out the beauty that is there to behold. The more you look, the more you find. The more you find, the more you will look. It's there. YOU put it there. Pick it back up and treasure it.

My rainbow....I found beauty in a poem I had never heard before.

All my love, Me

MAGNETIC ATTRACTIONS OR ADDICTIONS

SO, I've been in turmoil (nothing new except the subject matter) of trying to define some things in my life.  I like definition, order, organization etc...keeps me focused. So, I have this situation, I am constantly pulled into like a magnet the size of eternity has control over my direction. I've tried walking away from the pull, ignoring the pull and even pretending that I didn't feel the weight of the pull. But nothing has worked.

I need to go this direction. Even if there's so much fog blurring what's in front of me (this makes me so very anxious) I know that I must follow that pull. Here comes the crazy part of the turmoil. I have, for more than 5 years now, felt this unexplainable pull that I just can't leave alone. I've seen it as something I must do, must have, must experience...but, I've felt similarly in the past. With different addictions. So, here's the messy part...how do you truly know if it truly is a magnetic attraction that must be followed versus an addiction, magnetic or not?

Addictions can be anything...food, drugs, alcohol, sex, approval seeking, etc etc. But, how do you know what you're facing? How do you know what's real and what's hiding? I had someone tell me, "you shouldn't have to work so hard to keep something/someone in your life". But, I thoroughly disagree. If something/someone is truly a magnetic attraction, you should want to do what ever it takes to keep that person/situation a happy one. Take a job/career for instance. You've felt since childhood that you were meant to be this thing. You work your entire life getting to that goal. You get your job started and you find it's a perfect fit and you're happy. Now, shouldn't you do anything and everything you can to keep that situation happy?

I believe this answer is yes. However, here is where the answer would become no. Are you the only one doing what it takes to keep a happy situation, then is it worth the fight alone? Are you leaning on anyone to help and they're just not interested? Are you putting in time and effort but seeing no return? Getting mixed signals/information? THIS is when you shouldn't fight so hard. THIS is when you should look for a new/different situation.

Staying in THIS is when it's damaging and addictive. The magnet is not what is pulling you but your addiction to the situation. Your unwillingness to let it go. So, what you must then decide is do you want to continue to feed this addiction or do you want to find a real magnetic attraction?

Jumpy Jumps Every Day

So...I've been at a "new" job since August. I found last week that several of my coworkers have taken notice to one of my imperfections. I startle extremely easily and very often throughout the day. There's an old wives tale that says that indicates a guilty conscience. Well, I would like to say that I have nothing to ever feel guilty about, but it's not true. However, regarding this situation and that statement, it does not accurately describe me.

I do startle ridiculously easy and often, not just at work but in my everyday living. I am severely particular where I sit when I'm in public, wanting to sit in such a way that I'm not likely to have someone come up behind me easily and unknown. I walk around my car when I've parked somewhere and I am alone, even if it's not dark. I walk with my phone in my hand for immediate help should I need it. I try to be nearest to an outside door whenever I can so I can escape (this came in truly handy yesterday). There is really and truly a very long list of things I do and now I will explain the why.

I'm used to be grabbed unexpectedly in a sexual manner from behind me. I'm used to having my shower curtain opened while I am showering. I don't like the dark because you never know if you're truly safe in the dark. Yes, the dark is much more dangerous than the day. So many comments made that are inappropriate and unwanted. Being embarrassed by words said in front of others...yes; family, strangers, children, whatever the situation might be because it's known that I will do whatever I have to do in order to end the situation.

I'm sure you wonder, "has she ever said no or stop to the person(s)?" I assure you I have said plenty. It just doesn't matter. These things happen anyway. It's their "right"...I should feel flattered...etc. I've heard many statements that make my being uncomfortable unimportant. I have given up the argument. It's not worth the impending fight that is sure to ensue. Instead, I give in, submit to whatever it is and just get it over with so I can move past it.

No, this isn't ideal. It's not a desired situation. However, I'm sure, should you do an inquiry, you will find that many victims/survivors of any kind of abuse will tell you it's far easier to submit, there's less pain and the situation is over much quicker.

So yes, I startle easily. Please keep that in mind when you so quickly want to make a joke, I am expecting something negative to happen or to be said when someone sneaks up on me from behind or while I am otherwise engaged/distracted. There's many of us out there with issues like this so always be kind and compassionate.

My rainbow in this, having a sweet friend and coworker who quickly diffused a conversation about how I startle so easily. To my friend, I have much love for you.

All my love, Me

Grief Brings Love

So, I've been crazy lately, I thought literally I was sincerely going crazy, you know, committable type crazy. I was very worried about what was going on in my head. I made an appointment and went last week and was told that I was suffering from Serotonin Syndrome. I had a lot of blood work done. I was called Tuesday about my labs and had to go to the doctor yesterday. Y'all, I was devastated and hurt when I stepped on the scales. I had gained 5lbs in just a week.

I'm so very focused on this when I'm in the room waiting for the doctor. She tells me that normal thyroid numbers are 0 to 3. 3 is the absolute max of ok. Mine was 6.2....triple their max! I was shocked. She explained that the weight gain, heart flutters, hyper anxiety, headaches and tons of other issues I've been experiencing are most likely due to the thyroid numbers. I have hypothyroidism.

To add to my list of issues...now I have to worry about my thyroid numbers! I've seen first hand what can happen if those numbers get to low. I've witnessed first hand someone seemingly having a stroke, paramedics even thought it was a stroke. But, it wasn't a stroke. His numbers got deathly low! So, I have to worry about my sugar as I am hypoglycemic. I've dealt with mental illness for as long as I can remember in depression and anxiety. I've had and continue to have every kind of headache available. I have an as yet to be diagnosed autoimmune illness. I now have Serotonin Syndrome and hypothyroidism.

I'm too tired for words y'all. Then, a friend of my son and oldest daughter passed recently. We went to his public memorial today at a Catholic Church. He was also Hispanic. I didn't understand everything that was said and sang in Spanish, but, I felt it. I've never been to a mass before. It was soul touching. I heard and felt and thought so very much during the service.

Most importantly, I found my rainbow. My daughter and several of her high school friends that have always called me momma were together again. I had so much love given to me. So many memories discussed. So much laughter had.

It took a memorial to bring me a much needed rainbow and I will treasure that experience for a very long time.  R.I.P. sir. Thank you to all of my kids by birth and not. I love you always!!

All My Love,
Me

No Repeats

History is, for me, a good subject. I enjoy learning from the past and about the past. I adore sitting with older folks and hearing what they've experience throughout their lives. I have stories from carnivals in the sixties and seventies. A Vet that was a fighter pilot. A lady that gave birth to the first child born at Pender Memorial Hospital, also the first black child born at that hospital. This kind of history, I so enjoy.

The history I've been living in lately though, that history is not something I would choose to be learning...again. My anxiety has been so harsh lately that I have had to reapply my deodorant within just 2 hours after getting dressed. I have had to tie my hair up early, prior to lunch, because it's soaked from anxiety type sweating. Bra is wet. Trembling so bad I can't type at times. My depression has become very oppressive. I have no desire. No desire to be awake. No desire to sleep. No desire to clean, eat, read, watch tv...just no desire. 

I've reached out. I've made a new appointment. I've taking stock of my situation and working on it. But, it's so overwhelming right now. The other day, my thoughts got so heavy, dark and scary that it took me over an hour to slowly walk out of it and look for the light that I needed to pull me out. I haven't been in that place in over 15 years. It was very scary for me. I had forgotten how consuming it becomes and just how hard it is to remember to focus on the needed light. 

But, I didn't allow history to repeat itself too much for too long. I didn't hold on to this as a personal secret. I have spoken to 3 people, in detail, with the happenings of that time and I requested help. This is new for me. I don't let too many in deep enough that I could ask for help. 

My rainbows right now? Those that I have reached out to that did not judge me, did not have even the slightest change in how they looked at or spoke to me. Those that gave me the needed compassion and sensitivity that I just didn't know how to ask for.

For you, those people, thank you from the deepest part of my heart. I love you more than I have words.

All my love, Me

Juggling is Over Rated

I am in turmoil...severe at the moment.  I just need my life to slow down to about half the speed it's currently moving.  Brief summary of why I am where I am right now...

So, May 8, 2017, I lost a career job. I had been with firm for 12 years and in the industry since 2001. I was at least expecting it, there were signs. But, being the primary family provider, this was just shy of devastating. There was a saving grace, I had 2 adult working children still at home so they helped immensely. I found a job in December that ran until the end of April. No benefits, half the normal for me pay and it was temporary, but at least I was working again!! Then I was fortunate enough to get another job just a few weeks later. However, this was not at all a healthy environment for me and I gave notice while looking again for work.  Just a few weeks later, a friend of mine publicly exposed a job, I got it and I enjoy it.

However, during all of this, there was a major devastating storm throughout our state. A daughter lost essentially all of her belongings and was displaced for months before moving across the country in December. Then, a child moved out of my home at the end of December. I was out of my mental health meds for over 6 months during all of this and just went back on them 3 weeks ago. There are, of course, other things that have occurred during all of this but that would negate the summary being brief.

So, I'm on my meds again. However, I'm not benefiting from them as I normally would. My anxiety is in severe overdrive and my depression has hit such severe levels that I haven't seen in decades. I have decisions that I should make but I can't because I cannot stay focused on just one thing in order to make rational decisions. I think I know what I want, but I can't focus long enough to weigh the situation thoroughly. Since I'm a planner, I can't make the decisions until the planning can be done as well. There's so many of my juggling balls in the air, I don't have the ability to focus on just one for more than a second before the next needs my immediate attention.

But, then there are days like yesterday when I did nothing but sleep and watch tv all day. I need those days. No responsibility, no thinking, no going, no doing.  So, this morning, the balls have my attention again. I have someone dear to me who reminds me that I need to write in order to allow some clarity to seep into my otherwise very blurry mind.

So, this is my first attempt to begin writing again and gain some focus. My rainbow right now? I am here, I have the ability to write, I have a reason to see tomorrow.

Much love, Me