Positive Memories

Do you remember when you first kissed her? She does. Do you remember what you said after that kiss? She could still quote it. Do you remember how it felt the first time you held her in your arms? She hasn't forgotten. What she forgets, always, is how it feels to be truly loved. To have someone who wants nothing more than her time. To have someone who shares similar interests as she has always held alone. She forgets the nice words that have been whispered because every day she's reminded of the harsh words that she hears. She finds it difficult to hold on to the positive that happens rarely when her hands become full of the negative that is her daily reality.

I wonder, how would you choose to remind her of the positive in the middle of her turmoil? Would you tell her it's simply mind over matter? Well, her mind is focused on what matters at that moment. Would you tell her she can change her situation if she really desired to do so? She would remind you of her heart condition that caused you to fall for her and ask you how she can turn her back on loved ones. How do we fall in love with others? What causes the connection? More importantly, I think, is what can be strong enough to break that connection? Was it ever really there? How do you know?

Living in a fairy tale has never been my desire. Fairy tales only ever serve one purpose in my world, a break from reality. Sometimes, that break from reality is the only thing that keeps me sane. We all have negative things in our daily lives that we must endure. Some of them we may well bring upon ourselves, some of them are brought about by others. However, the results of daily living are the same, you must find your own way of working through the negative in order to refocus on the positive. Each of us has learned our own ways of doing this, and, if we are smart, we are always learning new and better ways to improve our ability to put our focus on the positive, even in the middle of our turmoil.

This is my rainbow recently. I have learned a new way of focusing on the positive in my life. This happens in many small ways all throughout my day. It might simply be wearing a shirt that a loved one gave me. Maybe it's remembering something whispered in a sweet moment. It could be a random "I love you" said by one of the kids that bless my life. One thing that I have come to realize in this ever evolving journey that is my life, is that I cannot hold anyone responsible for my happiness and focus. That responsibility lies only at my feet. My decisions. My thoughts. My rainbows. Today, I choose the happiness of, somewhat, quiet solitude in a library away from the regular distractions and responsibilities and my thoughts.

I do remember that first kiss. I can quote what was said after. I remember being held. I remember nice words spoken in tender moments. I choose to focus on the positive today through remembering. Today, my rainbow is the smile that crosses my face when I remember my time with you.

All my love, me

Desire

So, we all have things we desire, right? Money. Houses. Certain jobs. Children. These are just a few examples. Well, desire has been driving me a lot lately. Desire for inner peace; true and deep in the soul peace.

Sometime before the present, probably close to 4 years now, I made a decision that I had fought with, prayed about, stressed about and sunk into a severe depressive mode about. It took me well over a year (yes, that puts us back to 5 years ago) to make this decision and make it final. I knew that I knew with everything in me that I had made the right and best decision. From within this decision, I would, one day, finally have that inner peace that I so desire, that drives me on my most difficult days. Within this decision, I would also figure out who I am, who I want to be, what I like, etc.

Well, then desire sets in and hard! I have figured out some of these things and I continue to learn about myself and I am enjoying the process for the most part. The problem is, the decision that I made that I knew was the right decision to make, is now no longer something I am content in having in my life. I want more. But, in some things, I want less. I want what I want and I want it now!! (direct Veruca Salt quote here). Some of these things I want, I can certainly achieve, even if difficult, within this decision, however, some things, some pretty large things, I cannot achieve right now no matter how much I desire to do so. This decision requires time, no, I don't know how much time and that is where my desires drive away my contentment with this decision.

I want to be happy, really I do. I have seen a glimpse, tasted, smelled, heard and felt glimpses of what my happiness would be like and I want it! But, time. Who's time? Not mine but it affects me. I pray, not as often as I should and not the way that I should, but I do pray that this time will be soon. But, God controls this clock that determines my happiness date. How do I then, wait? How do I find contentment again with this decision that I made while still pursuing further knowledge of ME and my happiness and inner peace?

Well, if that isn't the million dollar question! (Yeah, this game show quote reflects my age). I have struggled with answering this question, or rather obtaining the answer to this question from the Time Holder and I will share this with you. I have to continue to do what I KNOW is the right thing(s) to do (yes, it's painful, boring and unsatisfying at times) but I have had to learn the hard way that going against the Clock is going to cause me more pain and dissatisfaction than I desire to endure. I also must find positive reinforcements of the decision I made (who does this decision affect, why did I make this decision, how can I stay content within this decision) and focus on them rather than my selfish and impatient desires. Well, I have done this for the majority of my life (I have been a mother for more of my life than I haven't been) so should be easy, right? WRONG!! It has been easy, for me and for the most part, to put myself after my children, yes this means even those children that I didn't birth. There haven't been many times where I struggled with doing what was best for them when it was in conflict with my personal desires. But this, this is overwhelming on some days to not be selfish and impatient. I cry to God sometimes about my happiness.

He has recently sent me a rainbow to focus on during all of this messiness I call my life's desire. One day, I will be happy. Deeply, soul touchingly happy. My happiness here will come and it will be nice, but, my patience and self sacrifice in this decision will bring me eternal happiness because it is what He wants of me and my desire to accomplish His desires will be eternally rewarding. I have been given a rainbow in my children. I have been given a rainbow in my loved ones. I have been given a rainbow in love that has been shown to and for me. I will focus on these rainbows and continue learning who I am and try to be patient and self sacrificing until the clock has come to my time.

All my love, Me

Blessings and Curses

Do you look for the blessings that are in your path even when you feel you are being cursed? I saw so many blessings recently within a situation that could certainly have been devastating.

So, two of us in my car driving in the rain that has been drenching our area for several days. We're on the highway headed several miles away to watch my first ever professional football...not only my first in person professional game, but my team, the Indianapolis Colts were playing.  Just about the time I was going to ask for a stop, we start hydroplaning.  I closed my eyes and prayed until I heard someone asking me if I was ok.  We had wrecked, pretty badly. My immediate thought after I realized I was not seriously injured and I remembered to be thankful for that answered prayer, was, "well this well planned out trip has just been severely interrupted. Hotel that was paid for and is now too late to cancel with a refund. Tickets bought months earlier will be left unused. AND we have to figure out how to get back home which was 2 plus hours away."

But then, I called the insurance company while we were waiting for the tow truck that the trooper called.  First blessing: we had rental coverage and there was going to be a car waiting in the next town, just 10 minutes up the highway. Next: the insurance company would also be taking care of the tow bill, I didn't have to figure that one out. The trooper took us to the rental car place once the tow truck came. Another blessing: out of all of the charges we could have received, we only received a non-moving violation ticket.  Then: the lady at the rental car place went above and beyond to get us in our car and on our way. So, we head to where the car was towed so we can get out things out of it.  As we get out of our car, we are approached by an insurance rep who is working on the estimate for the car...we should not have run in to him that soon, another blessing.

We get our things, drive off. We get to the hotel, find out that we will have 30 minutes of down time to relax from the afternoon's events AND the hotel has a shuttle to get us to the game and pick us back up after!!  More blessings! So, we make the game, even in the rain!! 

Another curse, we get home the next day and the insurance company calls to tell me my car is totaled. Not good at all...I'm still paying on that car and will not be able to obtain another loan so now what will I do?  Pray...during all of this, I am praying like never before. Tuesday, one week and one day after the wreck, I get a new car. It's a pretty awesome car. I even got a return on the rental that I paid to have an extra week since I turned it in early.  More blessings. 

My ordeal is not over, however, there have been so many blessings, so many answered prayers that God has truly showed me the promises of His rainbow. Through all the rain and clouds and the things that seemed impossible, God has covered my eyes with rainbows. I am blessed. Look for your rainbows even when you think you can't see through the clouds.

All my love, me.

When the words do not come

I am asked how I feel. I don't have the words. I am asked what I want. I cannot express that verbally. Being an introvert makes verbalizing anything deep excruciating.  Having the past that I have, the abuse and negativity, makes expressing myself to another, paralyzing.

This is not me being dramatic or attention seeking. Just the opposite. I don't want drama in my life (though there's always an abundance) and I don't want attention, I don't know what to do with it. It's simple really. I want what I want.  I feel what I feel. I think what I think. But, to express that? HHHMMM.

I want to be valued. I know deep down that I am intelligent, however, I down play that, especially to men, because others tend to be so intimidated by my intelligence that they have to find ways to out do me or put me down when they cannot. I have a wide area of interests, but I do not share them with many because I will sound unintelligent about the subject matter or another will think my interest makes no sense. I have a lot to offer someone, more than on a physical level. But I have had it made clear that my worth falls to a physical level and without that, time with me will be limited.

I want to be purely loved. I'm talking fairy tale stuff here.  I want someone to be somewhere, see something and have no choice but to share it with me. Whether it is a purchase (though I am not good at receiving) or a picture or a text to tell me what it was, I want to be important enough to someone to consume their thoughts in this way. I don't want to think that someone loves me this way, I want to KNOW it with everything in me.

I want to wake up and smile. This doesn't happen. I have to search out my smiles. They don't happen often and very rarely are they unexpected. I want a companionship where I am reading and look up to catch them smiling at me. I want a companionship in which I can, without notice, take a walk in the woods with them or an unexpected road trip...to a museum would be cool :)  I want to sit in a coffee shop and read, or write (as I am now) in quiet companionship with the occasional conversation. Sometimes, alone time can be spent in someone's company.

I do feel and think and want. I do not know how to verbalize most of these things in person let alone on demand. I feel overwhelmed when I am held by someone who loves me. I cry when I hear words spoken with passion and compassion. Words that I don't know how to hear, am not used to hearing. I cry because I don't believe them. I cry because I want to believe them. I cry because I feel. I think I want too much from others but I think others want me to give more than I have the power to give.

I write because I cannot speak. I write because it's my rainbow.

All my love, me

What Do You See?

What do you see when you look at me? Do you see someone who doesn't look you in the eyes and think it's because they think they are better than you?  Do you see someone who doesn't engage in small talk and think it's because they don't like you or have time for you?  Do you see someone who reacts defensively and think they are rude or mean?  Do you see someone who doesn't go out with people from work or engage in personal conversation with co-workers and think they are self centered or hiding something? Do you see someone in a group that doesn't engage in the group conversation unless pulled into it and think they are bored? Do you see someone who is not thin or fit drinking too much coffee or eating unhealthy and think they should do something about it?

All of these things are wrong. It's hard to look people in the eyes when they talk to you because you are always expecting to see disapproval in their eyes. Small talk is excruciating when you always think you have nothing of value to add to the conversation. Reacting defensively is a learned behavior from having been talked down to for most of your life and always seeming to disappoint those you most want to impress.  Personal conversation is difficult at best with co-workers or others in general as it is painful to share information that can be made fun of or used against you or gossiped about.

Group conversations are hard because it causes multiple people to focus on you and what you say and then they form opinions/judgments about you that cause you to stress and worry about.  What if you say something that doesn't make sense or what you say is wrong or appears unintelligent?  Coffee is an addiction but it replaces other addictions such as smoking or excessive eating and it gives you something to focus on other than your true addiction/mental illness that is a life long battle with an eating disorder which is also why you are unfit and don't always eat as you should.  It is so easy to flip on that compulsion switch yet so very hard to get back out of it.

I have heard all of these opinions and more and the opinions are a lot less painful sometimes with some people than making the changes required to put myself out there more.  Anxiety, depression, being an introvert, a damning and damaging past, abusive situations/relationships (among other things of course) have all led to how I handle social situations of any kind, personal or more broad.  It is so very easy to make visual snap judgments about others but so very hard to always try to remember that though the packaging may appear to be one thing, the contents within may very well be something completely opposite. Mental illness comes in all forms, shapes, sizes and varieties.  A lot of the behaviors that people exhibit are learned from past experiences. Some healthy, some not and some just learned out of self protection.  Yes, we need to focus on unlearning some of these things.  Yes, we may need medication. Yes, maybe only therapy is needed and maybe only for a short time.  But, the single most important thing that we as a people can and should do without fail is quit making judgments on the visuals of others without trying to understand or converse as to why it seems as it seems. 

Mental illness has always, throughout the history of mankind, carried a quieted stigma with it. This should not be the case, especially in today's society where we accept so many other "out of the normal" type situations. I enjoy constantly learning, researching and I have enjoyed the growing that I have done through all of my mental health challenges.  I embrace each issue I may have and learn how to make changes or accept the need to live with it.  Mental health is the same as coronary health, lung health, joint health and every other type of health issue that we have to encounter. If we ignore our mental health it can become deadly. Don't look at me or thru me, try to look into me. My rainbow is remembering that we all have many layers and many pieces that make up the puzzle of our lives and as I try to approach every person I meet with this mindset, I am hopeful that people will approach me in like manner.  I love you more than words Mom, thank you!!

All my love, Me

Soar to Your Destination

My last post expressed my desire to "take a deep, face the sun and step forward" and I have done well putting that into practice. I have spent time alone, getting to know myself in a manner of speaking. Due to anxieties, depression, fears and oh so many things that are hazardous to my thinking, I do not venture to very many public places on my own and when I do, I do not stay put too long.  But, I have been very diligent about changing this lately and this week, I was unexpectedly rewarded for it and it has stuck with me through the rest of my challenging week.

I had planned another trip to the beach, my time there is so peaceful and relaxing. But, just before I was to leave to go, the storms evaded our area and prevented that from happening. So, I decided to sit at a coffee shop, armed with coffee and a book. I read, quite a bit, but under the guise of reading, I was thinking more and more about the things I was changing, want to change and expect to change.  I had a very enlightening time. This "spend time alone" thing is going pretty well. So, I am done and I pick up my things to leave and I see a picture, though the picture is important, it was the finishing touch to my thinking that was the important part. It was an eagle soaring into the sun, wings wide spread and just aimed at his destination. This was a pretty large rainbow for me. I tend to take baby steps, never large strides, to move towards my destination. Very timid, anxious, unsure steps, always wondering things like, can I do this? Should I do this? Do I deserve to do this?

However, the confidence that was exuded in this picture did not reflect any of these unsurities. The eagle simply knew what he wanted and was determined to get it. This is what we are to do, all of us. We need to figure out what we want, how to get it and then, without all the anxieties, set out to get it. This is how things should be done both professionally and personally. I am good at this on a professional level, I have not allowed anything to detour or prohibit my professional goals. But personally, not so strong in that area and this is what I have been trying to change.

This time alone and this picture, solidified for me that I no longer will be happy taking unsure baby steps towards my goals but I want to soar towards them with confidence and determination.

Move forward :) Let this be your rainbow.  All my love, me

Quit Blocking Your Rainbow

Self evaluation can be excruciating, however, when a friend points out what's going on, it has the potential to be devastating.  But, to have God back all of that up with a verse in the middle of a Wednesday night service, you truly have the wind taken out of your sails and fall to the ground like a marionette dropped by his holder.

So, for awhile now I have been battling my depression to the point that I feel as though I am spinning my wheels and staying in a place of forever misery.  Destined to be never more than ok. No consistent happiness, just a hit or miss moment here and there.  So, I vent my opinion, not necessarily eloquently phrased, to someone close.  Whoa! was precisely what I said to myself when I read the response.  So, my self pity was met with a very blunt "wake up to realty" of your blessings.  Not even a lot of blessings were pointed out, just my children, (just really covers a lot). So, I humbled myself, acknowledged my self pity and went to the church service.

And, that's where it truly happened.  I know I haven't been living right lately, no gory details ya'll, rent a movie! I have been trying to make changes, I've been having conversations with God, I've been asking for help. But, there have been hindrances to my improvement that have everything to do with being a human. I wanted to change but I only wanted to change the things I wanted to change.  No, not all the changes related to sins, some were more of a comfort zone issue and some were just changes that would require too much effort.

On the way to church last night, I had one of my conversations with God and I asked Him to please give me one more opportunity to make a major change and to forgive me my mistake once more.  So, the verse?  John 8:11, "and Jesus said, neither do I condemn you, now go and sin no more". WOW.  I don't remember hearing much after that, I remember what I felt and what I knew and what I had just been told. So I have been reflecting today.  Here's the truth, much as it hurts, I blocked my rainbow from God.  Just how long have I been doing this to myself?  How many blessings did I miss out on? How many open doors did God shut in my face because I chose my human side rather than my spiritual side?

So, I listened to a pretty serious change needed and I am properly taking care of my depression again, yes, today is just one day. But, I have resolved within myself that I want to open those doors and I want to see my rainbows that only have my name on them. They are only intended for me, however, I know that I have to open myself fully in order to see them.  We cannot live how we choose to live, indulge in things we should not indulge in, give in to temptations that we are to avoid and yet expect to receive all of the blessings and rainbows that God wants to reveal to us.  We must quit hiding in self pity, fight through depression and step out into the sun and allow God's light to penetrate our deepest self.

I posted this on my social media a few days ago and I am holding to this as who I am choosing to be, I hope it allows more doors to open and more rainbows to be shown to me.

"and with the sun on her face and the turmoil and pain behind her, she took a step forward"

All my love, Me.

Better in His eyes

She must be pretty. It's ok, I have never been pretty enough. I'm sure she's smart. I have never been that smart. I have never been funny enough, cute enough, nice enough, skinny enough....never enough. 

I know my flaws, I am my own worst critic. It's truly fascinating, the psychology of how deep the scars are of those abused. If you think I messed up on a level of a 2, I will see it as a 7....much worse. All of these things makes it excruciating when it comes to accepting love, whether in the form of parental love, offspring love, friendship love or significant other love; it is all just painful to accept as real and true. I always question the truth of it, no matter who says how they feel.

But, there's another side. I crave love and acceptance from others. This can be and has been devastating. I have sought this from others that were not healthy for me to be involved with and caused even more scars. Some of these situations have lasted much longer than necessary. Then there are the situations where I want so badly to believe the person that I am oblivious to their lies, cheating, and manipulating that by the time I recognized it for what it was, the pain I suffered caused me to build yet another wall. 

This situation has happened again recently. I have been feeling not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough....just not enough, especially when compared to others. But today, in some very rare alone time, I was reminded of some very important information. 

My creator made me in His image and He is perfect. He is the healer of my scars, even the deepest ones. I do not need another wall built, I need only to allow Jesus´ love to continue tearing them down. I do not need others to prove my self worth, I am worthy because I am His child. 

I am strongest when I give Him my weakness and walk not on my own but in His strength. I have realized today that I do not have to be where I do not belong. I can and will and deserve to continue my journey to improve who I am, discover who I want to be and become who I am meant to become. My rainbow will be bright and strong...it will not fade.

All my love, me

Words - Spoken and Unspoken

Have you ever given thought to how powerful the words that you speak or write are to the person who receives them? I have often desired to be talented with words, I absolutely adore reading something that is well written. However, I have also been on the receiving end of the power that those same words can exhibit.  It's not always good.

"You're too fat". "You're not very pretty." "That was a stupid thing to say". There's really a lot more that I could draw from.  Painful, to this day, some of those words that may have been heard or read decades ago.  People just don't always think about the power they have with something as simple as the alphabet.  I watch a video online today that was created by a high school senior for her senior project, it was about bullying.  It gave intense examples of the power of ones words to another person.

But, have you then taken the time to think about the power of the words that you do not speak? Those unspoken words can be just as painful to the receiver, sometimes even more painful. Sometimes, there is such conflict caused by what is spoken and what is unspoken that the receiver feels lost, used, set aside, hurt and even foolish. You may say you love someone, that you want a future with them, then as time has passed and these words are no longer heard so they are asked for, you say nothing. The conflict that can come from that is too painful to imagine. Maybe you avoid answering a question. Maybe you answer with "things are fine as they are" or "I wouldn't change anything right now". The receiver of those words can read so very much in to those words.

I have been in an alphabetical turmoil lately and there are many degrees to my hell.  What could I have said or done wrong? Why can't it be that one? How could I try harder to fix it, or get the answer I want? I wish I could hear your thoughts. I wish I could know how you feel. I wish I knew what you wanted. How can I help? Oh, geez but I could go on.

But, in the middle of this turmoil, I have decided to change the way I think, or at least try. People will ALWAYS disappoint and hurt you ( I mean me). They are only human. Humans are full of errors. Sometimes the words they say, they mean. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they choose not to say things for fear of hurting you/me. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to risk being hurt. So, though we cannot give up on humans, I have chosen to focus instead on the spoken words that never change, always provide truth, always show real emotion and never intend to cause pain.

My rainbow through this turmoil is The Bible...God's Word(s). "But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him." 1 John 2:5

This is what I hope drives me through my life, looking for this kind of love in others. Spoken words won't be needed. Unspoken words will be understood. Confusion can be resolved. Be kind with the alphabet, you do not know how it will be received.

All my love, Me.

Understanding in the End

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of something and be overwhelmed with questions? How did I end up here? What is the point of this situation? Where will I end up at the end of this situation?  So on and so on...questions, doubts, worries, wishes...really no end to it.

I have had a roller coaster of these situations this past year or so (maybe closer to 2 years) in which I have questioned myself so much over the recent past, I believe I am out of questions, well, at least for a moment. But, I have had a breakthrough recently that came, believe it or not, through the death and loss of my daddy.  February 22, 2014 will be a date that will forever resound so very loudly in my head, not only was it my parents 40th wedding anniversary, but it was the day that the man I called daddy left my physical self.  Just a few short months later, I also lost the woman I called Mama (yes, 2 sets of parents & I know I was blessed!) when she succumbed to cancer, the beast.  Needless to say, the remainder of 2014 and the beginning of 2015 have passed by in much of a blur.  I believe, in remembering daddy on the year anniversary of his passing, I began the questioning that led to my breakthrough.

See, daddy met my mom when I was already on my way and my sister was already 1 & 1/2 and he married all of us.  This was not heard of much in the early 70's, but daddy did things his way.  He loved mom, and he didn't want to let go of her. I often questioned why daddy would have been put in our lives.  I spent so much of my time growing up, and a lot of it after becoming a mom myself, questioning so many things that revolved around daddy being a part of my life.  Then, one very unexpected day last year, my relationship with daddy forever changed.  But, a year later, I realize, that through the end of daddy's life, the end of our physical relationship, I have gained understanding to so many things that I previously questioned.  Why, for example, was daddy brought into our lives? Well, the man biologically responsible for mine and my sister's birth was anything but a good example of what a man, husband & dad should be.  Daddy showed my mom that abuse wasn't needed in a relationship/marriage.  Daddy showed my sister and I the unconditional love that should flow from a dad to his daughters.  Daddy showed my baby brother how to be a stand up dad and husband.  Daddy showed me how it was possible to love family that did not genetically begin as your family.  

I had a lot of questions and unsurities when I was in the midst of my physical relationship with daddy, no answers....until the end of that relationship.  There is a very spiritual situation that has brought forth the same revelation.  Some had to have questioned so many things about the birth and life and death of Christ.  So many questions that in no way could have had answers at the time so desperately needed.  But, the end of the life of Christ here on earth answered so many of those questions, answers that could only come from the end.  The revelation of this has made me look at current situations in which I have an abundance of questions, situations in which I believe the best and right thing is to see the situations come to an end.  This new revelation has me understanding that through the end of a given situation, we may, then and only then, understand the need for that situation.  This has been such an amazing and liberating rainbow for me.  I hope this revelation assists you who may as well be in the midst of your own abundance of questions.

All my love, me.

#neveralone

Can you define depression? Not a text book explanation but put into words what you feel, hear, see, think during your darkest moments?  Most people cannot do this and those that do not suffer from depression cannot understand what cannot be explained.

I have tried, most in depth to my mom, to explain to those close enough to ask, what my depression is like. Lets try here. Close your eyes and imagine being in the darkest dark you've ever experienced, mulitply that by a hundred. Now, imagine yourself reaching out, in front of you, behind you & to each side and feeling nothing, anywhere. You can't really hear things well, sound doesn't cut thru the thickness of the dark that has enveloped you. So, you can't really hear anything, you can't feel anything and you can't see anything. What are you left with? Your thoughts & emotions.

The worst of the thoughts & the emotions, for me, is the lonliness. Thoughts: she doesn't really love you, he's mostly annoyed by you and so on. These thoughts feed the emotion of lonliness: I can't go to thier house, they only invited me out of obligation; on and on it goes. For me, the lonliness is suffocating, overwhelming, and truly devastating. It can become so paralyzing that I cannot get out of bed for fear of realizing just how alone I am. I had someone very close to me tell me about a year & a half ago, "Chris, God is always with you, even at your loneliest".

This has tumbled around my brain during all this time. Then, about 2 weeks ago, I was hit hard with the full impact of that statement. I knew, to the deepest part of my soul, that I have never been alone, especially at my darkest. So, my rainbow has been #neveralone. I have been using this tag on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram whenever a qote or picture reminds me that dark and light cannot occupy the same space. That to make it through the darkness, I have to focus on the light of God's promise that He will never leave me alone.

Whether it's a picture, a quote, a verse, a person, a memory; no matter what brings you light, when you are struggling with the dark, focus on your light until you start breathing againg and remember that you are #neveralone. All my love, me.