Control. That simple, little word conjures up so many emotions. From the time we are born, we are under someone's control. Some of us gain a sense of freedom as we move through life. Some of us, experience nothing good about being under another's control. Control comes through sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional/mental abuse...so many ways control is used to negatively impact a human being. This brings negative connotations with other words as well: submit, release, trust; there's really quite a list.
Coming to faith, we are supposed to submit to God. We are expected to release our worries, pain, anger etc to this Creator that wants nothing more than to replace all of our negative with only His positive. People try to mimic this as well. How many times have the words "trust me" or "I won't hurt you" or even and sometimes especially "I'll be there for you" been uttered and yet fallen to the side when convenient?
On the other side of control, we are supposed to exhibit self control in all kinds of manner. Sexual control. Emotional control. Physical control. Verbal control (this is a particularly difficult one for me). So, although others, especially God, desire that we release control from ourselves to them, we are also expected to gain and keep control of ourselves. This is such a tough road to walk upon for someone who comes from such an abusive and negative background. How am I supposed to trust enough to show the inner most scars and allow someone else control over their healing while also practicing self control in all these other areas? It's not easy. It's painful.
A most recent incident in this exact problem has led me here tonight. While attempting to allow another responsibility for my scars, my self control has fallen to the side. I find myself distracted by so many emotions, good and bad. I find my anxiety level is at an all time high in some areas while experiencing it to be low in other areas. I find myself saying things I well know I should not say while not stating things that should be heard. This list is really quite long, but, I remembered something from God's Word, His directions, on losing control.
"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23
With this verse, in giving God control, we are to do this daily. I cannot try hard on Monday and forget on Tuesday. I have to try every day, harder than the day before. That is what God has required of us in order to lose control His way...daily denying of oneself; daily picking up our cross; daily following God; daily losing control.
Daily. Such a small word but so much impact. Daily.
My daily rainbow? Control.
All my love, Me.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Failure Pursues Success
So, after posting last time about letting go taking so much strength, this week, I write about the failure of letting go yet the pursuit of success despite failure.
I tried, albeit, not as hard as I should have or maybe even could have, guess that shows the desire to hold on. But, in this failure, there was also success, which is driving me harder to let go. Some things that I need to let go of are inanimate things put into my thinking long ago by others and fed upon by yet others over the years. These things, thoughts or beliefs really, are debilitating and control most of what I do, say, think, feel etc. I'm not model thin, though I used to be by desire to be accepted. I'm not the smartest, though I'm quite intelligent due to the drive to always keep up. I'm not the best at anything though I come close to being the best at worrying.
This past week, I have worked really hard to give up some of these negative things that I have always clung so tightly to throughout most of my life. I failed, most everyday, at letting go of them. Though, in unexpected flashes, I found myself focusing on more positive thoughts about myself. I know I am not the best mother by far, however, at least once this week, without my provocation, each of my children stated that they loved me and thanked me for something I said or did...that makes any mother feel good, I felt overwhelmingly blessed and took time to focus on the fact that "I must have done something right". I know that I don't get as much done as I would like or believe that I should get done, however, this week, regarding one particular situation, I looked back on what I had done and slightly praised myself for my accomplishments.
I am always so very aware of all of my failures, I am my own worst critic. But, the feelings invoked this past week by accepting some positive self feedback, I may have overall failed on letting go, but I also very much found the desire to pursue success in continuing to let go of the negative and focusing more on holding on to the positive. My success at positive thinking is/was my rainbow this week!
How precious are your thoughts about me,[a] O God.
They cannot be numbered! Psalm 139:17
All my love, Me.
I tried, albeit, not as hard as I should have or maybe even could have, guess that shows the desire to hold on. But, in this failure, there was also success, which is driving me harder to let go. Some things that I need to let go of are inanimate things put into my thinking long ago by others and fed upon by yet others over the years. These things, thoughts or beliefs really, are debilitating and control most of what I do, say, think, feel etc. I'm not model thin, though I used to be by desire to be accepted. I'm not the smartest, though I'm quite intelligent due to the drive to always keep up. I'm not the best at anything though I come close to being the best at worrying.
This past week, I have worked really hard to give up some of these negative things that I have always clung so tightly to throughout most of my life. I failed, most everyday, at letting go of them. Though, in unexpected flashes, I found myself focusing on more positive thoughts about myself. I know I am not the best mother by far, however, at least once this week, without my provocation, each of my children stated that they loved me and thanked me for something I said or did...that makes any mother feel good, I felt overwhelmingly blessed and took time to focus on the fact that "I must have done something right". I know that I don't get as much done as I would like or believe that I should get done, however, this week, regarding one particular situation, I looked back on what I had done and slightly praised myself for my accomplishments.
I am always so very aware of all of my failures, I am my own worst critic. But, the feelings invoked this past week by accepting some positive self feedback, I may have overall failed on letting go, but I also very much found the desire to pursue success in continuing to let go of the negative and focusing more on holding on to the positive. My success at positive thinking is/was my rainbow this week!
How precious are your thoughts about me,[a] O God.
They cannot be numbered! Psalm 139:17
All my love, Me.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Letting Go
So, I was watching a show the other night that usually ends with a quote. This quote struck me right in the middle of where I was in many areas of my life. I have several areas of my life in which I have been struggling to make decisions on the next and proper step...all of which mean I would need to either hold on to my current position in that specific situation or let go in order to move forward. The quote: "It doesn't take a lot of strength to hand on, it takes a lot of strength to let go" JC Watts.
I thought I was showing an indeterminate amount of strength in several of these areas by holding on. This quote made me really think about and evaluate these situations in a whole new light. How much strength is required to hold on to a situation that you should not be in to begin with? No matter how good the situation appears or feels, if it is not the right situation for you or another, you need to muster the strength to let go rather than doing the easy thing and hanging on...saying no or goodbye is not easy...but sometimes it's what is best.
When it is time for another to move forward and you love that person so much it terrifies you to let go of their hand, you need to re-evaluate why you are holding on to it. Boy, as a parent, this is the most difficult of all of the hold on/let go situations that I have been facing. It definitely will not be easy, I've let go of one hand...3 more to go. Heaven help me find the strength when it's time to let go.
These are just two examples. But what I figured out, by thinking, praying & most importantly listening to God, my strength will not be found in holding on so tight that I can not see the next step forward. My strength will only be found by putting my faith in God's Word that He will never leave my side and will provide me strength to endure the trials I will face. This includes learning to let go.
"So do not be afraid, I am with you. Do not be terrified, I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. I always do what is right" Isaiah 41:18
So, when it seems that holding on is easy while letting go is hard, seeks His hand to hold you up and let go. All my love, me.
I thought I was showing an indeterminate amount of strength in several of these areas by holding on. This quote made me really think about and evaluate these situations in a whole new light. How much strength is required to hold on to a situation that you should not be in to begin with? No matter how good the situation appears or feels, if it is not the right situation for you or another, you need to muster the strength to let go rather than doing the easy thing and hanging on...saying no or goodbye is not easy...but sometimes it's what is best.
When it is time for another to move forward and you love that person so much it terrifies you to let go of their hand, you need to re-evaluate why you are holding on to it. Boy, as a parent, this is the most difficult of all of the hold on/let go situations that I have been facing. It definitely will not be easy, I've let go of one hand...3 more to go. Heaven help me find the strength when it's time to let go.
These are just two examples. But what I figured out, by thinking, praying & most importantly listening to God, my strength will not be found in holding on so tight that I can not see the next step forward. My strength will only be found by putting my faith in God's Word that He will never leave my side and will provide me strength to endure the trials I will face. This includes learning to let go.
"So do not be afraid, I am with you. Do not be terrified, I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. I always do what is right" Isaiah 41:18
So, when it seems that holding on is easy while letting go is hard, seeks His hand to hold you up and let go. All my love, me.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
NEVER LET GO
The suicide of actor Robin Williams has really impacted a lot of people around the world. What it did for me, was open my eyes in several ways. Money truly doesn't buy happiness (though I knew this to some degree). Even the seemingly most happy person hides some of the most painful secrets behind their smiles. Outside appearances are quite often deceptive to what is twisting and turning on the inside.
Oh, wait, I knew these things. I live these things. I fight with these things and oh so many more. I have always taught my children (by birth and inherited) that mental health is vital to maintain just like any other aspect of our health like heart health, hearing, sight, on and on. When I realized that I was suffering from depression, around age 15, mental illness was kept quiet. You didn't talk about it because it made you crazy and crazy people were put away. I wanted to educate my children to understand that mental illness was no different than any other illness that could potentially cost you your life. No negative stigmas in this family.
Then, in trying to walk into faith, I tried a more spiritual approach to working with my illness and working towards a healthier life. Then, BAM! Someone says that my depression, anxiety etc are just mere sins that need to be turned over to God. WHOA! What a set back. I am now 3 plus years out passed that statement and have made my own determination about this illness on a spiritual level. Here goes...
The more light (rainbows) we can add to our lives when we are having so-so days or ok days or even those rare good days, the better equipped we are to fight our way through the oh so consuming and unbelievably heavy darkness in order to emerge a little sooner, a little better and maybe a little more educated for the next fight. The illness is not a sin, it is an illness. The battle that must be fought is to realize that we can be stronger than the illness. Find positive....whatever that looks like for you. I have found some pretty amazing people in my "circle" lately that have provided me with so much positive ammunition that I find myself daring the darkness to come at me!! Some of these people are spiritual walkers, some are not. But what they have in common is expressing their love for me in ways that I can believe them and hold on to when I start facing the negative rivers flowing in my mind.
We need to find what works for us individually since depression is an individual illness and not a group issue. It's not common to find someone on the same level as you regarding mental illness. Similarities? Sure. Similar causes? Possibly. I was blessed some years ago to develop a friendship with someone who truly shared my illness on so many levels. This friend said to me, "you cannot become a statistic, don't allow it. Suicide is not an option!" Oh the tears we shared that night. Then, tragically, my friend took his life. He left me. After such a connection and a promise to call one another when the darkness started...he succumbed. Boy was I angry! But then I realized, I had to fight harder. I had to get stronger. I could not allow this devastating disease make me follow that same path. I would create a new path. This was not easy. Still isn't. Never will be. But I have learned to accept for truth the hardest lesson of all...I do not suffer alone in this illness.
We need to remove the stigmas and misconceptions and any other negative thoughts & opinions about mental illness and recognize that money cannot save you. Education may not save you. We are in need of spiritual guidance through the darkness and need to find a light within our lives that will shine through the darkness in it's worst place and hold on for dear life...not death. No one is immune to this disease. No one can fight it alone. Find your light, your rainbow, your positive hand that you can hold on to and NEVER LET GO!
All my love, Me
"Come to me, all who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the desolate pit...He put a new song in my mouth." Psalm 40:1-3
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help" Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Oh, wait, I knew these things. I live these things. I fight with these things and oh so many more. I have always taught my children (by birth and inherited) that mental health is vital to maintain just like any other aspect of our health like heart health, hearing, sight, on and on. When I realized that I was suffering from depression, around age 15, mental illness was kept quiet. You didn't talk about it because it made you crazy and crazy people were put away. I wanted to educate my children to understand that mental illness was no different than any other illness that could potentially cost you your life. No negative stigmas in this family.
Then, in trying to walk into faith, I tried a more spiritual approach to working with my illness and working towards a healthier life. Then, BAM! Someone says that my depression, anxiety etc are just mere sins that need to be turned over to God. WHOA! What a set back. I am now 3 plus years out passed that statement and have made my own determination about this illness on a spiritual level. Here goes...
The more light (rainbows) we can add to our lives when we are having so-so days or ok days or even those rare good days, the better equipped we are to fight our way through the oh so consuming and unbelievably heavy darkness in order to emerge a little sooner, a little better and maybe a little more educated for the next fight. The illness is not a sin, it is an illness. The battle that must be fought is to realize that we can be stronger than the illness. Find positive....whatever that looks like for you. I have found some pretty amazing people in my "circle" lately that have provided me with so much positive ammunition that I find myself daring the darkness to come at me!! Some of these people are spiritual walkers, some are not. But what they have in common is expressing their love for me in ways that I can believe them and hold on to when I start facing the negative rivers flowing in my mind.
We need to find what works for us individually since depression is an individual illness and not a group issue. It's not common to find someone on the same level as you regarding mental illness. Similarities? Sure. Similar causes? Possibly. I was blessed some years ago to develop a friendship with someone who truly shared my illness on so many levels. This friend said to me, "you cannot become a statistic, don't allow it. Suicide is not an option!" Oh the tears we shared that night. Then, tragically, my friend took his life. He left me. After such a connection and a promise to call one another when the darkness started...he succumbed. Boy was I angry! But then I realized, I had to fight harder. I had to get stronger. I could not allow this devastating disease make me follow that same path. I would create a new path. This was not easy. Still isn't. Never will be. But I have learned to accept for truth the hardest lesson of all...I do not suffer alone in this illness.
We need to remove the stigmas and misconceptions and any other negative thoughts & opinions about mental illness and recognize that money cannot save you. Education may not save you. We are in need of spiritual guidance through the darkness and need to find a light within our lives that will shine through the darkness in it's worst place and hold on for dear life...not death. No one is immune to this disease. No one can fight it alone. Find your light, your rainbow, your positive hand that you can hold on to and NEVER LET GO!
All my love, Me
"Come to me, all who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the desolate pit...He put a new song in my mouth." Psalm 40:1-3
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help" Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Mirror Mirror of the Soul
So, as I have said to many in the past, change of self should be a continuous task throughout our lives. This change, usually, most often, is not easy to put into action. Today, a very tough, hard lesson of true, internal love that cannot often be reflected to be as pure as it is meant to be.
Conditioning of the self is often done by other people, experiences, conversations etc. What I learned today is that one of the hardest changes to act upon is changing this internal conditioning. I really try to not expect out of others in my present what I have experienced from others in my past. However, there are circumstances in which this is excruciatingly difficult, paralyzing I would say. By my experience, everyone wants something in return. Could be deeds, sex, favors....the list can go on. I have learned this especially from the male population...unfortunately I have tried to unlearn this conditioning for the majority of my life. This is most difficult due to another lesson I learned today...or rather I have known but not often admitted. My worth. Am I enough just as I am? Do I have to give something in return for someone to value their time with me? Do I need to change who I am/want to be in order for someone to be happy with me?
Today, I have experienced the true internal love of another wanting nothing in return. This is not something I am used to so it is not something I know what to do with. I was told I should replay the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" until I took to heart the lyrics. I shouldn't worry about what was wanted from me, I should be happy that I was enough. Well, that went over like a lead balloon....I happen to know that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fit enough. Not strong enough. Not mom enough. Not. Enough. However, this conversation led to another, deeper & more spiritual conversation.
"How can you not be enough...I created you". Then, on Facebook I had friends in my newsfeed that had posted different ways of saying "you are enough". So, I'm thinking, alone with my Spiritual Advisor. And I ask...show me my worth. So, a rainbow has broken through another piece of my darkness and has reflected His light, love and patience with me. The acceptance of being enough without deeds, favors, etc. I am sure will prove to be one of the hardest rainbows yet to hold on to, but, I have decided to it is a lesson and a change that I want to put into action. To my very special friend who started this paralyzing yet light reflecting evening, I thank you with all that I can and I love you more that I can express.
"Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows" Matthew 10:31
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. Love is not happy with evil but is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Conditioning of the self is often done by other people, experiences, conversations etc. What I learned today is that one of the hardest changes to act upon is changing this internal conditioning. I really try to not expect out of others in my present what I have experienced from others in my past. However, there are circumstances in which this is excruciatingly difficult, paralyzing I would say. By my experience, everyone wants something in return. Could be deeds, sex, favors....the list can go on. I have learned this especially from the male population...unfortunately I have tried to unlearn this conditioning for the majority of my life. This is most difficult due to another lesson I learned today...or rather I have known but not often admitted. My worth. Am I enough just as I am? Do I have to give something in return for someone to value their time with me? Do I need to change who I am/want to be in order for someone to be happy with me?
Today, I have experienced the true internal love of another wanting nothing in return. This is not something I am used to so it is not something I know what to do with. I was told I should replay the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" until I took to heart the lyrics. I shouldn't worry about what was wanted from me, I should be happy that I was enough. Well, that went over like a lead balloon....I happen to know that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fit enough. Not strong enough. Not mom enough. Not. Enough. However, this conversation led to another, deeper & more spiritual conversation.
"How can you not be enough...I created you". Then, on Facebook I had friends in my newsfeed that had posted different ways of saying "you are enough". So, I'm thinking, alone with my Spiritual Advisor. And I ask...show me my worth. So, a rainbow has broken through another piece of my darkness and has reflected His light, love and patience with me. The acceptance of being enough without deeds, favors, etc. I am sure will prove to be one of the hardest rainbows yet to hold on to, but, I have decided to it is a lesson and a change that I want to put into action. To my very special friend who started this paralyzing yet light reflecting evening, I thank you with all that I can and I love you more that I can express.
"Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows" Matthew 10:31
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. Love is not happy with evil but is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Friday, July 25, 2014
Weak is Beauty
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Philippians 4:6
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles" Philippians 4:13-14
These verses have been screaming at me many times through the day in so many different situations lately. I have given into my depression in a most severe way over this, the worse year of my life thus far. By allowing the depression to take root, I allowed anxiety to weaken me in so many areas of my life. Lots of people do this, that's not the hard part. The hard part? Finding and holding onto a rainbow long enough to pull you back up and out.
I don't let people see this weak side of me. Why? Because people expect me to be strong. I am supposed to be level headed. I am wise. I am....not weak, emotional, worried, stressed. I spent my birthday in 2013 in a most painful way...with my mama during her biopsy that confirmed my worst fear. I spent my birthday in 2014 missing my mama because her body failed her and she left before seeing a year from diagnosis. But here's the thing...I can count on one hand the people who knew I was hurting and dreading and resenting my birthday this year. Why? Because it was my birthday and people wanted me to be happy so that is what I showed them.
I had a very insightful, needed, dreaded, painful conversation last night that really brought all of this year with it's pain, anxiety, depression and fake smiles into a brand new perspective for me. I have not once this past year thanked God for what He was seeing me through. He allowed me to be a caretaker for my mama to her last breath. He gave me the strength to hold her hand on her final exhale. He gave me the peace I needed to sing one of her favorite songs to her. He allowed me to see my beautiful mama saying goodbye to all she loved.
I found strength in Him. But, I did not allow anyone to share in my troubles. I kept it to myself because no one wanted to see that kind of ugly weakness in me. But, I am weak. I am so much weaker than most realize. Just the other night, I reached out to a friend who continues to try to be a friend that I continue to hold at bay (in my defense, she does the same thing to me...2 peas, 1 pod). I let her know that I was very scared and anxious about a medical procedure I have coming up. She immediately said she would be there with me. WHOA! Hold your horses there lady....I don't allow people to see me in that condition...that weak. I just wanted your prayers...
Well, then I remembered..."Yet it was good of you to share my troubles" . Wow. I'm stuck now. So, I told this friend that it was hard to allow her to go but "thank you". How hard is it to accept our ugly weakness and simply say thank you? Well, I realized, yes a bit late in life, last night that weakness is when we are at our most beautiful. Why? It shows our truest, deepest and most sincere heart. Think: cancer, woman, chemo....BALD. Do you think ugly or do you think beautiful and strong? Think: pregnant woman. Do you think ugly, weak or miserable? I see beautiful, strong, amazing.
I have been through a lot over the last 14 months and I have only allowed a few select people in deep enough to see the real picture. To those people that I allowed in....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! There are so many people that did or said something during this time to let me know they were there....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! And to all of you I say...THANK YOU for being one of the many rainbows in my life!
Much Love,
me
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles" Philippians 4:13-14
These verses have been screaming at me many times through the day in so many different situations lately. I have given into my depression in a most severe way over this, the worse year of my life thus far. By allowing the depression to take root, I allowed anxiety to weaken me in so many areas of my life. Lots of people do this, that's not the hard part. The hard part? Finding and holding onto a rainbow long enough to pull you back up and out.
I don't let people see this weak side of me. Why? Because people expect me to be strong. I am supposed to be level headed. I am wise. I am....not weak, emotional, worried, stressed. I spent my birthday in 2013 in a most painful way...with my mama during her biopsy that confirmed my worst fear. I spent my birthday in 2014 missing my mama because her body failed her and she left before seeing a year from diagnosis. But here's the thing...I can count on one hand the people who knew I was hurting and dreading and resenting my birthday this year. Why? Because it was my birthday and people wanted me to be happy so that is what I showed them.
I had a very insightful, needed, dreaded, painful conversation last night that really brought all of this year with it's pain, anxiety, depression and fake smiles into a brand new perspective for me. I have not once this past year thanked God for what He was seeing me through. He allowed me to be a caretaker for my mama to her last breath. He gave me the strength to hold her hand on her final exhale. He gave me the peace I needed to sing one of her favorite songs to her. He allowed me to see my beautiful mama saying goodbye to all she loved.
I found strength in Him. But, I did not allow anyone to share in my troubles. I kept it to myself because no one wanted to see that kind of ugly weakness in me. But, I am weak. I am so much weaker than most realize. Just the other night, I reached out to a friend who continues to try to be a friend that I continue to hold at bay (in my defense, she does the same thing to me...2 peas, 1 pod). I let her know that I was very scared and anxious about a medical procedure I have coming up. She immediately said she would be there with me. WHOA! Hold your horses there lady....I don't allow people to see me in that condition...that weak. I just wanted your prayers...
Well, then I remembered..."Yet it was good of you to share my troubles" . Wow. I'm stuck now. So, I told this friend that it was hard to allow her to go but "thank you". How hard is it to accept our ugly weakness and simply say thank you? Well, I realized, yes a bit late in life, last night that weakness is when we are at our most beautiful. Why? It shows our truest, deepest and most sincere heart. Think: cancer, woman, chemo....BALD. Do you think ugly or do you think beautiful and strong? Think: pregnant woman. Do you think ugly, weak or miserable? I see beautiful, strong, amazing.
I have been through a lot over the last 14 months and I have only allowed a few select people in deep enough to see the real picture. To those people that I allowed in....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! There are so many people that did or said something during this time to let me know they were there....THANK YOU. It was so good of you to share in my troubles! And to all of you I say...THANK YOU for being one of the many rainbows in my life!
Much Love,
me
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Joy in any language...
Then Hannah prayed. She said, "The Lord has filled my heart with joy. He had made me strong. I can laugh at my enemies. I'm so glad He saved me". 1 Samuel 2:1
So, today, I had to be reminded to not let others still my joy. This is a hard concept for me as the mood of others always affects my mood. Other reactions/actions always affects my mood. This was the case today. Something said as a joke was returned with a negative reaction and attitude simply because the person receiving wasn't in the mood to receive. The reaction was quite negative, hurtful and unnecessary. Up to that point, my day had gone quite well. Good even. I had laughed quite a bit, I felt good mentally and emotionally. Then...nothing for the next few hours.
Later, as I was walking through the office, I made a detour to see a very spiritually strong friend of mine. She said "Baby girl, what's wrong? Where'd your smile go?" So, I explained that someone wasn't very nice and it upset me. Her response, "You can't let others take your joy, it's yours. People will always be mean or insensitive but we can't let that affect our own mood. When someone is negative, break the mean words."
So, I walked away and thought about her words. It reminded me of a lesson I learned through a sermon not too long ago. "Joy is internal, between you and God. Happiness is external, between you and the world". If I remember to seek true joy through God, others moods and words cannot affect me and my joy because it's internal. I do not have to allow anyone else access to my eternal being except for God.
Today's rainbow? My sweet friend who reminded me what true joy is and where it is found. Don't give others the power over your happiness, seek the joy that only comes from God. Much Love, Me.
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So, today, I had to be reminded to not let others still my joy. This is a hard concept for me as the mood of others always affects my mood. Other reactions/actions always affects my mood. This was the case today. Something said as a joke was returned with a negative reaction and attitude simply because the person receiving wasn't in the mood to receive. The reaction was quite negative, hurtful and unnecessary. Up to that point, my day had gone quite well. Good even. I had laughed quite a bit, I felt good mentally and emotionally. Then...nothing for the next few hours.
Later, as I was walking through the office, I made a detour to see a very spiritually strong friend of mine. She said "Baby girl, what's wrong? Where'd your smile go?" So, I explained that someone wasn't very nice and it upset me. Her response, "You can't let others take your joy, it's yours. People will always be mean or insensitive but we can't let that affect our own mood. When someone is negative, break the mean words."
So, I walked away and thought about her words. It reminded me of a lesson I learned through a sermon not too long ago. "Joy is internal, between you and God. Happiness is external, between you and the world". If I remember to seek true joy through God, others moods and words cannot affect me and my joy because it's internal. I do not have to allow anyone else access to my eternal being except for God.
Today's rainbow? My sweet friend who reminded me what true joy is and where it is found. Don't give others the power over your happiness, seek the joy that only comes from God. Much Love, Me.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Love and all it's pain
You are God's chosen people. You are hold and dearly loved. So put on tender mercy and kindness as if they were your clothes. Don't be proud. Be gentle and patient. Put up with each other. Forgive the things you are holding against one another Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you. And over all of those good things put on love. Love holds them all together perfectly as if they were one. Colossians 3:12-14
So, I wanted to go to a Sunday night service that I had only been to one other time. While preparing myself to go (stress and anxiety always being a factor), I was heading face first into cinder blocks every time I looked up. First, chaperone seemed as though they would be unable to attend. Then, grumpy kids, lengthy family conversations, delayed departures....it was definitely stacked against me to attend. But, I remembered sweet Pastor Blake Hayes saying "when it seems impossible to attend God's house, you must". So, I headed out.
When making our way to and finally sitting in the sanctuary/auditorium, I noticed that the current topic (this church does lessons in series) was on relationships, specifically marriage and dating. The emotional roller coaster of my recent days said this was the last lesson I needed/wanted to hear. But, now I am stuck and I am not a quitter, so, listen I did. So focus on this for a moment:
"until you allow yourself to be loved by God, you cannot allow yourself to be fully loved by another"
"when you allow yourself to be loved by God, you want to fully give your love to another"
"we have to give trust because we are loved, trust cannot be earned"
These are statements (though there were others) that resonated with me the strongest and drove me to my 'thinking' spot for the evening. Those who truly know me, know that I do not trust, I do not easily allow myself to express my love (even though I love many deeply, they likely do not know) and I always have a wall, my protection, to prevent other from getting deep enough inside of my heart and head to cause lasting damage. Through the abuse in my life time, by others and myself, I carry enough guilt to sink several Titanic ships. Sexual abuse that led to not so healthy habits in the form of sex, drugs, alcohol, demeaning relationships (friends and others), eating disorders and I'm sure there are others not here listed. It's been a long, hard road to get where I am today and then I attend this service and realize what I have always taught my children....life is nothing but continuous learning and evolving. The lesson on this Sunday night? It's time to seek out God's love for me. Not my kids. Not others. But, for me. That means forgiveness, right? Dang. That means no strings, right? Dang again. Why must I allow holes in my wall in order to learn and evolve? When will I see easy improvement?
So, not so long ago, I decided that I wanted what I wanted. I have made changes to attract circumstances in which I can obtain what I want. And then, learning and evolving simply to realize that in order to end my race at the finish line I desire, I must allow myself to be fully loved by God so that I can fully obtain my own heart's desire. This does not sound easy. Probably not much fun. Will the end result be worth it? Yes....I see a rainbow in my future.
Allow God's love to fully penetrate your heart no matter the current condition you find it in. 1st place is waiting for you! Much Love, Me.
So, I wanted to go to a Sunday night service that I had only been to one other time. While preparing myself to go (stress and anxiety always being a factor), I was heading face first into cinder blocks every time I looked up. First, chaperone seemed as though they would be unable to attend. Then, grumpy kids, lengthy family conversations, delayed departures....it was definitely stacked against me to attend. But, I remembered sweet Pastor Blake Hayes saying "when it seems impossible to attend God's house, you must". So, I headed out.
When making our way to and finally sitting in the sanctuary/auditorium, I noticed that the current topic (this church does lessons in series) was on relationships, specifically marriage and dating. The emotional roller coaster of my recent days said this was the last lesson I needed/wanted to hear. But, now I am stuck and I am not a quitter, so, listen I did. So focus on this for a moment:
"until you allow yourself to be loved by God, you cannot allow yourself to be fully loved by another"
"when you allow yourself to be loved by God, you want to fully give your love to another"
"we have to give trust because we are loved, trust cannot be earned"
These are statements (though there were others) that resonated with me the strongest and drove me to my 'thinking' spot for the evening. Those who truly know me, know that I do not trust, I do not easily allow myself to express my love (even though I love many deeply, they likely do not know) and I always have a wall, my protection, to prevent other from getting deep enough inside of my heart and head to cause lasting damage. Through the abuse in my life time, by others and myself, I carry enough guilt to sink several Titanic ships. Sexual abuse that led to not so healthy habits in the form of sex, drugs, alcohol, demeaning relationships (friends and others), eating disorders and I'm sure there are others not here listed. It's been a long, hard road to get where I am today and then I attend this service and realize what I have always taught my children....life is nothing but continuous learning and evolving. The lesson on this Sunday night? It's time to seek out God's love for me. Not my kids. Not others. But, for me. That means forgiveness, right? Dang. That means no strings, right? Dang again. Why must I allow holes in my wall in order to learn and evolve? When will I see easy improvement?
So, not so long ago, I decided that I wanted what I wanted. I have made changes to attract circumstances in which I can obtain what I want. And then, learning and evolving simply to realize that in order to end my race at the finish line I desire, I must allow myself to be fully loved by God so that I can fully obtain my own heart's desire. This does not sound easy. Probably not much fun. Will the end result be worth it? Yes....I see a rainbow in my future.
Allow God's love to fully penetrate your heart no matter the current condition you find it in. 1st place is waiting for you! Much Love, Me.
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